A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Every time I have taken my long term boyfriend to a wedding/christening/function that I've been invited to, he makes some sort of rude comment to me afterwards about one of my friends. It is always females that he comments about and it's usually something personal, like 'she didn't have very nice teeth' or 'her skin was a bit dodgy' etc etc. I find this inappropriate especially as he is 51 yrs old and is quite average looking himself. It really annoys me and I usually don't say much in response although I want to get annoyed but don't want to cause an argument after an event/day out. Why would he have these attitudes towards women? Thanks xx
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male
reader, q1605  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 i have a couple of friends like that and conventional wisdom says putting them down elevates him in his own head and to you but we don't need to [pull freud out every time someone pops off. Maybe he has heard about these people for who knows how long and on meeting them they were nothing like he imagined or maybe barely as you described. Women can be pathalogically generous when describing the physical attributes of their friends. No really. When you guys say that someones personality more than overcomes their not so good looks you mean it. But you will speak of her personality in a way that sounds like you are describing her physical beauty. in our heads they are mutually exclusive. I don't speak for all men but on looks and looks alone we can be very shallow
A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (17 February 2008):
 I hate people like that! If I was you I would have snapped back ages ago, next time just say you're no old painting yourself. Or just say it makes you feel uncomfortable when he puts people down like that.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  + ♥, writes (17 February 2008):
 You are annoyed because you find it disrespectful. You obviously don't want to cause an argument, but it shouldn't degenerate into one if you proceed with diplomacy. However, at his 51 his beliefs and opinions are probably well rooted and it may be be hard to convince him the comment is more than general and unintentional! He might as well feel offended in his turn you are "only now" discussing a habit of his that has been disturbing you for long and in some cases an untactful approach will lead to the complete opposite, although rarely, the person becoming very aware of his words as if someone would be still-hunting for potential future mistakes. Carefully approached, the best. You do sound peaceful a person. You can also go about this by continuing his ideas and pointing out the qualities of the respective women - even (preferably discreetly) ridiculising his inopportune ideas to the point he is discouraged to make such comments - a method which is often applied but I wouldn't recommend since it's not based on openness. Remember that we are all critics (firstly of ourselves, generally) and some persons are more severe critics than others, not necessarily out of ill-will.
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