A
female
age
41-50,
*uzzybear
writes:I've been dating a guy for 3 years. We've had our usual ups and downs, breaksups and reunions, etc but I really need some advice. Now before I say anything I should say that my boyfriend can be REALLY immature, insecure and needy. Despite all of this though, I love him and I want it to work.Ok so here goes....Whenever we fight about ANYTHING he instantly jumps to saying something like "well is this enough to end this relationship" or "do you want to break up over it"? Now , when I'm mad, the LAST thing I want to say is "no, I love you forever and I don't want to end it". Of course ...I'm mad and I don't want to have to STOP and reassure him. I feel like he reduces everything to "are we over?" which really puts the brakes on the fight. It could be over him arriving late (which he always does) or just being inconsiderate, etc. Am I going to dump him because he's an hour late...AGAIN? Heck no....but that doesn't mean I can't be mad about it and let him know.Now that brings me to the 2nd thing he does that drives me crazy. Let's say we're arguing about him being late....and I say something "I'm so sick of you being late all the time" he'll say "what are you saying then?" and I'll say "well I'm at the end of my rope" and he'll say "Are you threatening me?". Whenever I say something like "I don't need to date someone who always wastes my time" he ALWAYS says "is that a threat?".Now my question is, how I deal with :a. him jumping to breaking up whenever we argue over a silly little thingand b. the "Are you threatening me?" questionAny advice is greatly appreciated, however please don't tell me to dump him. I want this to work out. I've worked really hard on this relationship and I care about him more than anything.Thanks.-Debbie
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (21 September 2007):
'Is that a threat?" No. it's a statment of fact. Why would you think it was a threat? Don't start argument over little thing. When he's late say, I missed you, I ate my dinner while it was warm. Do yo want me to reheat yours?
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 September 2007):
 First, you can't do anything to really save this relationship (I didn't say dump him.) Look at what's going on here. The reason you can't save it is it's not your issue. It sounds as if it's his behavior that's keeping you going nuts. Now it does take two, he has the behavior, but you need to understand where this behavior comes from and find an answer to what is causing it. Sometimes all we need to do is take the time to understand.
You said he's always late, he's irresponsible, and draws the end conclusion even if that's not your intention. First lets look at his behavior. Inappropriate!!! We might first look at him and say what an ass, she deserves better, and I'm sure at times you have thought the same thing. Let's take those feelings out of the equation for a minute. What if this behavior is not intentional? What if there could be a possibility this behavior comes from being different, meaning not the same as you.
What you described almost sounds like ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). His always being late. They say people with this can wake up an additional 2 hours early and still be late. His immaturity. People with this are often called immature, lazy, lack empathy, bad at communication during arguments.
Now let's look at the issues directly affecting you. He knows he's late, more than likely kicks himself in the rear when he is, the last thing he needs is to be reminded that he messed up (AGAIN). That would also explain why he always asks if you're ending it. People with this are use to failing. I met someone not too long ago at school, when asked to state one thing she is good at she said "I am really good at failing, I fail at everything I do." Sad but true. People with this are use to failing more than they are at succeeding, so why would a relationship with you be any different than all the other times he's felt as if he failed?
I hope this helped in shedding a bit of light on your issue. Pull up ADHD, adult characteristics, and match up his behaviors with the list, that will tell you if you need to take this further, or look in a different direction.
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