A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Lil bit of advise/support needed. I have posted before but need more replies for peace of mind!I have become the other man in a relationship and it has gotten messy. Didnt mean for it to happen nor her and emotions got involved (I know). I will never do this again! There are no real ties on anyones sides no marriage no kids not one of us been living with the other. It has gone on for a year and shes been seeing him three. He doesnt know. Now there seems to be a stupid cycle of push/pull with her on me, shes like that with him too but obviously he is primary as freinds fam etc obviously know him but would be horrified about what she is has been dooing with me. The push pull is like she realises what she is dooing is wrong but then she comes back? Then the guilt etc push and then contact again then sex etc then cycle continues. Now its messed her head up and mine and carnt continue. She knows i want her to leave him for me but wont ultimatum her direct as when i have brought it up before she has said she doesnt want to talk about it and wants to carry on not having to think abaout it. Its her choice and she knows i want her but carnt make her decisions for her.Now she finnaly made a decision to end things with me saying she was in too deep and it was for the best this had to end. I figure she needs to go and take a look at her primary relationship and agree tell her not to worry things will work out in the end and i do care for her and agree.Now a few weeks later she is up to her old tricks and contacted me again, spent ages on the phone agreeing it was wrong having a laugh and the bottom line is she is unavailable. I know they are having big problems as well. Problem is there is still massive attraction there and after this call it had been set off again. Its dangerous! The texts started up again, testing my reaction it think but also think she was realising i was what she really wants (i told her i dont do seconds prior to us breaking and it was up to her). Now i got really annoyed after what we spoke about and me previously laying it on the line and after stupidly starting to play the game with her again (which is fun) I felt i knew what was coming (her wanting to come to me for mind blowing sex) i thought NO i am worth more than this have some respect for your poor unsuspecting boyfriend and stop being so selfish!. If you want me you have to do the right thing and split with him if your not happy not have two boyfriends. I esp thought i had to save face after what we spoke about and laying it on the line previously. I thought what bloody cheek!!! I'm not sure she even knows shes dooing it but someone please tell me she does!!! (I feeel like its a bloody test) Cos I also feel like i could kick myself for what i did next. I just text her goodby, you understand why, take care, dont forget me. She immediatley panicked replying 'do you seriously not want me to contact you?'. I have never responded. Knowing how her selfish mind works she will probably think im a bastard but she should know a lot better me having waited this long for her to make some sort of decision.Now i feel i have been filling some obvious voids in her other relationship, convesation, excitement, fun, thrill, sex. But my needs arent been met. Figured if i did this before Christmas/ New year then she would have to deal with her relationship issues if i was out of the picture and hopefully do the right thing by him and for herself. I actually just want the girl to be happy, me too even if not with her and besides I dont know if id go back. She prob know this too.There has been no contact since that last text from her. Guess she knows I have wised up and she has to take a look at herself. Just hope she doesnt think i have just slammed the door in her face.Do you think she can love him?Why does our attraction never go away and the pull so strong? This happens time and time again even when no contact has been started. Lust? I think its emotions as well?I am ready to move on now, she will know this as i havent done this before nor kept up NC this lomg ever. Hope it will make her get her act together.Slight problem i go to work in her building in a few weeks and will at some point see her. How should i behave? Hope you can give me an insight/advice!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): First of all, you need to be careful when being friends with women who have boyfriends. Most guys can easily suspect that you're trying to steal their girlfriend, even when you're not. You know how territorial and jealous guys are? And you know how they beat and/or kill other guys as well, especially over women? All you can do is, if her boyfriend threatens to harm/kill you or even stalk you, report him to your local police and file a restraining order against him. Above all, wait for her to break up with her boyfriend and declare that she is ready for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008): Believe it or not I had this kind of on-off, push-pull situation for nearly 10 years (my goodness even typing that length of time freaks me out). Anyway that was the reality. I know this feeling like the back of my hand. It is an addictive relationship. It is unhealthy. It is co-dependent in the sense that you cannot live with or without them. It starts off as lust, passion etc becomes more and then becomes bitter, competitive and eats up your mind. I will be brutally honest and tell you that the only thing that got me out of the mess was ironically meeting another man. He was properly free (no other relationship) and showed me respect, trust and total love. When I learnt to trust him and allow him 'in' (no doubt so far you have put some protective barriers up to avoid too much hurt) I realised what an amazing relief it was and I had the strength to say goodbye. 18 months on I can assure you that I feel absolutely nothing for 'Mr 10 years' and I cannot believe I was such a fool. Get out there and meet someone else. I lost sight of who I was, what I enjoyed doing and what my ambitions were because I was totally pre-occupied with this guys life. I think you may be making the same mistakes with this woman. I hope I have helped.
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