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"Love. but not in love." What does it mean?

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Question - (5 July 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 23 November 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

WHAT do men mean when they say They love you but arent IN love with you? This sounds very confusing and have had it recdently said to me.

What is the difference please and why say it and what is the meaning?

Thanks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009):

I can tell you first hand what this can also mean. For me it means that I have fallen out of love with someone. The spark is no longer there. We have several years & kids together, so for that reason I still love this person and all the memories but don't care to spend every waking moment with this person. Yes, I still love her, but not in love with her.

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A female reader, Ms.? United States +, writes (29 July 2009):

I've ben told ths recently && looking for answers approached ths site..reading the answers submitted i've come to conclusion:

When they say this in many ways they are telling you simply they aren't ready to commit their heart and soul to you as a person, but yet still appreciate and love who you are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009):

i was confused yesterday when my bf told me that he loves me with all his heart but he cant say he is in love.know after reading this blog i guess i will go pack his belongings an move on thanks for the advice!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009):

If he says he loves you but is not IN love with you, it more than likely means he just wants to be a friend with benifits - sleep with you and just be friends. In other words, he doesn't see you as marrying material but he wants to sleep with you without any strings attached.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008):

When you are inlove with someone it means you desire them in every way, shape and form. You desire them sexually, emotionally, spiritually. You are drawn to them like a magnet and you can't live without them and you would do anything for that person.

But when a guy tells you he loves you, just not inlove, it's just a nice way of saying "I am not inlove with you." In other words, he doesn't desire you. He can live without you. He doesn't feel an attraction there, that's all. You are not the one for him, in his eyes. He likes you as a friend, but that's as far as it goes. He doesn't see you in a sexual way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008):

He means he cares for you like a very close friend or

relative,but he doesn't see you in a romantic way or see a

possible romantic relationship between you two.That's what

he meant.I know.Boys and men can be so very confusing!Ha!

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A female reader, SugarCookie United States +, writes (5 July 2008):

It means that he cares about you the way you would care about a friend or family member, but he doesn't have intimate feels for you. Basically he cares for you as a friend not a life long partner.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008):

It is a very nice and diplomatic way that he is trying to tell you that he is not that"into" you; basically don't wait for "fireworks" or a relationship; probably okay as good friend, but not more.

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A male reader, ChiRaven United States +, writes (5 July 2008):

ChiRaven agony aunt"Love" has been defined as a situation in which the other person's happiness is essential to your own. In that way, it is possible to "love" someone deeply without being romantically involved with them at all.

I think the distinction is meant to express a deep sense of feeling, caring, and attachment, but a lack of desire for a romantic and/or sexual involvement.

I personally would use the term, for example, to describe my feelings for a woman whom I've known for more than 40 years. We've been confidants and pals through all that time, but never lovers nor have we even dated. I love this woman, but I am not IN love with her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008):

To my mind, when a bloke says something like that, he's holding back from commitment.

He 'loves you' when he's having sex with you, but he's not 'in love with you' until he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Or vice-versa, depending on his vocabulary.

That's the distinction, pure and simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008):

I have always took this to mean that they love you in the same way that you would love a friend, but without that depth and need that comes from "being in love". They care about you and wouldn't want to see you come to harm in any way, but that "fire" we feel when we are "in love" with someone just isn't igniting for them.

If someone has said this to you then it's time to start letting go and move on.

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A female reader, sarahisgreat123 United States +, writes (5 July 2008):

well my interpretation is that you love the people that are close to you (your family and friends) but you are IN love with your husband or wife of your partner or w/e. if someone says they love you but are not in love with you i think that means they dont see you romanticly or as their soul mate

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