A
female
age
36-40,
*evious_Fairy
writes:Is this normal? Am I crazy?OK so I have been with my man for almost 4 years now. Right now I am between jobs so I pick up most of the slack with the housework. Here's my problem.When I am working full time I am also responsible for the housework. Now, I am not lazy. I enjoy living in a neat and clean home. I work hard to keep it looking nice.My boyfriend has this weird theory. He works long hours, and gets paid more than me, so his logic is that because of that, he should never have to lift a finger at home. It should all be my job.So I can't win, weather I am working or not about 90 % of the housework is mine. I do all of the dusting sweeping, vacuuming, polishing, dishes, cooking, laundry etc. etc. He has the chores set out as "pink jobs" for the woman and "blue jobs" for the man. while pink jobs are general cleaning and cooking and all of that, there are no "blue jobs" as we live in an apartment and blue jobs would be, mowing the grass, shoveling snow etc.When I ask him, well, if cleaning the litter box, changing the garbage, dishes and vacuuming are all pink jobs, then can taking the garbage out to the dumpster be a blue job? His reply is something snide like "well, it may as well be since you never get up and do it yourself" He gives me lists of things to do while he's at work, if I do not complete my chores, I get in trouble. If I bust my butt and do everything on the list, but... god forbid... I forgot to fold my blanket on the couch, or something silly like that, he won't notice the spotless house, just the blanket and yell at me about it.Now, In my opinion, wages made and hours work really don't have much to do with the responsibility of home maintenance. Am I alone here?another thing is that he says we won't get married until I can keep a steady job for a few years. Not really an unreasonable request, but to base the future of a relationship on career success rate takes the romance out of things.He also always brings up that I don't have a job and don't do enough housework around friends and family which is just embarrassing. When I try to defend myself he gets angry and demeans me in front of people.Is this all making sense? Am I wrong to let these things bother me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Me and my typing, I meant since you are not working, and that he is a misogynistic
dolt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Well, this is not Archie Bunker's house but it sure sounds like it. Obviously this isn't working out and it isn't fair that he sits on the couch while you clean he lives there, too.
What you should do is be responsible for general cleaning since he isn't working, but he should be able to carry the dishes, rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher, he should be able to iron his own shirts and even do his own laundry....and take out the damn garbage.
If talking doesn't work, then stop doing his laundry, let his socks and underwear pile up dirty where he leaves them, don't pick up the blanket or the towels he leaves lying around and just tell him when he complains, oh I didn't think I did those things right and I am doing all the pink jobs, but the last time I checked I didn't wear boxers or tube socks!
I guess you can give him a behavior modification course rather than talking becuase he ain't listening.
I don't think this sounds like a man I could live with, he sounds to me controlling and verbally abusive and unappreciative of you.
First off I think he is a selfish narcissist and he is using you. He's been dating you for 4 years and he doesn't want to get married for a few years until you prove
yourself? It doesn't take that long for a man to decide that you are the one he wants to marry. He loves having a servant and he is wrecking your self esteem to remain in control and make sure you continue to supply him with what he wants.
He probably is not going to change for you no matter what you do. Do you want to spend your child bearing years unmarried to a mysonginistic dolt?
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I think it's fair that the person working outside the home for longer hours has a lighter load at home, (lighter, not non-existent), but I kinda don't think that's the problem here. He yells at you if you don't fold a rug on the couch? You have to hold a steady job for 'years' before he will deign to marry you? He runs you down in front of other people? Please give this disrespectful asshole the flick, you can do a lot better than a rude neatness freak who needs a great big reality check. Good luck :)
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male
reader, vampiric_nikolas  +, writes (6 October 2009):
the title of th is made me laugh no offense. but the system yall got could be replaced with simply sharing each other chores. when one isn`t avalible to do something the other does it vice versa. keep things mutual for a healthy relationship rather a dictatorship good luck babe
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): I think he is only partially correct. Here's what I mean. I think that if one of you (regardless if it's you or him) is not working then the bulk of the chores should be on the person who isn't working. With that though... if you are both working then the chores should be split evenly. If you were in a house with mowing, snow shoveling, etc... those are still chores than can be divided evenly. This is something I have done which seems to work out well. Write down all the chores that need to be done. Agree on a point system and assign each job a point (say 1 if it's a quick and easy job and 5 if it's a long lasting job or difficult to do) and then tally all the points up. Divide by 2. So if all chores equal 50 points then each of you need to do 25 points worth of chores. Take turns picking chores from the list until each of you have all the points used up. You can even roll a dice to decide who gets to pick first. See if that doesn't help. If he still refuses then perhaps you might need to reconsider this relationship as he already seems a bit controlling and verbally abusive. He shouldn't question you in front of others. I hope this helps!
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reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Well....
I guess your man didn't get the memo that being in a relationship, especially when living together require SHARED responsibilities.
Im very sorry that is happening to you, and I am afraid that he probably is a bit of a Momma's boy.
It matters not how much money either party makes, it is a shared responsibility. I have a feeling this guy has a poster of Archie Bunker in his Man Cave.
I would suggest you give him an ultimatum, simply because he is still young enough that he may be able to see that he is a complete cretin and makes us men all look bad, frankly he is an immature narcissist and he needs to be taken down a notch.
I suggest the ultimatum includes ceasing from belittling you in public and in front of family. And to pick up after his own damn self. You are his lover, not his mother.
If he will not accept the responsibility that it takes two to make a relationship, then he can be getting all the love he wants out of his left palm, because if he does not wise up, that is about all the upper hand he should be accorded in this relationship.
I warn you though that if his family is like this, he may not see this as anything but an idle threat. So be prepared to dump him if he will not give in.
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