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age
41-50,
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writes: I have been married for 5 years now and i feel im losing respect for my wife and i don't know how i feel towards her.I feel like im flirting with other women, My wife is a really good woman but i don't feel like i am a good husband, we have no kids, we have tried but to no avail even after IVF. I want to do the right thing, she believes in marriage for life but feels she is being not loved. I feel that if we go away on holiday i will be not be happy, i sometimes feel like spending time away with my male friends than my wife and i feel really sad about this, I wish i could put that love back or into our marriage apart of me wants to be single again to find a new partner. She is upset with me for acting in this way and wants me to change and be a good husband.Have i stopped valuing my wife and lost respect for her?We do have a "work, watch TV/ separate laptops" type of life, sleep at different times. she first then me.Do i want to be with my wife or is it time soon to divorce.or if i make some effort will it just happen again.Do i love my wife ????Kind regardsH
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the support from all of you, Thank you.
I think what you saying is what im starting to do-less the therapy.
But my life is healing with time im meeting some new people and getting to spend time with my wife. And feeling better every day. The pain of Suman is lessening.
I hope my future is bright in some way, I looked at my wife in a different light this morning, her face looked different, really nice, really sweet, made me smile lots.
A
female
reader, snowbear  +, writes (11 January 2009):
Hi.. It sounds like your in a great deal of emotional pain. I think too that you have put your first love on a pedestal and it would be difficult for your wife to compete with this. I think that if you two could take a step back from trying too hard and learn to heal each other it could bring it's own happiness. Would it help to just be friends and just enjoy the small everyday things like a cup of tea together. Life has been heavy on both of you. This is a time for healing your hurts and letting go of the past as it cannot be fixed. Take things slow and easy for now and perhaps see a therapist on your own for a bit to help you get started. You will shed tears and they will wash away the heartache you feel. Be patient with each other for now and don't expect anything more than a chat over tea or coffee. The heart is fragile but the mind even more so. Not being able to conceive is devastating for any woman who would like a baby. I would give it time before i would make any decisions until you have had time to think more clearly on what you want. Good luck and take care i really hope this is of some help to you.
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female
reader, ecstasy  +, writes (11 January 2009):
 you re welcome harinder....life doesnt give you many chances to start over... guess you still have a shot at this one give it your best... and best shall return do lemme know if you need any help with this cheers!
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female
reader, nickie123  +, writes (10 January 2009):
 i think that you lost entrance in her because you guys don't have kids either way if you guys get a divorce it won't leave an effect because
nobody is gonna get deeply hurt your wife might but your kids wont because you don't have any your young you still have time
she also seems like she lost entrance in you also because your life's is like brother and sister ;0
hoped i helped
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response. "a part of my life has ended"
I will and have to move forward. And in a way found a new freedom to life as i have the closure. I miss her with all my heart and always will. And life will never be the same, i have to accept that i will never get to live the life i would have liked with Suman and bereave. Iv realised not to joke with love take it seriously even at 21, the mistake i made is the worst pain iv ever experienced and stays with me and always will for the rest of my life without her, with questions of what if, maybe.
H
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (10 January 2009):
 I see now. Yes you have a previous love and that door is still open. You really do need to confront this other lady. In fact I'd write her a letter explain everything to her and be honest. Tell her about the circumstances you are in right now. And then wait for her reply.
That's the next step.
If she does not reply say after three months then you know that it's a dead end. If she does, then meet up with her for a coffee and a chat and see if the spark is still there. If there is spark then you have some thinking to do.
One warning though. If you write a letter it could be used against you later and your wife could find out. But you do need to either walk through or close the door with this past lover.
If you walk through the door and something starts with this past lover then you will need to speak to your wife.
Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks ecstasy i really found comfort in the part
"start from scratch think of all your good times together... think of times you were happy with her..."
Kind regards
H
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionplease if you get the chance read my other question "a part of me has died" It explain some under currents that are happening in my life.
H
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female
reader, ecstasy +, writes (10 January 2009):
Hi
i think you re just bored..... you need a break for your self ...time to sort your thoughts out! As far as loving your wife is concerned is you are the only one who can answer that... and yes if you think she's so nice... why dont you give her a chance just talking about something is not enough doesnt look like you are making any effort... start from scratch think of all your good times together... think of times you were happy with her... things dont always reaman the same .... thus it takes effort to keep relationships alive and exciting question is are you willing to make that effort for this one!?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Iv just posted a reply and posted it seprate as its a long response. but to the above she does mean alot to me and we would love children she is a few years older than me and we have tried to have children but its not happening. We have looked at many avenue's but i am going throght a hard time as my last post subject "a part of me has ended"
I dont know if I can see myself with my wife for years i dont know i think 5 but its sad she deserves the best of me, im 31 she is 41.
I dont know if i love her but i think we need to try somthing
Angelic says time apart, i dont know yet.
what chata writes about "Whether or not you love your wife" is my question ?, i really dont know and how i feel now is how iv always felt.
