A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am married and am in love with a married man. I've been in this relationship for only one month. we've been kissing and caressing and he makes me feel something I dont feel with my husband. i think I love but am feeling guilty. i wouldn't like my marriage to break just incase my husband finds out. I feel bad now that he wants us to make love and this is because am confused and dont know if I should do it. i love this man because he makes me feel really good. please advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blindbetty  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 Think of this.....
80/20 Rule
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will
only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT. And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT.
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that
you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED
in your life.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you
don't have. 'Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her sexy features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not.
Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who
will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful, richer, and has greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.
Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse
will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.
You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a
cherry laugh no matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . ..'
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and
pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a
fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.
But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.
Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!
That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that
represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you
don't have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for
what you already have.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Either end your affair or end your marriage if you want to be with the new man.I wont' say that for sure you should stay in your marriage, because I don't know you or your relationship with your husband. I don't think people should stay in marriages that are very unhappy or unhealthy. But I don't know your marriage.But either way, it boils down to choosing one or the other. There are just so many consequences with carrying on both at the same time. the new man is married too? that is his choice, to cheat on his wife. Don't make yourself responsible for his marriage, you are responsible for yours. If he has made the decision to cheat on his wife, that's his responsibility and his burden to bear. But since this is an early stage in your affair, I would put your relationship with the new man on hold for now and take stock of your marriage first. If you never met the new man, would you leave your marriage on its own grounds? If not, then you should probably break off your affair now while you're not in deep yet, because sooner or later the guilt of leading a double life and keeping secrets and lying to your husband will eat you up inside. You may be able to continue it for some time, but eventually it will catch up to you and the longer it goes on the worse it will be.But if your marriage has always been struggling and always felt not right (affairs are symptoms of problems in the marriage), and if it would end sooner or later, then it could just be coincidental timing that meeting your new man is the catalyst to getting you out of your rut to finally end your marriage. Keeping someone around when you don't want to be with them, is even worse than leaving them IMHO. staying married to someone out of obligation or guilt is not doing them any favors either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): If you love that man more than your husband, you should try to maybe change your husband into the man that you like. You do realise that now, both you and that man are having an affair. And if any of your couples find out, you guys will be in big trouble. There is a small possibility that he will divorce his wife for you.
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A
female
reader, so scared +, writes (3 October 2010):
I agree with blond better y 101 percent. What comes around goes around. Don't destroy yourself your marriage and there marriage at the same time. I'm going through that same thing now and it hurts like help. I cheated on my husband over 8 years ago. He forgave me but now he's done it to me and it maybe be a child involed as a result of his affair. I'm just finding out about a month ago and this child is 2 years old now. I'm still struggling to stay in my marriage and for us to work things out. We have been married for 9 years now and together for over 13. I feel so hurt wnd betrayed. But all i can think about is that maybe if I wouldn't have done it first he wouldn't have done it to me. I know it makes no difference because if you love your husand you tell him what it is your looking for and maybe he can provide it to you. But don't destroy your marriage. It's hurtful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): The guy just wants your body.Be intelligent.
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A
female
reader, blindbetty +, writes (3 October 2010):
STOP! Didn't you verbalize marriage vows to your husband and to God? Do you have no restraint? You need a counselor to help you sort out your feelings BEFORE you proceed with the other person.
If you are that careless please be kind to your husband and separate from him, let him know...don't sneak around and hurt him worse (or the married man's wife). Why must you devistate another person's life like that. Yes you have that kind of control, use it wisely.
Always remember that old saying "what goes around comes around". These words are so true and you won't figure that out until you have done bad.
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