A
female
age
36-40,
*va.bradford
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years; he's traveling for work and I'm in medical school. We've talked about getting engaged once we can be in the same city and we've both met each other's families. We have a fantastic time when we see each other (about 1-2 times a month). The problem is that things have gotten so stressful in both of our lives that it's taking a bad toll on the relationship. I have a huge exam coming up in July (the Board examination), so that makes me stressed. His job is also very demanding and time consuming; he is usually in the office until 9-10 pm every week day. Even though I'm in medical school and should be busy studying, I find myself concentrating too much on our relationship. Because he is so busy, I feel like we don't talk enough. I miss the small romantic things that make a relationship fun, but he says he just doesn't have the time to spare. We end up arguing about it all the time... I get mad that he can't call/e-mail/do sweet things for me, and he gets mad that I have "expectations" and put pressure on him. He says that he wants me to be more flexible and easy going, but the only reason I "nag" him is that I want his company, and I want to feel like he misses me as much as I miss him. I end up being very needy and basically begging for his time. I need to be focusing on this exam, but all I do is cry every night and stay upset after he can only stay on the phone for 10 minutes before falling asleep. I feel bad that he can't reciprocate the things I do for him, like send him mail or make him a photo album. I know he's very stressed and busy, and he is working so hard for our future.. but I can't help wanting some more love. He has assured me so many times that it won't always be like this, and to just focus on other things in the mean time. I have a problem with looking to the future though, I want things to be better now. I'd like some advice on how not to pressure him, or nag him about spending time on our relationship. I have tried to just sound happy every time he calls, regardless of how often, but I always end up giving in and telling him how upset I am that we haven't talked. I want to just be able to pretend I'm doing OK for the time being, until our lives are less stressful and we're able to be together. It's making me too sad, and I need to be studying instead of focusing on my boyfriend :-/
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 I got some good advice from my dear friend today. Not exactly advice, but I complained about how my man didn't do the dishes when I asked him, and how I didn't get enough attention. She said "Oh what can you do about those MEN, they are always like that, my man keeps leaving his dirty socks under the bed when I repeatedly told him to put them in the dirty laundry! They just never listen!"
Since she said this I have seen things in a new light. Maybe we are expecting more than we can, honestly, men are men. They can't do exactly what we want all the time, but they do what they can, and if we expect too much we will only end up hurt all the time. I think you and me both may be a bit high maintenance, and your boyfriend has clearly told you so as well.
Relax, calm down. He's doing his best. His best needs to be good enough, or you need to find a new man. I don't want you to pretend things are fine. But I think by this time your man is aware of your feelings. No need to constantly go at it. Talk about other things. If you two have good solid foundations for a relationship, you wont need to talk 24/7. You will know where you have each other at the end of the day. So try to focus on all the things he does do, and not the things you wished he did.
You miss him, thats all. It's not his fault. And I am sure he is doing his best to make you happy.
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