A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year now and officially dating 2 months . I find that when he is in a bad mood or someone or something upsets him he shuts down completely. I have on numerous occasions tried to make a break through and offer my help . But he says it's best we don't speak when he is not in the right frame of mind . I tell him it's ok when in actual fact it hurts ... its frustrating ... makes me feel that he does not trust me enough to let me in and help him . Problem is I don't know if I should take a back step and learn to accept the 'no contact' attitude and allow him to work through whatever is bothering him .....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Thank you all for your replies.It is much appreciated... xxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I agree that a lot of men "shut down" during stressful situations or when they're upset. I've learned to give my boyfriend time (we've been together 2 1/2 years), even though I'd prefer to talk it out. Over time I've learned this about him and he's learned my desire for communication, so he tries to come to me when he's ready. It hurts sometimes to know that he's upset and doesn't want to talk just yet, but I think that's just part of the give and take of the relationship. Give it time, you'll learn how to work through things together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I have found that most men do "shut down" when they are upset or bothered by something. They go quiet, want to be left alone for a while, and don't want to talk about the thing getting to them. Women, on the other hand, like to talk. If we are upset about something, or are troubled, our natural tendency is to share our feelings with someone. Men and women handle things in different ways. I don't think either way is right or wrong. Simply different.
Now, I know I'm making a big generalisation here! I know not EVERY man and woman respond to situations like this. Everyone is unique. But on the whole, this is what I have found to be the case. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you about things that bother him is not a reflection of how how he feels about you. I know it must hurt, but I honestly don't think he means for it to. He may simply not feel any need to discuss it, and may prefer to work things out in his own head.
I know it is hard, but I think that as long as everything else is fine, this is simply how he copes when something is bothering him. It is just different to how you would respond. I would say to let him know you are there if he wants to talk, but than give him his space if he needs it, and let him deal with it in his own way. In the meantime, maybe you could do something to distract yourself, like see a friend, or go out, or whatever else you like to do. But like I said, I don't think he is trying to shut you out. I think he just deals with things differently to how you would. I hope this helps. x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 January 2010):
Give him time. Men don't respond too well to be pressurized to open up. Just tell him you're there for him if he needs to talk, then have patience.
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