A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 7 months. I am very pleased with the intimacy in our relationship but he says that it is missing something for him. He (28 years old) has been with five times as many women as I (24 years old) have (been with men) and I think that he is craving something that he had in all of those hook ups that he doesn’t feel that he has with me. I am absolute when I say that he is the best lover that I have ever had and I am more than pleased with him…recently he has been saying that he wants to marry me and have me be his wife and mother of his children because he loves me so much and knows that he won’t find another woman who will dedicate herself to her family like I would… but that he wants to have separate sexual lives. I have told him that I am not this type of woman and that I am sure that I would be beyond devastated if that is what ended up happening. I am not the unfaithful type, and if I do not want to be with someone intimately, chances are that I won’t date him seriously either. I know that intimacy isn’t everything, which is why I have not let this issue get under my skin until now. I HAVE asked him what his fantasies are, what makes his toes curl, what would make him more than satisfied in bed, and the one answer that is consistent is to see me with another woman – which I have told him I am not comfortable with until I am confident with his satisfaction with just me (for the fear that he would only be able to be with me if I was with another woman from that point forward). Men: What can I do or say or try? How should I be feeling inside? I feel twisted and pulled in the direction of my emotions/feelings and also in the direction of wanting him to be happy as well.Women: Have you been in this situation before? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I wish I could send you an airplane ticket to move away from this guy asap. You are a treasure, and he Doesn't see or Appreciate the Gift of your love/devotion.
I understand you love him and emotionally attached, but you need to make a break from him...time will heal your heart...
As far as living seperate sexual lives, He should be Jealous or if another man/woman caresses you,
and want you only for himself.
When you tell him your feelings, he insenstively says he's not satisfied...he wants to be a playboy.
How hurtful if you were to get married, then see him go out to be with another woman for an intimate evening. That's not a real marriage. Those memories are forever in his mind, and they should only be thoughts of you.
You've made your feelings clear, and when a husband pressures his wife to compromise her inner self, eventually her feelings turn numb, and wants nothing to do with him.
Just because he's a great lover, doesn't mean he's the only one. He's not capable of giving you the love you need...a deeper love
Please don't accept this, turn to family, friends, faith for support...
Caring for you,
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (24 October 2008):
 You deserve sooooo much better. Just let him go and find someone new.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 October 2008):
I think Daniel Pew is completely right. If he's not ready to settle down then he doesn't get to marry you.
Break up and tell him that when he's ready to grow up and be a real man and commit then he can give you a call.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 October 2008):
 In my humble opinion, you have seen through this correctly and there is really nothing I can add to your analysis, but this: if you don't want him to be with other women while he is with you, you have spoken your mind and he needs to make a decision. Not you.
If you speak your mind, but then you back off under pressure, over time all people, not only your partner, will learn that you go soft under pressure, and will wait for that moment to come and get what they want. Now that you told him that "separate sexual lives" are not for you, he either needs to take it or leave it, and you can't go back.
You love him and perhaps you think that "a little sacrifice" will help you keep him and enjoy the rest of him. I think it's a bad idea. I know you need to give in when you're with someone, but sometimes you just need to state where you won't give in. Of course, this is your life, and you know what you are willing to give in. I'm just saying that, in my opinion, giving in here is a bad idea.
He says "he won’t find another woman who will dedicate herself to her family like [you] would". Sorry, but to cynic me, that sounds like "You're a great woman, great housekeeper and you're even good in bed. Let's keep you, and let's see if I can get you to accept that I have someone else on the side".
If I were you, I wouldn't think about marrying this guy. I believe that, when people love you, they get to know what would hurt you, and they avoid that. I'm sure he knows you want him for yourself only, and how it would hurt you to "share".
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