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My boyfriend has a lot of female friends and I just can't deal with it

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, *ellybeans20009 writes:

Dear Agony Aunts,

I am currently in a new relationship (my first relationship) with a great guy. He is kind and attentative and so far we mesh well. We are pretty different types of people in some ways. One of the biggest differences came into light really early on. He is more sociable and outgoing than I am and has no problem being friendly. However, this came off a bit too friendly at times and it kind of alarmed me.

Most of his friends are female and I slowly began to be irked by how he would go and have lunch with them alone or have private conversations online. He would also mention only the girls as the ones he was closest to. There was this one incident where he was so extremely excited about one particular friend of his that I just felt it was a bit strange. She is married and has a baby but at the same time her husband works a lot and is away although he wouldn't visit her when she was alone.

Of course I've had open chats about him with all of this and he assured me that they are not romantically compatible and are just friends and not each other's types. This happened several times where I would be reassured and then I just would be overcome by these emotions. Even though we spend the most time together, It is still and was extremely hard for me to accept the fact that he would be so excited over these female friends of his.

At a few points I asked myself if the hurt was worth all of this. Sometimes I overthink and I question their motives and I imagine all these situations and it makes it so much worse. Even though we have great talks and for the most part I trust him, I get emotional and posessive. Sometimes I don't really quite believe it could be completely platonic and I wonder if these girls are being sincere. I asked him if he thought it was possible and he said it was the modern age and of course everyone can maintain platonic friendships. I want him all to myself but at the same time I don't want to take away his friendships. I just wished he would find more guy friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014):

No way!! He's getting excited about one of them. That's his body language. Non verbal communication. You know something is not right here. Trust your intuition. If he is going off for lunch and having private chats online with them this is not for you (or me or many other women). Imagine being married to him!

Red flag. He will drive you insane!

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (10 January 2014):

The problem here is mostly your own insecurity which creates the jealously and possessive behavior.

The solution is simple. Recognize that no amount of controlling behavior can prevent him from cheating on you. If he wants it to happen, it's going to happen. If it does them obviously he's not as great as you thought he was. And let's be honest; the idea of a breakup is usually much worse than the actual breakup, unless it's a marriage or there is kids involved.

If you trust him then trust him to do the right thing. Take comfort knowing that trust him.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (10 January 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntIF he has so many/too many "gal" friends.... to the point that he makes and advances those friendships 'way out of proportion to "guy" friends.... AND he compromises his time spent with you.... then you have to face it that you and he are not compatible in this area.... and you must decide to either put up with this part of "who he is".... OR, you can decide that it's a "deal breaker" for you.

This latter (deal breaker) is your choice... and your's, only.

Good luck..

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