A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship for 2 months. We have seen each other last month, (for a long weekend, 5 days to be specific) and we are planning to meet again the following weekend. I never really dwell on the difficulties this kind of a relationship might have. This is actually a rebound relationship, after breaking things off with my prev boyfriend I went straight to this one. Recently I have developed strong insecurities and lots of fear about this relationship. The person I am seeing is my old friend, we hooked up recently and decided to give this a try. He always talks about the effort which the LDR will demand from both sides and we always assure each other we are ready for the challenge. (NB: I have never believed in LDR until i got myself to this one)All of a sudden I have changed, I now have a positive outlook of LDR..I have started reading about it and learning ways to keep one. At some point I felt it is good because it will give me enough time to take my prev boyfriend out of my system.When we started dating he expressed that he does not like clinginess and he wishes we will have a mature way of accomodating each other.I have been glowing for the past two months, ever since this person came to my life he has been wonderful. We connect in a tremendous way and we have great communication skills. We never miss a day without taking to each other, whether by email, text, skype or phone... In the past two weeks issues have arisen. I started feeling a bit insecure. When we started dating he told me he was seeing someone else, but the relationship was on and off, so he gave me the story of his relationship and I belived him... two weeks ago I asked him again what was the status of his relationship with the other woman, so he told me things are not working between them (he suspected the girl was seeing someone else). At first he said he thought I would not have a problem of him dating this other woman.I explained to him that I am a jealous person, I personally cannot approve of him dating the next person... we spoke openly about it and I told him, that a LDR is very difficult to maintain, if he is seeing someone we are doomed to fail, as I cannot waste my time on being the other woman, especially in a LDR... he promised to oblige and he understood that I need reassurance from him...and he said he really likes me and he is willing to date only me.We always express to each other how we feel and how we wish things should be...He likes emailing and texting, he does not like calling. I prefer a phone call than the former, so he promised to give me a call most days before we sleep, and the past two weeks we have been talking more on the phone... Last weekend my gut told me something, On Saturday morning we sms each other. I think I am getting to like him more, all of a sudden I was feeling jealous and insecure and i decided to check on him and gave him a call at nite. He did not pick up his phone, so I was upset. He sent me asent it without saying anything.I then sent him an email asking why he did not pick up the phone(this was at 12 midnight so he did not respond) I assumed he was asleep. At 6AM in the morning he gave me a call explaining he was with his friend and he missed the call and decided to only reply by sms and gave me what I needed... I accepted his explanation, and did not argue much...On Monday I tried to express to him that, I feel its best that we communicate over the weekend. I asked him if he can call more on weekends and not text, so that we can bond together... I tried to reemphasize the damage that can be caused by not picking up a phone or not responding to sms, that it can raise a bad suspicion... he got defensive and said he did not understand why was I dwelling on the same issue over and over again... so I decided to not say more but said we will speak when we meet in few days.. (this is something i strongly feel about but I thought i shud wait for us to speak in person.On Thursday we were having phone sex, which turned out badly. He demanded more, and I was already about to sleep so I apologised. He was not happy, so I had to apologise endlessly as this was not the first time it has happened he is too liberal and he would make great demands,some which I cannot meet, even if I try harder he just never gets satisfied...he was sulking but I apologised and tried to console him that at least we will see each other in few days...Yesterday and today his phone has been off. I left him voice messages but he has not got back to me... I have so many thoughts in my mind that maybe he is with someone else this weekend, or maybe he is taking time to assess his feelings. I cant seem to get an answer and I fear calling him again as I don wanna sound desperate...I have a gut feeling that maybe he is not ready to see me, as yet. When we communicated earlier I asked him if he thinks he was ready for us to meet the second time? I expressed I do not wish to find myself in a triangular relationship, I told him I still have fears since he said he has not officially broken thought of cancelling my flight ticket and not go to see him... I am not ready for this kind of drama... what can one says are his reasons for this behaviour... Any advise is welcome...........I am still waiting for his call, but I feel down
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I really think men who start relationships that are long distance call them long distance booty calls. You are not his girlfriend. You will probably never be his girlfriend, the guy is wanting his cake and eating it too and he is going to date other women that he can see often in his home town and you are the girl on the sidelines ready and waiting. You are also going to run him off if you keep initiating calls this early in the game. His phone is off for blocks of time when he is dating someone else I can assure you, he is either with someone or sleeping, taking a nap....otherwise he would put his phone on silent or vibrate and screen his calls....but he has it off, he doesn't want someone else to know he is getting any calls.
You say this is a rebound relationship. Probably you are also feeling down because you haven't dealt with the old relationship. You are just going to have to go through some pain of loss on your own, and it would be healthier for you to stay single for awhile and not depend on any one guy. Date around and get your emotional legs back up under you and you will make a more appropriate choice for your next relationship. Right now you are needy and not making good choices for yourself. Long Distance relationships are painful enough when they are based on love that got uprooted, they are pretty impossible to start if one of you doesn't move to where the other one is and I don't see in two months that happening.
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