A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi so my boyfriend of a year and a half and I got pregnant recently. At the beginning when we found out he was so supportive going to appointments, helping me figure out what is going to happen with our living situation etc. Everything recently started to go down hill when I got upset with him not showing as much intrest anymore. When I would ask he would say I need space. Umm I’m four months pregnant at that time we don’t have time for space is what I’d tell him. Eventually things got worse and now he just says I’ll be there for you and the baby no matter what. Or when I ask about us he just says we need to focus on the baby and us after it’s here? Does he not want to be with me anymore? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (21 June 2019):
 It's anyone's guess what is going through your boyfriend's mind and how he sees your future together. However, one thing I do know is that, for some men, the baby does not become "real" until it is born. While their partner is pregnant, they can feel pushed out and/or detached. Once the baby is a living breathing being, they become real.
Are you perhaps focusing so much on the pregnancy that he feels like he was just a sperm donor? Was the pregnancy planned? Does her, perhaps, feel trapped/tricked?
In your shoes I would try to concentrate on you two a bit more and the baby a bit less. Go on dates. Enjoy each other's company. Do things you used to enjoy doing together. Tell your boyfriend how much you love/care for him. The stronger you are as a couple, the better parents you will both be to this child. While the child is VERY important, don't let your relationship suffer because all you can think about is the child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2019): It's best to ask your boyfriend some pointed and serious questions. We can give you a lot of suggestions and opinions that may miss the mark completely.
Many women become pregnant with boyfriends; thinking this is going to be like an unofficial-marriage. Hoping a baby brought into the relationship has now bonded them together; and he can't just leave you. There is a common misconception that a baby is a substitute for a wedding ceremony and marital vows. Not so, and that's why so many men prematurely brought into fatherhood will distance themselves as the pregnancy progresses. He may just walk!
Parenthood and marriage are not synonymous. One does not guarantee the other will happen. They are different responsibilities, and can occur one without the other. Unfortunately, children have no say either-way.
The closer you get to the time of your expected delivery-date; the more unconcerned and detached some men may seem. He may feel trapped. He will say what you want to hear; while other things are going through his mind. He may love the child, but may resent you for making him feel manipulated and forced into fatherhood. He may not share the same enthusiasm over doctor's appointments and lamaze classes as you do; but the important thing is that he be a caring and responsible dad for his kid. Hopefully be there for you too; but that is to be determined with time.
I expect there will be a follow-up explanation that you both planned it. Perhaps, but having a child is no longer just something you discussed and hoped for. It's now real! He didn't feel committed enough to ask you to marry him first, and then start a family; so, I guess it's all now up in the air about how he feels about being a dad regardless of that fact.
When you have children with men who are not married to you; you don't/can't expect the pregnancy to create a commitment that wasn't there before it. Parenthood is best between married-people; because by tradition and moral-standards, the father can't be undecided or have mixed-feelings about his responsibilities to his family.
Unprotected-sex might produce a child, but it won't guarantee a devoted-father for the child. Nor will having children for a man who isn't married to you going to keep him in a relationship. Even marriage won't guarantee that; but marriage gives you spousal-rights, and gives your children lawful birthrights. It guarantees them legal-rights to an inheritance from their biological-father. He could be long-gone and separated; but they can legally pursue whatever inheritance they deserve. Even if he remarries someone else, and/or starts a whole new family elsewhere! Kids born out of wedlock, have to work a little harder to do that. It can be tied-up in court for years!
If he is becoming increasingly more distant, I can only speculate that he's stressed and undecided over the prospect of becoming a new father before he was really ready. If he didn't use protection to postpone fatherhood until he was ready; well, nature has produced a child! He is a father, ready or not!
You can only seek to determine what he really feels about this pregnancy; and not deceive yourself into believing life will be like marriage from now on. Maybe it will, or maybe it won't! It's possible he may have been happy about it from the beginning, or just pretended he was. No one can read his mind. However, actions most often speak louder than words.
Try to encourage him to go with you to appointments, and try to get his honest opinion about fatherhood. This is no time to delude yourself. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. In any case, you have your motherly-responsibilities cut-out for you. You can make choices for yourself, but you can't impose those wishes and desires on other people. They just may disappoint you.
Having children with men not committed to you by marriage, leaves them a few choices. He can be a father and/or financially support his child without staying with you in a relationship. He could choose to bail! Choosing to stay may be for the sake of the child, but he may not feel any more committed to you. That's the risk you take. You may have written your post with all this in-mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2019):
 There can be several reason why he is acting the way he is. However, ONLY he knows... we can ONLY guess.
Maybe he feels overwhelmed? Or feel "useless"?
Maybe he doesn't really feel PART of it all, yet?
Maybe he regrets?
It's hard to say.
What I will say is this, YOU priority should be the baby and a healthy pregnancy.
Which I know is hard if you are worried about facing parenthood as a single mother.
What exactly is he doing wrong?
If this is his first baby too then maybe he doesn't know what it ACTUALLY involves having a kid. So find him a "First time Daddy" book. And secondly, there isn't MUCH he CAN do, right now. YOU are doing the work. While it's nice to have your partner come to the appointments, he might just feel like he is now the 3rd wheel.
My husband went to ONE appointment with my second pregnancy (he was away for most of it) and 2 appointments for my third. And I managed just fine. So have many other women before you, and many after.
I'd say this IF he claims to want space, give him space so YOU can focus on the pregnancy. The less stress you have the better for both mom and baby. If you need help with setting up the baby's stuff (bed etc.) ask him or have family come help.
I hope (for his, and yours AND baby's sake) that he will roll his sleeves up and participate and BE a father. BUT...
YOU CAN'T MAKE him. Know this. And focus on what's IMPORTANT.
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