A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When my cousin, Brooke, and were teenagers, we lived next door to each other. Due to our parents work schedule, we were left home alone a lot. We also live in a small town (population less than 200) where our nearest neighbor was about 15 minutes away by car. We were lonely and bored a lot and we often kept each other company.When we were 16 years old, we thought we were in loved and ended up having sex on a few occasions. Brooke ended up pregnant by me. She gave birth to the child and put up the child up for adoption. Her and her family moved to another state to give Brooke a fresh start. With out much the town was gossiping about us, I'm glad she got away. When I was 18 and finished high school, I moved away also to get a fresh start.Brooke and I do talk about once a month (normal cousin conversations and we act like normal cousins now). There is no bad blood between us, even through we made a huge mistake together (having a sexual relationship with each other). Brooke contacted me last week and told me our son contacted her and wants to meet us. He is 21 years old.What type of questions should I expect him to ask us? What type of questions should we ask him? Should we tell him the whole truth, including the fact that Brooke and I are cousins? Should we meet him at the same time or separately?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2022): I recommend you be all ears, listen to him; and give your son straightforward answers. Nobody here knows what's in his heart; so we can't anticipate what his motive or intentions are. Just be prepared for both the worst and best case scenario.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2022): Prepare yourself for all the most uncomfortable questions and ALWAYS tell the truth. No matter how uncomfortable it is. If you lie and he finds out (and they always do) he’ll feel that you do not care about him and that you are selfish (which would be true). You need to own your own decisions/mistakes.
I’m almost sure that he will not make a big deal out of underaged parents giving up their kid. He too was 18 and knows how immature and helpless we can be at that age.
What would bother me, and maybe it’s a cultural thing, is that you are cousins. I grew up in a society where our cousins are also called “brothers and sisters”, like “a sister from my uncle” sort of thing. Even when we are not very close it is considered incest (I’m still talking about culturally, I don’t know about legally). I would say the truth about this and would keep it simple. We were in love.
Please don’t talk about boredom or lack of other social contact. Nobody wants to hear that his existence is a consequence of somebody’s inability to find a more suitable partner. We all want to be “products” of love.
I grew up not knowing who my father was. From an early age I felt that this was a taboo question and I never asked. My mother never invented stories. She never lied. I guess she might have waited for me to pop the question. I never did.
Over the years, even though I did not obsess over it, different ideas would pop into my head. Was it somebody who abandoned my mother? Was she raped? Was it a meaningless one-night stand? I learned much later that it was a guy from work she was in a relationship with. They had great time, but he had so much baggage. PTSD for one. He was a fun person to be with, travel with, enjoy life in general, but he was not a good person to raise a child with. Before he met my mom, he had already had two failed marriages and two children he had failed in every possible way. And I am grateful to have learned the truth. At some point, when I was a baby, she cut all ties with him and that was that. He wouldn’t have been a constant positive presence in my life.
So, whatever you do, just tell the truth! Own everything and talk about it in a normal, LOVING way.
Like all parents should do, you and Brooke should develop a common strategy. Be on the same page. (don’t lie) Ask him what he wants. Does he want to meet you both at once or not? Respect his wishes. Make sure that you show him clearly that this is ABOUT HIM and that you’ll do anything to respect his needs.
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