A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been on the dating apps for a few months and met some nice guys, but didn’t really click with anyone. Then I met the son of a family friend recently at a family dinner. We’re the same age and he had just moved to the same town as me. We really connected and exchanged numbers at the dinner. We decided not to tell our parents anything until/if things progressed. That evening and the rest of the weekend, he texted me CONSTANTLY. Telling me how it wasn’t a coincidence that we met, that I was the full package, he can’t even believe how much we clicked, etc. He blew up my phone with 4-5 texts in a row of gushy compliments and pictures. He replied instantly to me and would just keep sending texts if I didn’t reply. I felt a good connection with him, but I felt a bit smothered after the texting. After all, we just met for a few hours ONCE and didn’t really know each other. I am not used to a guy showing so much interest in me, so I figured maybe I was just scared of someone being open and available. Since he was being so open, I figured I would be honest and tell him that I wanted to take things slow and was a bit nervous. He apologized for coming on so strong and said he just hasn’t been so interested in someone in a while. A few days later we went on a great date. He picked me up, brought me flowers, wined and dined me, was a perfect gentleman. I felt like I was really out with a man- not a typical bro. The hours flew by and it felt natural, unlike my dating app dates. Our second date was even longer, again great conversation and connection. He laughed and told me “I’ve never been so in sync with a girl and on the same page”. I told him I was definitely less nervous, felt super comfortable with him and enjoyed our time. That SAME night at dinner, he told me he is afraid of commitment and has a tendency to self sabotage when things are good (but doesn’t feel that happening with us). He said he’s still new to town and hasn’t dated much, so he wants to continue at the pace we are and just getting to know each other. He dropped me off after that date, told me he had an absolute blast but didn’t kiss me. I felt really unsure but reached out to him to see if he’d want to catch up this week and he said he was super busy with work and a friend coming to visit for the holiday. Since then we’ve texted sporadically with him initiating most contact. The texts have a completely different vibe now. I’m so confused about what happened. I was the one who said I wanted to go slow. I NEVER mentioned any future stuff or came on strong or put pressure on him. I tried to balance being open and honest with showing interest and still being chill since it’s so early. A lot of the things he told me about himself don’t seem to line up, so I’m left just feeling whiplashed. I’m overthinking a lot and trying to mindread what happened. I don’t really feel like I did anything wrong, aside from initially saying I wanted to take it slow? Even that I feel like isn’t terrible, given we had 2 great dates after. Any thoughts or similar experiences? Thanks in advance for the input.
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male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (5 July 2021):
 He does sound like he has got some compulsive issues that need addressing. It's really early days, he has come on really strong, burning your phone out, blasting you with texts left right and center. Then you tell him you want to take things slow and he completely changes.
I'm with honey pie, i also pick up on some iffy vibes here.
You know him better than i do, so how are you feeling about all of this, what does your intuition tell you?.
From reading your post i think i would be inclined to cut this one loose. Just feel he is going to present a lot of complications for you as things progress.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2021): People who haven't dated for a long time, or who've been through a series of lousy online dating-disasters tend to get a little over-excited when they've finally met someone somewhat attractive and sensible. Like a kid with a brand new toy, or just got tickets to Disneyland. He becomes lover-boy of the year! I'm surprised he hasn't written you a poem; or hasn't gotten your name tattooed on his forearm! God-forbid you'd be a rebound after a breakup! Watch-out!
You were a fish in a barrel, a bird in the hand, you practically fell into his lap, girl! He was beyond himself!
If you're caught off-guard, you'll wind-up in a whirlwind/breakneck romance! Blitzed with a barrage of text messages, and up-all-night phone chats! "You hang-up! "No, you hang-up first!" [*eyeroll*]
Trouble is, it peters-out! They come-down off cloud-9, and go pssssssssst-pbbbbbbb like when you let-go of an untied balloon. The dopamine-high and adrenalin-rush sorta fizzles! All them lovely messages start to trickle to a stop; and you feel a chilly breeze on your ankles!
When you see people getting ahead of themselves like that; you have to calm them down. You must actually suggest he take a chill-pill...but as nicely as you can phrase it! All that behavior was over the top, if not downright creepy.
The behavior is either an act of desperation; or the "player's tactic" to get you in the sack as fast as he can. First you get her all wound-up! Sweep her off her feet with all kinds of sappy romantic-stuff; then suddenly seem nonchalant. That leaves you stupefied! Like...what the hell just happened?!!
Then dead-air, crickets! Creet...creet...creet!
Out of the blue he calls! Been busy with work...yada-yada-yada! Oldest one in the book, girlfriend!
I'd just keep both feet planted firmly on the grown; and lower your expectations. If you stay level-headed, you'll figure-out where he's coming from. A few dates and flowers don't mean much. Keep your knees together and stay upright; and if the interest continues at a normal level, proceed with caution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2021): Hi, Honeypie. OP here. Thanks for the help! We have not done ANYTHING physical at all, besides a hug goodbye. I agree with you about backing off. I’ve been breadcrumbed by guys before & I do not want to be someone’s back up option ever again. He contacted me today to see how I was doing so I’m just keeping it cordial for now. I appreciate your wise input!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2021):
 If I were you I would just let this one go.
Going from "love-bombing you" after ONE meeting to then cooling down once YOU set some boundaries seems off to me.
You didn't do anything wrong. You were honest and he took it as criticism.
I hope you haven't slept with him.
And yeah, I would look elsewhere for someone to date.
If a guy tells you AFTER a good date, that he hasn't dated much and is new to the area, I would take it as he is LOOKING for greener grass.
I could be wrong, maybe what he is doing to TRYING to take it slow (as you asked) but also trying to make it seem like it was HIS idea. If he is just slowing down AS you asked, that is good. But if he is hoping to string you along while "checking out" what else is out there, I'd do a hard pass.
I don't know, I get iffy vibes here.
What do you think?
If you still want to get to know him, then back off and let him take the lead and KEEP sex out of it totally.
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