A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need some help with a boyfriend and life crisis. I love my boyfriend more than anything. He's my first love and I'm his. We do everything together and spend every spare second together. we've been together now for nearly 18 months but the problem is, we are so different. We are like chalk and cheese. Sure we enjoy the same things like films and music but personality wise we are complete opposites and its starting to affect us.At the minute we are both taking a year out to work. I have lots of qualifications and plan to go to university next year. However, my boyfriend doesn't have that many qualifications but still wants to go to college next year which is near the same place as my university.My problem here is that he has no ambition or get up and go and seems to want all his opportunities to just hit him in the face. He has no idea what he wants to do, what course he would want to do. Nothing. I know exactly what I want to do and am nearly finished in applying for my 4 year course next year. I went to my open day at the uni i want to go to yet he doesn't know if there was even one for his college.To make matters worse I have my mum telling me that I will probably meet someone at university who is into the same things as me and has the same ambitions as me. She says that she didn't marry her first love and I probably won't either. This just breaks my heart as I can't imagine myself with anyone but my current boyfriend. He is my everything but he really needs to get a kick up the backside. He has no confidence because of his qualifications and thinks that whatever he's going to do he will just fail at. Another thing is that he doesn't have much independence either. We both still live with our parents as we are 18. We both have jobs, in fact I have two and I pay rent. His mum doesn't work due to arthritis so she is at home all the time. She washes his clothes, irons them and puts them in his drawers and wardrobe. She cooks his food and he doesn't know how to cook anything as he says he's afraid he'll do it wrong. HELP! I don't know what to do. Leaving him is not an option in my eyes but we both plan on getting a flat next year. The only problem is is that if he doesn't sort something out for him to do next year then I would be better off living in the student halls.Please help me.
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ambition, confidence, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): This isn't really an answer for you....I am looking for help too....I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we even live together now. I went back to school and I am graduating in April. He on the other hand is still working at a job that barely pays over minimum wage. I do not want a life of finianical struggles and I am a bit turned off by his lack of ambition. I have been pushing him for a couple of years now to do something with his life and he keeps saying he wants to but he is always coming up with an exuse. I believe there is always a way to succeed in life so I have a hard time listening to his exuses. I kow he is depressed but he won't seek help. I am ready to go forward with my life and start gorowing up. I am 23 and he is almost 26 abd I feel like I am the 26 year old. I struggle with the thoughts that he isn't right for me cause we have two very different looks on life. There's just one problem... I love him with all my heart and I am still in love with him. We get along great except for when I am stressed out about his situation and start taking it out on our relationship. I almost feel buitter and hopeless. I want to build a life with him but I feel like it won't happen cause he doesn't even have his own lilfe on track. What do you suggest I do?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): You say that you can't see yourself without this guy but in fact, by staying with him, you don't give yourself a chance to be moved by another one. Btw, you might want to have another person to speak to than your mother. Parents' advice tend to trigger the little rebel in us and make us just say 'no way' to their advice without really giving it a good thought. Best of luck anyway!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): i have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years now and i understand completely how you feel. i love him dearly and would never picture us apart (we are also each other's firsts). my boyfriend lacked ambition at first, but i think it was all about a lack of information. my boyfriends mom is just the same... he was sheltered a lot when he was younger. i think your boyfriend needs YOUR help. maybe he has never had the encouragement to 'reach for the top'... or maybe he was rewarded for simply getting a B in school. whatever it is, try to help him out as much as you can.... also, you probably know that ambition is not always a good thing. ambition is a very strong desire for success, and in reaching that ambition of yours, you may hurt others just to get to the top. dont get me wrong.. after all, in our world its kind of everyone for themselves, but be careful of what you expect from him. My BEST advice for you is to bring inspiration into your boyfriends life. does he have a passion? a favorite sport, a place he's always wanted to visit? if so..try to bring the things that he enjoys in life INTO his GRASP. don't give them to him... help HIM get closer to them. lastly, if you really, trully feel so much love for him, don't give up. ive had people tell me- the first love never lasts... but it does. If you feel that you will never be able to find a love more powerful than the love that you and your boyfriend share, hold onto him... you never know, you could be his inspiration.. maybe he'll surprise you bigtime one day. hope everything goes well for you two!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments. I am going to let him go his own way and see how things work out and if he can work something out for himself career wise. It's just that if he doesn't make a decision soon then it affects my life hugely. His decision will choose whether I move out and stay in uni halls without him or I have to start looking for a flat to live with him. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 You're young, you have ambition, you have dreams and goals. Yes you love him, but stop trying to grow up before your time. Every relationship has its own time and rhythm. If you push things...then they probably will go pear shape.
He isn't at the same place you'e at. The problem with all relationships is growing apart, now many grow together, but many just fizzle away. You are not to know what is around the corner. Its wrong to push him just because you are driven. Your job as a gf is to support, and thats it...motivate maybe; push, convince, dictate...they are not your job descriptions. If you push him to hard you will drive him away.
Whos to say where your relationship will be in 1 year...or even 20. Your Mum may be right or you might grow to see your 50th wedding anniversary. One thing I can say, pushing him will only succeed in alienating him.
What will be will be. Let him walk his own life, you walk yours.....if you end up walking together side by side, then great. If you walk away from each other then know in your heart you were never meant to be.
Don't force things. Enjoy the deliciousness of life...the unknown. Celebrate it don't control it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): You sound like you're making him out to be inferior, useless and that he can't do anything. Which is a bit harsh. So what if he doesn't have much independance, I still live with my parents (although I'm actually in university halls in a city an hour from home) yet I'm more independant and self reliant than most of my friends who have moved out of their parent's homes. Independence has got as much to with doing stuff on your own. Not by whether you can pay rent or not.On the other hand he does sound like he needs a confidence boost. Can you cook? You could try teaching him but if he does something wrong, don't "oh that's wrong" but rather "your close but what you could instead....". Encourage him to do activities that he hasn't tried before. Confidence is about believing in yourself, but he has to realise that no-one is going to be perfect at something new first time.He could however be a lazy little swine who cba.
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