A
female
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*ELLULAH
writes:Hi all,I have a massive problem that I have never heard of at my age, and I would like to know if this is unusual or does this happen a lot.My partner and I went through hell to be to-gether and I love him with all my heart. The problem is, now the trouble has died down with the ex and the kids. I am having a new problem with his mate.His friend used to go out with my mate, but they argued continuosly and broke up. He was heart broken, and I did my best to console him. Even though my mate was upset too. Eventually they got back to-gether and had another try ( he has sexual problems and is a pervert for want of another word). This also did not work, and soon the arguments started again. This time he put his hands round her throat, so I was not so supportive.He has now taken a real dislike to me, and calls my mate names all the time. I have told him not to do this, as I dont want to hear it from either of them.I feel i have tried to stay friends with both of them, and I know there was a lot of bad feeling between them.My partner has however completly taken his side, and not only join's in calling her names, but is letting his mate insult me as well. Last night he called me scum, and tells my boyfriend, he thinks I treat him bad, and am like his ex.This is not true and has really hurt me. I have spent most of the morning crying. But I am a loss as what to do.When my partner could see I was crying, he told me i was being silly and that his mate never meant what he had said. I can tell in his mates face he now hates me, and he meant it alright.We are going on a sailing holiday soon, and because we will be short handed, he has asked his mate to come along. I am dreading it and have begged him to not let his mate come. But he is ditermined that its me with the problem, and not his mate.I would just like to point out that this mate, punched my partners ex in the face. And she hated this guy to. But he was always so lovely to me at first, so I thought this had been exagerated. Now I am scared of him and his temper when he has a drink. What can I do?Its almost as if my partner can see no wrong in this man. He is so sly and makes out to my boyfriend, that he loves me as his mate, and doesnt know why I dislike him so much. But you can tell, he would be glad if we split up.I know this is pathetic, but I have never been hated by any of my partners friends, and I really dont know how to handle this. At mid forties you would not expect this to happen, its like being at school.Please help, I dont want to loss my B/F. I love him so much.I have reall tried hard to be nice to this guy, but nothing is working.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): WHy is your boyfriend allowing his friend to talk about you, saying you're scum?? That means your b.f. agrees with his friend!! I would never let a friend say that abt. someone I loved. He obviously thinks higher of this friend than of you. Talk to him & tell him what the other writer Penta said. But if he doesn't catch on & says you're over reacting then tell him he obviously cares more abt. his mate than you, & tell him to go on the trip with his mate & you aren't going. Don't put yourself in harm's way. This man in obviously unstable & a Psycho. Why is your b.f. even friends with him is another ? you need to ask yourself. Is he of that mentality as well?
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I'm sorry hon. Your BF's mate is bad news, and your BF doesn't see it. The mate also has a history of violence, and it will visit you if you continue to be around him. What's worse is that it's obvious that your BF will choose him rather than you. There's not a lot you can do at this point to save both yourself and your relationship; you'll have to choose. Please choose yourself.
You need to give your BF an ultimatum, and be ready to leave him when he doesn't make the right choice.
Let your BF know that you'd like to talk to him, and would like it if he let you get to the end before he commented. Point out to your BF that he punched your BF's ex, and he throttled your mate. And now he's calling you names and encouraging your BF think badly of you. (Point this CALMLY -- do not get even a little emotional.) Tell your BF that rather than support you, he's put you into harms way by inviting this guy into your company.
Finally, state that you fear for your safety, and given his history this isn't unreasonable. Tell your BF that it's going to come down to a choice between his mate or you. At the very least you need to make it clear to your BF that if his mate is around, you WON'T be. In the long run, if he continues to chose his mate over you you need to leave.
If he can't support you now, it will only get worse in the future. Leave before you get hit.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Your b/f is blind to the fact that he is being manipulated by his friend and he's placing his value over the value he places on you. He's also blind the fact that his best friend is not a man of good character. You know what they say, birds of a feather. There is a saying that holds true, you can judge a man by the friends he picks. They seem like two-peas in a pod, meaning that if your b/f sees that his friend has done nothing wrong, it won't be long before he ends up treating you the same. His friend will make sure he sours your relationship, mark my word, unless you can get through to your b/f and help him see what's happening. I suspect the friend will continue to spew poision into your relationship until it has met with the same fate as his own. (Misery loves company). Your b/f needs to decide who is more important you or his friend. Give him an ultimatum. The friend is a bad influence over him and will continue to manipulate him until he causes the two of you to break up. If your man loves you, he'll see the writing on the wall and not allow his friend to come between you. This so-called friend has violent tendencies. I would not go on a sailing vacation with him. You will not have a good time. Maybe you should consider cancelling the trip until this issue is resolved. Then you and your b/f go without him.
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