I want something but i dont know, is there someone else out there. but i dont want to hurt my wife ever and the thought of her being alone would hurt me so much. I want to plan and be with her a feel it which i don't right now.
Kind Regards
And thank you
Harj
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male
reader, Griffo +, writes (10 January 2009):
I feel you still love her but you don't know how much any more, you seem to be border lining off wether this is the end or not (falling out of love). Marriage is certainly something to stick by and battle to keep active. Always give her 100% every single time, she is like your team mate, you can't let the team down, maybe its time to build it too. It seems as though she is really trying, so the problem seems to be within yourself.
Sometimes taking a break for two weeks or a month may help make you realize who that lady really is that sticks by you and the problem within you. You'll certainly develop all the reasons that keep you together and they appear in front of you again. but if you do go away try not to flirt with a woman this would be time for you to think about you and your wife.
I also agree with the last post, you need to maintain the romance, every year it should be different, something unique. don't try to do to many things at once just a small thing once in a while is fine because you'll be with her for years!!!
Your at a nice age to start having children, it's said that when a man has a child it unlocks something within him. Maybe this is what you need, but i believe you need to be clear about this (thing) within you first.
Please reply so we can learn what you say about these answers.
Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, much appreciated.
A long story, when i was 21 i met a girl 18 and she was my first love extremly stuning, like Rita Hayworth. I was her first and we dated for a few months, i was young and needed to stabalize financal and emotionaly. The relationship end and i felt so heartbroken, I could not commit back then and i regret it so much, then 2 years i dated another lovely woman that was in 2003 and i mentioned to her this girl called Suman i was with when i was 21 as i thought of her evey year then that year i sent her a birthday card to summan on the 5th of Dec to her famlies house she was not in but studing, her brother opened the door i regret i did not send letters and did not leave any contact number. but that year 2003 i meet her accidently i the city we talked very briefly and i told her i know liked a few things she liked like indian movies and i tried to say i want to try again and we spoke for 5 mins and i asked her if she was single and she said i think yes and she asked me and i said i was dating then she said ok and she said i have to go and walked,that walk was the last i saw of her and i wished id said more like i wanted to get to know her and you get to know me and we consider spending the rest of our lives together two months after that i broke up with Joanne and a few months after married my present wife.
Anway 4 years passed and i thought of her every year and tried once again knocking her door before i was married but did not get to see her, i just wished i had writen and told her what i never did that i loved her and wanted to be with her so much. and for us to get to know each other. but 2 weeks ago i have a perfume which she also bought me once and the film Gilda was on and a place i once took her came up.
so i decided to knock her door again 2 weeks ago, i knew the house was for sale before so i thought they may have moved as 4 and a bit years had passed but i drove down with my heart pounding expecting her to be married or somthing but no one was in so i went next door and the lady told me they still live there, i asked how the family are and she said the young girl suman 4 years ago hung herself in her room. i was heartbroken and devastaed. i went back the week after to see the family the father died last year. the mother and son had never seen me before or did not remember me, but i was not invited in and at the door, what i knew now was confirmed, i asked if they could show me a photo as my memory has faded but they said no, i so hoped i could go in a talk about her, so much.
the brother said she left no note and died early 2004 i think i met her few months after the neighbor also mentioned becouse of a letter from a mother who said she could not marry her son and that was reason but i dont know but i doubt it was becouse of me i doubt she thought of me much as i dont think she new my feelings still.
The brother asked me if i new her freinds like Sabrina i said no and they then closed the door, i cried in my car knocked the door again no answer this time but i left a note saying please if the brother could call me or give me Sabrina's number i would be very gratfull so i can know abit more of her life and if she ever talked of me. That never happend.
so im very sad and not being able to realy talk about it and the relationship with my wife is one the rocks if this girl was still alive i would have wanted to marry her straight away. i miss her so much. But life must continue and i want to but my wife back in to the center of my life. I hope i can but i need to feel more and its not near what i felt for Suman.
Kind regards
H
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female
reader, Chata +, writes (10 January 2009):
 I'm not married, so I really can't say that I know what I am talking about, but I have heard about married couples falling in and out of love a few times during marriage.
Whether or not you love your wife is a question that only you can answer. We cannot tell you if you do or not. That's for you to figure out.
If you really want to get that love back, you're going to have to work at it. Love and marriage are work. Take her out to romantic dinners and get to know each other again. Maybe you have changed and you really don't know as much as you think you do. Do romantic things to sweep her off of her feet and make her fall in love with you again. Perhaps if you do this, you will fall in love again yourself.
I'm not saying that you are falling out of love, but it seems that your love is fading.
I would suggest that you do not take the easy way out and divorce. At least give an effort to get it back, and if you just don't click again, then maybe you just don't belong together, and that happens sometimes. Just try.
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female
reader, Angeljc1 +, writes (10 January 2009):
maybe what u need is just time apart from your wife to see how you two really feel. i feel like she maybe loves u a lot more than u do her, but then again it could just be that u need some time to yourself. my guess is that u flirting with other women is you trying to be single again.
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