A
female
age
36-40,
*innie73
writes:Need honest advice! Please!I am 24 and currently live with my boyfriend of a year (he's about same age) and there's another room which became available over a month ago - so we needed a third house mate. My boyfriend was keen for one of his friends to move in. I like this friend of his, however, i had my doubts because he likes to party a LOT and drinks and takes illegal substances regularly, which is something I didn't particularly want to live with. I am not boring and enjoy drinking and socializing, but i also feel i have grown past the point of binge drinking and constant partying - i am also trying to hold down 2 jobs among other commitments. So i had my doubts, until my boyfriend said he would only be there a few nights every few weeks as he worked out of town and stayed out there several weeks at a time. I reluctantly agreed, based on the knowledge he would only be there occasionally and I asked that we enforce rules for when he was here. A week later, I found out from my boyfriend that his friend (that was soon to be moving in with us) had quit his job and was going to be living with us full time. And this point several arguments occurred, mainly that i never agreed to this arrangement and I was worried our house would turn into a drug and party house. My boyfriend convinced me it'd be alright and to "give it a chance". My boyfriend also expressed it was rude to tell his friend he couldn't move in after he already said he could. I didn't really have a choice, so i went along with it, hoping that some rules were put into place. When he moved in, my boyfriend has a chat with him that we didn't want it to be a party house and that i was worried about him moving in - no set rules were really put in place, just a general chat about what we wanted. After he moved in, my worst fears were realized; people were over every night of the week (often people i didn't know), drugs were being taken late on weeknights, loud music was played constantly, the house smelt like smoke, people were staying for days at a time and using all our resources, among several other things. For weeks i fought with my boyfriend that we needed to enforce proper house rules and that i was miserable living like this. I threatened to move out if this continued, and eventually we all sat down for a chat. His friend expressed that he was on holidays and needs to be able to have people over and that soon he would settle down. He asked me to stick with him for a few weeks until he got another job and settled down. Still, we agreed on some simple rules and curfews and i asked that no one was over a few nights a week, and if he was intending on many people over that he run it by us. etc etc.I thought all was well, however he blatantly ignored all these rules and curfews immediately. This previous weekend i didn't spend more than 10 minutes at the house since there were people partying there the entire time. This has resulted in me acting like a total bitch in front of these people - slamming doors, turning lights off on them, and generally making it obvious they are not welcome, especially in the middle of the night. I work a 6 day week and have been extremely unhappy that when i get home on a Friday night, the same group of people are there for the entire weekend, without notice.This has resulted in several big fights between me and my boyfriend and between us and his friend. Finally, today, he acknowledged that he coulnd't abide my any rules and that he was a single bachelor male who needed to make spontaneous decisions to have people over. He also said in a few weeks he will still need to continue the same behaviour.He agreed to move out as he couldn't stick to the house rules but I am far from okay. I feel responsible and like a horrible person which all his friends now hate. I am very upset with my boyfriend for letting this happen and causing me grief for over a month. I am upset that he didn't listen to my wishes in the first place and didn't enforce any house rules. I am annoyed that i have had no choice but to be a complete and utter bitch for the past month as my boyfriend would not stand up for me. My boyfriend has apologised and said it was a mistake to let him move in and he accepts full responsibility. He said he thought he could control the situation but he was wrong.What should i do? How do i know this won't happen repeat itself in future? How do i know my boyfriend will put me first and protect/support me in future? He said he has learnt his lesson but I can't get over it that easily. If i continue to live here, how do i know the house wont turn into a hotel and i will be forced to act like a bitch and kick people out because my boyfriend won't stand up for me or enforce rules? How do i know that I'll be put first in future? I am still fairly sure i'll be moving out regardless, because i have over a months worth of anger built up inside me.Any advice would be great, even if it's to tell me I'm wrong. I suspect my friends are biased since they have told me to leave the house and my boyfriend. Thank you!
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male
reader, mike99  +, writes (20 September 2011):
Wow this makes me aggravated just reading it.Why haven't you left yet? Your man has been putting his friend before you and you're putting up with it. Why? By threatening to leave and not actually leaving you are essentially sending a message that this behavior is tolerable and it's not - this was established with your boyfriend prior to this fellow moved in, correct? Was it not also established by the rules you put in place twice?Good on you for slamming doors and switching the lights off on them since your house mate is disrespectfully breaking the rules agreed. If you have a prior agreement with this house mate and he breaks the, you should not expected to be pleasant to him and his guests. In your average share house this is grounds for eviction. You should have told him to hit the road a long time ago. I'm sorry but these don't sound like very savory people, your boyfriend and house mate included. You should not care if they blame you. If you know you're right then they aren't even worth a thought. You only get one life so don't let worthless people bring you down. Where is your man through all of this? Why hasn't he told this house mate where to go? Is this really someone you want to continue dating? I don't think so.I love my girlfriend with all my heart and soul and her happiness is the most important thing in the world to me. I would die before i let this happen to her. You need a man who'll put you first otherwise he doesn't deserve you, plain and simple love. If you are forced to stand up for yourself alone because he won't protect you and in turn, you feel like everyone hates you, then leave the bastard. You clearly have low self esteem and have trouble standing up for yourself. You can't put your foot half way down, you have to put the whole thing down. Get out of there now, for your own sanity and self worth. There are plenty of men out there, myself included, who would never subject you to this. Get away and be happy.
A
female
reader, sarahb +, writes (20 September 2011):
Omg. I'm sorry but why are you still with this guy??? If he wont put u first now he never will, u will be having the same problem over n over, im telling u. In answer to ur question, U wont know it wont happen again n u have to ask urself if u can live with that. I couldnt.oh n U shudnt care if his friends hate u they sound like they arent worth ur time. If its ur place n u have rights n u make it obvius they arent welcome and they dont leave then they r not decent people. THey have no respect. I would be so angry if i was u i would have left boyfriend if he let someone move in when i asked them not to.Stsand up for urself, get ur shit and get out of there girl. Ur frends r right u should move out n leave him n teach him a lesson. U deserve much better from a boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Let me see if I have this straight:
You and your B/F took in this guy.... you had misgivings and asked for rules, and you and this guy and your B/F agreed to those rules.... and this guy changed his living arrangements such that the rules got tested.... and he broke the rules repeatedly.... and YOU are worrying about "...feel(ing) responsible and like a horrible person which all his friends now hate...."
Sounds to me like you'll be MUCH better off at your new address... (and with a different circle of friends!).
Good luck...
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