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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am 28 yrs old and have been dating a guy who is 43 for nearly 4 yrs now. He was married before and has one kid who is 16 now, he is divorced about 13yrs. My problem is the ex took his kid out of state over a yr ago and just a couple of weeks ago moved out of the house because she says she can't handle looking after him anymore. He's a great kid I don't see what her problem is but supposedly she's drinking a lot, anyway now my bfriend is gonna take him to live with us, we only moved in together 6mths ago and I don't know if I'm ready for all this. I know in my heart he has to move in, but I'm not ready to play a mother role right now. I know I sound very selfish but this is very scary for me I feel as if this is testing our relationship to the extreme. Can anyone give me some advice?
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 December 2011):
I agree with Cerberus. Don't be afraid of the parent role, because that's not the role you'll be in. If you treat him like the adult he wants to be treated as, you two should be fine. You already said he is a great kid so that must mean you get along. So continue it like that, as a way to become friends, not as a way to become a surrogate mother. It's this mistake that's most often made.
So remember when you were a kid or a teen. Recall the way you were treated by the people you took a liking to and those you didn't. For example, if you've ever been to summer camp, you probably also remember the blokes who ran those places and told you to call them father or uncle. That always made me dislike them right from the start.
Same goes for very young teachers who try to compensate for the small age gap by treating teens like they're clueless kids. It never works. They never bond well with anyone. In general, it's those who don't try to be some parental figure, who teens get along best with.
So don't worry. Be Switzerland. Neutral. Don't go and back your boyfriend's decisions (or argue them) like a mom would do. He is the parent, so leave that to him. In fact, I think he will be the one facing difficulties here since his son hasn't lived with him for a while. I would advise you to talk it through with him though so he's on the same page.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): You're not going to play the mother role and you won't have that chance to either OP. He's 16, he's not a baby and already has a mother.
Secondly this is your partners child not yours you are in no way responsible for him nor do you have to do any parenting on him. That's pretty much all done and your partner will have to take care of the disciplining and stuff. The least you can expect and do is civility, that's all. Be nice to him and be friendly, but also not let him take advantage or take the piss, it is your house and your rules apply but speak to him like an adult, treat him like an adult friend and he should respect you.
Saying that let his room be his haven. He is nearly an adult and you should respect his privacy in that regard and he should respect yours. knock before entering, never go in there without permission even to collect clothes for the wash or whatever. Give him time and build up a bit of a bond with him. If you're going fixing something to eat then ask him if he'd like something too. Ask him how he is, how was his day. Just be nice and remember raising him is not a part of your responsibility you have no responsibility to him at all. None. Treat him like an adult friend that needs a place to stay, let his father do the parenting and don't interfere. If he steps out of line calmly ask him for a chat and in a casual manner tell him you would like him not to do that thing again. Don't freak out with him, don't be scared of him, don't try to scold him or parent him. Talk to him like an equal and he will respect you as a friend because friendship is the only thing that will ever be possible with him because he's almost and adult.
That's that, don't worry about this too much. Just make sure you approach him on equal footing and never panic and run off to his dad before you discuss things with him first, you can actually have a nice friend in this kid if he's a nice kid and having no responsibility other than to make sure he doesn't disrespect you means you can be pretty relaxed with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): "I'm not ready to play a mother role right now"
No need, you're not his birth mother. Or step-mother. Or adoptive mother. In the eyes of the law you're a "legal" stranger to him. In son's eyes you're the "total" stranger
with whom his father is shacking up. You have no parental authority (implied or otherwise) absent a legal relationship (blood, marriage, adoption), he is under no obligation to form any sort of bond with you should he choose not to do so, he is even free to openly dislike you should that be the case. You're his father's acquaintance, not his. He's his father's legal relative, not yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I have been in the same situation. My new husband had 2 teemage children who lived in another country and when his ex wife remarried she didn't want the kids anymore and so they came to live with us. We had only been married a year. I handled the situation very badly, the girl and I hated each other on sight and our relationship deteriorated very quickly. Everything revolved around these very difficult, badly brought up children. It was even worse as I owned the house we lived in and I deeply resented having them in my home. Quite frankly I was just not ready for someone else's children or to play a mothering role - I wanted luxury holidays and fine dining for just the two of us. In the end I left my husband and spent years getting them out of my house via the courts.As one of the other posters said you do have only 2 choices. Stay and embrace the situation willingly or move out. I imagine since you have raised the question that you know this is going to be very hard but if you approach it with an open mind you will be able to cope. Also if you really love him and want your own child with him one day this will be a good experience and help your cause. If on the other hand you do not feel ready do not feel any guilt - we are all different and should not feel pressurised into wanting to conform to society's opinions of what we should or should not be doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): It may sound selfish, but it's only natural that you would be scared/worried about it. The thing is though you only have one 2 options, stay and find a way to adapt to the new situation, or talk to your boyfriend explaining your not ready for this and you move out until you feel you can or want to handle this. Teenagers are hard to live with, but as you said you know he has to move in. Good Luck
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