A
male
age
51-59,
*edjpd
writes:I have posted previously on my situation and I have tried to stick it out but have reached the end of my tether. My wife and I are less than 2 years married and have an 18 month daughter and she is 7 months pregnant. Our marriage has become loveless - there is no love, affection or intimacy - all there is now is hatred and resentment. I have tried to stick at it for the sake of our daughter and unborn but cannot go on living in a state of constant unhappiness. Everything I do is wrong and she thinks her and her family are so superior - love can be measured by the size of a present!I'll give a couple of examples of her behaviour - - yesterday I was feeding our daughter breakfast and she came down and said it was too lumpy - there was nothing wrong with it. - I was putting socks on our daughter sitting at the top of the stairs - I was accussed of being reckless with her!! - she does not even trust me to bath her alone. - She is constantly correcting my English eg saw/seen, did/done - this to me is just being petty. - My cooking is crap - then she says I never offer to do any (you wonder why) - She uses small bits of information I give her to exaggerate stories and situations - has no respect for my work - constantly slags off my family- especially my mother and sister - she ordered me not to go to our unborns scan on monday (I have no feeling for this pregnancy anymore) - she said I 'looked' at her at the top of the stairs and thought I wanted to push her.My only function at present appears to be to lift our daughter in and out of her cot and the bath - that is the only reason she is 'tolerating' me in 'her' house.She says she can't do this because of the pregnancy. - I need and deserve more than this.I feel undermined at every instance and get no thanks for anything I do - she seems needy as she says I do not show her enough affection - she expects flowers and gifts all the time.When I react I am cold and nasty - she doesn't see that I am reacting to her pettyness and vindictiveness. I think she wants a doormat millionaire.On top of this I do not feel comfortable in our home as this was 'her' house before we got married and this is constantly thrown up at me - no acknowledgment is made of the financial contributions I have made since we got married. Therefore I feel I have no space of my own, no ownership. I try my best to be a good husband and father and devote all my spare time to them - I have even sacrificed my work at times to meet her needs.I can't go on living like this and after another load of abuse have moved out again back to my parents. I know I have responsibilities to my daughter and unborn, and I will meet them, but just think the best thing is separation as I don't see how we are ever going to improve and because of all the bad blood that has been spilled.I know I will probably get crucified when looking access etc to my kids and that she will probably poison them against me - but I need to live too.We have tried counselling and were going to try marriage encounter (but she would not leave our daughter in anyone elses care) - so I don't see any other way forward.Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
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male
reader, redjpd +, writes (24 February 2010):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI keep asking myself today do I want the marriage to work - I do for the sake of us as a family but can't see it working. I am not perfect but can't continue in an environment where everything I do is undermined and my role as a father is questioned - I am just sick of all this and this has eroded any love I once had. I don't think it is just the hormones - I think she has unrealistic expectations of marriage and family life. She doesn't like being challenged and can't realise the destructiveness of her behaviour towards me. I think she resents that my life has more or less continued as normal ie going to work everyday - while she is stuck at home (her choice), pregnant & bored.
I know she feels she is a victim when i move out - 'I am neglecting my responsibilities' - but I see my function as a father as more than a lifter and layer. I have had enough of the psychological bullying.
We have been to counselling and it helped for a while but I don't think anything I do will ever make her happy.
A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Seperation is probably the best idea.
Sorry but she has no right to think that she is above you in anyway.
If there is no love in your marriage then seperation is the best idea, it's not fair on either of you to be living unhappily.
Is this the hormones of the pregnancy? Or was she like this before?
They're your children too and you should get a say in how to raise them.
She seems to like being in control.
If you're doing your best as a father that's all you can do.
As a husband, you've done your best. Suggest marriage councelling or something, if she doesn't want to make the marriage work then it won't, because it's not a one-way street.
Talk to your wife and come to an agreement together, and don't let her take control, this has to be mutual compromises, it's best for the children. They don't want to see their parents arguing and fighting all the time.
As for your unborn child, you have the right, as the father, to be at the scan. That's my opinion anyway. Why doesn't she want you there?
It's not fair on either of you to continue in a marriage where neither of you are happy.
Talk about it and come up with an agreement and fight for your children if it comes to that.
Hope this helps,
Good Luck x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 A separation would be good idea and will make her realize that you are indispensable .
Sometimes they take you for granted and are not aware of it.
You need to get back into the driver's seat .
You have given all your best and if that is not enough ,there is nothing more you can do about it but to let her go and seek her own happiness.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 I think your separation was a wise idea. I wonder if having two pregnancies so close together is part of her problem. Nevertheless, your relationship is hardly tolerable and if after some time apart then maybe a divorce will have to ensue. Her belittling you in front of the child is inexcusable. Was she anything like this before you married?
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