A
female
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anonymous
writes:My bf and I just had a fight. We're both studying in the US, and living together(our parents don't know), he's 20, I'm 23, we're both of Indian origin, and he made a statement that generalized Indian girls as being needy, clingy, insecure. He didn't make it seem like it was directed at me or snything, but I tried telling him that he shouldn't generalize, that people are the way they are because of their life experiences and he should be fair and not make statements like these, esp. since by saying this, he's also categorizing me..He kinda refused to listen, and I ended it by saying, this is a lost cause, and I tried walking away. He, however, got really mad and started yelling at me. I listened to him until he said "I'm tired of f*****g you!" and I said, ok, get out of here! and i tried to push past him. But he charged towards me and made as if he was going to punch me in the face. He has never done it, but he has made as if he's going to earlier as well. I told him to keep away from me, and I was getting frustrated since he was pushing me into a corner now, and I picked up a pan just to bang it down, but didn't, since I have really been able to control my temper and my tongue. He, however, picked up the pan, banged it against the wall, broke it, and said "is this what u wanted?" and i told him to stop breaking stuff. N then i told him that if he was sick and tired of f****ing me, then he shouldn't have to anymore. Then he said that taht was not what he meant, that the words didn't come out right. N i told him that I didn't want to talk to someone who scares me and makes me feel like he's going to hit me, and he said, but i didn't! I said, what if your hand had moved and you had? He is the sweetest guy at every other time except when he is angry, he has the most horrible temper! I do love him a lot, and he loves me too. We're crazy about each other, but fights like these are unbearable. Now, he's gone, he told me he was going, wished me good luck for the exam I have tomorrow, and I asked him where he was going, he said he didn't know. A while after he left, I tried calling him, but he's not answering his fone, I called his friends and asked if he was with them, they say they don't know where he is, but I'm sure he must've called them or he must be with them or something. I just checked and his toothbrush is missing too. I just don't know what to do. My final exams start tomorrow, and I can't study, and I don't know what to do...I hope somebody replies and can help me....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): I agree with everything Irish49 has said. I was in an abusive marriage for a long time. I was tortured, battered and beaten, both physical and mental stuff, so please please please walk away now before it gets too late. I got away but after a lot of years and with two kids!
Try and get through your exams please, this is your future.
I know it is hard because i have been there, the fear becomes unbearable.
Take care and let us know how you get on.
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, Irish, you are right. I need to let this go. There is no point putting up with this especially if it's not a sure thing if he can get married to me(the age issue). We've been together over a year, and I guess it's time to see things for what they really are. I just spoke to him, and had to convince him that it was wrong of him to threaten me with physical violence no matter what! Even then he said he'd try to control it, but I should try to not push him over the edge! I don't knwo what to think about that.
Thank you very much for your help and your concern. I'm going to try and do my best to take your advice.
:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): Dear, you experienced something that many women live through everyday. This will sound very dramatic to you because you are in denial simply because you love this man. But step back and think rationally for a moment. You just went through 'two' phases of 'domestic abuse.' You and he had the big fight so the first phase was tension/fear. The 2nd phase was the big incident/fear where he threatened and scared you without (whew! thankfully) harming you. And the third phase will be his apology. The fourth phase will be the making up period where I can guaruntee, he'll be on his best behaviour. That is, until this horrible, dark, terrifying cycle starts all over again…and then again …and again. Sweety, I am worried for you. You may be in love with a volatile, dangerous abusive man. It doesn't matter whether you love him or not..right now what matters is, do you love yourself enough to let this guy go. What matters is when you and him had this scary fight where he lost control and threatened you, I hope you finally clued into who he truely was. And I have to say...who he was today was terrifying and I think dear...you just had a glimpse into what your future will be like with this man. So now-what are you going to do about it? My suggestion: do the hard work-stop loving him. If you continue to love this man, you could be putting yourself in jeopardy. Let him go-heal and recover. It won't be easy...it will be sheer hell. Call in support of family and good friends..but do all you can to get through this. My heart goes out to you, dear. Take care of yourself.
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