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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi thereI've got a problem which I've never dealt with before in our family: age gap relationships.My 19-year-old son is dating a 38-year-old woman; I'm worried the age gap is way too large.My husband is the same age as me, so I've never dealt with any age-gap relationship issues at all.I'm worried about the problems an age-gap relationship will face; what problems can he expect??All I know about this woman is she's a hairdresser with no children.I'm worried... please help!Christine from Middlesbrough, Teesside Reply to this Question
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female
reader, andrea23 +, writes (12 October 2006):
 i'm going with a fella who is 19yrs older than me, i was 19 & he was 38 when we got together. i've been with him nearly 4yrs, thing is now i'm starting to grow out of him because i'm looking at younger fellas now & then looking at him & thinking to myself oh my god what am i doing. not only that we have nothing in common he sits & talks about things from the 70's & 80's & i'm just like right i wasn't born until 1983 so there's no point telling me. i'm sure you're son will probably get to the same stage i'm at now, it's just when you're only 19 you think everythings hunky dory but it soon dies out because as my bf's 42 now & i'm staring to see the oldness in him now. i know thats horrible to say but it's true. just give it time
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2006): Well you can also think of it this way - what is the maturity level of the 38 year old? Eg: my uncle who is 50 married a girl who is now 27. They got married 5 years ago. She has a very simple lifestyle from rural China, and my uncle was a cook at a cafe in the UK. They were set up, then got married within a year. Since then, 2 kids and some happy times between them. My uncle's mental maturity is moderate. His educational standards were no higher than middle school (about grade 10), and his intelligence is quite low in terms of textbook knowledge. However, his wisdom in living life through hardship can be quite high depending. My aunt (his wife) also didn't have a good public education, and started taking care of her siblings at a very young age, started working as a seamtress early in her life, etc, etc. So their lifestyles, mentalities suit each other on that level.
Some women and men do not have the opportunity or the confidence to take the world by the collar and experience it to the 'max'. Thus parts of their maturity may lack...
I feel like I'm going around in circles.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2006): What are your concerns exactly? I don’t think there are any 'real' dangers here. What I mean by real is long term harm. Unlike a previous poster who seemed to generalise billions of earths population in one statement, you cant tell what all men and women might be like. It may be a good thing or she might have him as a toy boy for novelty. Either that or your son could just have a passing interest. In the end she has no commitments so its not as bad as it could be. And also that whether they stay together or split up it wont have a bad long term effect.
Why not try and get to know her better? Invite her over for dinner, make a few calls. You can then better asses the situation. Just don’t sit there and worry by making assumptions. Get the lady over to your place in a non-confrontational manner.
Age itself unless in extreme cases I don’t think poses a threat of any kind. What matters are this woman’s intentions, like every woman he'll ever meet regardless of age that is what's important.
As an example an old colleague of mine was dating a man 20 years younger than her. It worked out until they split through serious issues that in no way related to age. It can work without age gap being the issue
I understand your concern but you only need to be if she isn’t serious about your son. That’s why you should try and talk to the woman more.
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A
female
reader, ask paige  +, writes (4 October 2006):
 well i think that you should deffinatly talk to him i mean u r his mom at the end of the day and if u dont say anything now it might be to late to say anything and u may ruin ure relationship with your son although it is his life and he should make his own decisions now hes over 18 he still needs support from his mom and ure opinions may help him if he has a few doubts about the age gap good luck and just be honest but dont row about it just calmly talkabout it and say how u really feel xxxxpaigexxxx
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (4 October 2006):
 Hi there, I can understand your concern! I don't know what type of woman could possibly want to put up with younger guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your son's lovely but men are so far behind us emotionally and mentally . . . I just don't know how they cope! My boyfriend is 10 years older than me and he can be immature!
Anyway, I think you need to talk to your son. I think this woman is probably messing him around, loving the fact that she's got a toy boy. But it's not fair to mess about with someone like that. I don't know, maybe he's loving having an older woman to date, but either way, I always find it a bit sick when people date when one is older enough to be the other's parent!
Ask him if this is really what he wants and just tell him to be careful. I know he probably won't listen but just make your views known and next time, he'll know you always give good advice! Trust me, honey, it probably won't last so don't worry too much. At least this woman has no kids or anything that could complicate things.
Sounds to me like he's just experimenting and there's nothing you can do to stand in the way of that. As long as he's safe and having fun, leave him to it for now. It's highly unlikely they'll still be together in a couple of months.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006): I think you are right in feeling concerned - at 19, the age gap is too much. Though if he was older it would have been OK. Now what you can do about it?? At that age your pearls of wisdom are likely to fall on deaf ears and he would resent you trying to baby him if you offer advise. But it would be nice if you can share your concerns with him (he must have felt them too) and ask him if he would like to talk it over with someone he trusts - an uncle, a professor or suggest someone you think can help him understand the vulnerability of his age while giving respect to his emotions.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (4 October 2006):
 It depends on how serious the relationship is. Odds are, even though you probably don't want to here this, it's a sexually based thing. It actually makes sense, boys peak at 18 and women at around 35. I dated a 30 yr old woman when I was 19. It didn't last long and it really didn't hurt me at all when it ended. I think you should probably be patient and treat it as any other relationship he might have. But, if you know that they are talking "long term", then perhaps try to talk to the girlfriend to find out where she is on the whole thing.
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