A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months still talks to his ex. He doesn't try to hide anything but says they are still friends. They are both going to an out of town wedding of a mutual friend. I am very concerned about this and wonder if I should tell him how I feel?
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female
reader, love-him  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 Hi, so you chose not to go.. but that was before you knew the ex was goin.. is there completely no chance of another ticket for you to go? if not, then as long as you trust your boyfriend, and maybe keep daily contact with him, u should be ok, mail me if u wanna talk x x x x
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 July 2007):
 I understand your reasoning because I've been in a similar situation. Be careful though, it could get ugly if this is something you continue to do. You're basically telling your guy you don't trust him. Or perhaps what you telling him is this......
"I feel so stupid sending you off into a situation when I know there is going to be someone who you had feelings for. It makes me feel vulnerable, as if I'm giving up my control."
These thoughts are all true. The fact is this though, you can not force your will on a person. You can not try to manipulate someone's thoughts or inclinations. You can't expect to have a happy partner when you insist on shortening their leash. In reality, you're trying to fight your insecurities by limiting your man's options. This will not work for long, resentment builds. This time it's the old girlfriend, next time it's a co worker or some woman you believe likes him etc. The cycle continues. In the end, he resents the fact you've convicted him of a crime he hasn't committed. You're punishing him for nothing. Here's another example
Imagine telling your boyfriend he is not allowed to drive a car because he might get into an accident. It's true, he might, but you can't control that by limiting his freedom to drive a car. Eventually he tells you you're crazy and he's tired of walking everywhere, he goes out and buys a $50,000 sports car because he's fed up. This is an exaggeration but my point is this, sometimes you create what you fear.
Think of this. He invited you to the wedding. He knew the ex was going to be there. You chose not to go. Now you're angry, afraid and want to clamp down on him. Remember, it's also rude to back out of a wedding when the hosts have already paid for the guests. If it's not too late for that, tell him you want to go.
What is the truth? Do these two people find each other attractive. I imagine they do. You must accept this. There will always be others we're attracted to and if you believe this woman is the only one, you're wrong. Even if she wasn't going to be there, he might think the stranger beside him at dinner is the hottest woman he's seen in years. You can't control feelings. You can only expect good behavior.
You have to trust. A good partner wants to see their partner grow and experience life. It doesn't make you a fool to trust the one you love, we're supposed to do that. It's expected. If that person breaks the trust, they're the fool, not you. In other words, give your partner all the rope he needs. If he hangs himself with it, at least you acted correctly.
eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys, thanks for the responses. I feel that I should let him know that this concerns me. To eddie, although I was invited I chose not to go. Mainly because I don't know this friend. My boyfriend use to live out of state before I met him and I figured this is something he should do on his own. However, this was before I knew the ex would be there. The ex also lives out of state and I have never met her. But I know that she knows all about me. I am just still worried that old feeling could spark.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 July 2007):
Were you invited? Is your boyfriend not allowed to bring a guest? Either way, he is always going to meet up with women wherever he goes. That is the truth of life. Some of them will be pretty and he'll find some to be attractive. That will never change. You have to trust that he respects you.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (2 July 2007):
Hi babe, talk to him, i understand how this worries you, as it would certainly worry me.. let him know how you feel, why arnt you invited? mail me if u wanna talk x x x xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I agree with chrissy, talk to him. I'm sure he can reassure you and put your mind at rest and you'll feel miles better for doing so :)
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (2 July 2007):
 Hun you should always tell your partner what is on your mind the more you hold in the more you will fill worse and not feel the same for him, so always tell him what is on your mind.
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A
female
reader, A friendly thought +, writes (2 July 2007):
 Dear troubled friend,
If it bothers you, let him know. Don't act all winy about it, just tell him you are concerned. Ask yourself this question, do you trust him? If you had any doubt in your mind that he might be cheating on you, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship with him.
As for the keeping in touch with his ex thing. I'd be worried too, so maybe ask someone else who is going along just to keep an eye on them. But don't make it a big deal cuz if your bf finds out, there could be problems.
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