A
male
age
51-59,
*atherly Advice
writes:An interesting thing has happened in my relationship with my wife. I suppose the proper thing to do would be to ask her, but she really gets uncomfortable when talking about sex. This is not new but a condition that has increased over the years. When we were newlyweds, she was more open. Now that our kids are in high school, she can hardly say the words. That is not the question, I told you that so I could ask you this:A week or so ago I came across a herbal supplement called Horny Goat Weed. I thought the name was so funny, that I just had to tell her about it. We had our chuckle, and I thought that was the end of it. (in case you don't know Horny Goat Weed is supposed to increase your libido (sex drive)) She has with age had a significant decline in drive, More decline than I have leaving us unequal. So last night I was putting together an order for vitamins and needed to add another bottle of some thing to get free shipping. I asked her if she knew of anything else we needed. She replied that I could get some Horny Goat Weed. I'm a joker, I just assumed that she was joking. But, she wasn't. She said "I need to try something". So, is it because she is to shy to ask that we have waited so many years? Or is it that I have become such a nag as her drive has fallen behind mine? I kind of Hope that deep down she emotionally wants to be more sexually active with me. What do you think? Is there anything else I should be doing. Any hints for helping her talk about it?FA
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): It sounds like a really positive response on her part. She is obviously aware of her deceased drive and this might be her trying and wanting to improve it. Order the pills and give them to her and hopefully she'll take them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): at least she is willing to try it, and yes, perhaps (well maybe) she was waiting for you to suggest something. see, she is not such a prude after all.
good luck and yes, have some fun.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (14 May 2009):
Fatherly Advice is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for writing in MR. I and Troubled. We are still pre menopausal but her family has a long history of troubles with that change. I think the best face to put on it is to appreciate her opening up. It came as such a surprise. You have given me a lot to think about and some research to do. I agree about the foreplay italmost always works for her. She prefers about 30 minutes of massage. Unfortunatly massageing her is just work to me except for the bennefit of the touching. I'll keep checking in. FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): There are women like my wife who have never had a real sex drive. She almost never initiates sex. She does crave affection though and with affection gets in the mood for sex. Once the foreplay begins then she quickly gets in the mood for sex and enjoys it and most times has multiple orgasms. She normally has a difficult time having an orgasm with intercourse, so I give her oral nearly every time we have sex and sometimes even without continuing with intercourse.
The other thing that I do to get her in the mood is to talk about sex, like what I am going to do to her tonight. A glass of wine with dinner makes it better for her and 2 glasses make it even better.
If the guy makes sure that the woman has at least one orgasm nearly every time then they are more likely to look forward to sex. Some woman can have an orgasm with intercourse alone and even without much foreplay, but I think that is rare, at least from my limited experience. Of the 5 women who I was sexual with years ago, only one was the type who would attack me before I even thought of sex and most had their best or only orgasms with oral sex.
Hormones play a big part in sex drive for both men and women. I think my wife's hormones have always been a bit screwed up because of severe endometriosis at a very young age and an operation to relieve it early in life. She went through menopause at a relatively young age and there was no change in libido. She still liked sex just as much and still had almost no libido. Some women just have low testosterone and possibly an estrogen to progesterone imbalance. My wife was always embarrassed to ask her gyn about it until recently and now that she is in her 60s, they don't see any reason to look into it. Some doctors don't think it is that important for women in their 30s either.
I am lucky that my wife has always wanted sex as part of the affection thing, but our sex drives were very unequal until recently. When in our 30s and 40s, I could have sex 3 or 4 times a day, while she wanted it once a day and occasionally twice on weekends. Now that we are older, my drive is still greater than hers, but my ability isn't. :( That leaves things pretty equal at about 4 times a week.
From what I have read and my experience, a woman's desire for sex is more connected to how you made her feel today than the primal sex drive that us guys have. They just don't have the levels of testosterone that we have. Some women crave sex like us guys do, but I think they are rare.
On the subject of horny goat weed. We tried it for both of us about a year ago. It did a little for me, but nothing for her. I was diagnosed with low testosterone a year ago and that affected my libido and mood and caused mild ED. I am taking T replacement now and things are the way they were before the low T symptoms started. Just an explanation as to why I tried the HGW. I have read where it has helped some women a little, but in most cases it doesn't do much or anything at all. My wife has talked to her PCP and gyn about testosterone, but they don't want to really discuss it. It doesn't make a difference for all woman anyway. For some women estrogen drives a woman's libido and for others it is testosterone.
It should be of comfort to you that she is starting to open up to her problem of low libido. Encourage her to talk about it and ask her opinion of what she might suggest. Go to the women's sexual health forum on healthboards.com and read some of the stories and what women have tried. There are many stories there of women losing their desire for sex. There are prescription drugs that kill sex drive. SSRIs that are commonly used to treat depression are killers of libido and sometimes even result in sexual dysfunction. There are other drugs that have the same side effect in both men and women, but I don't remember the other ones off the top of my head. Some types of blood pressure meds can cause ED in men, but I'm not sure of what they cause in women.
Remember, most women don't have that primal desire for sex like us guys do. For them, sex is ofter more tied to affection than it is to just sex for the sake of sex. Many or most also have a harder time reaching orgasm than us guys do.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Insignificant +, writes (14 May 2009):
 Has she gone through menopause yet? Menopause just wreaks havoc on a woman and God bless them for being the superior beings and having the strength to go through it. God bless you too for being on the receiving end!
I am concerned that she may be somewhat ashamed or embarrassed about the decline and thus discussing it makes her feel worse.
Just a thought here but what do you think about getting her a sentimental romantic card from Hallmark and write in it about how much you love her, need her, and ache for her and wish to please her?
This approach may be the inroads to opening up the conversation albeit in a subtle way. You can even write in the card, "please write back soon!"
Just thought, not sure if it will work, you horny goat! ;-)
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