A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Readers,I was in a nine year relationship with my boyfriend. (Met in high school - dated on and off through college and after.) We had problems - mostly that he had growing up to do and put his friends before me, couldn't commit to moving in with me after all that time and was selfish. Stupidly though, I stuck with him, but finally began to realize that I deserved better and when I started to pull away, he left me and it broke my heart. A year later he came back into my life saying that he had grown up and realized what a jerk he had been. He said that he was ready to give me what I needed and deserved and was ready to commit. At that time I had been dating someone new for a couple of months. This new guy was extremely kind, giving, and mature. Though it was the toughest decision of my life, I decided to stick with the new guy. I made that decision 3 years ago and since then have moved in with the new guy, and love him, but I hate to admit that I still love my ex as well. My ex still wants another chance and the "new guy" is looking for more of a commitment from me (marriage, buying a home together). I am so torn up - I really wish I could forget my ex, I have tried therapy and everything to get over this so that I can move forward with my current boyfriend - but I feel stuck. Any advice?
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I think you have no idea what love really is. It isn't a feeling, it's a conscious decision to BE a person worthy of love. You put the needs of your other above your own, much of the time. Love is action, it's a verb, not a noun.
Your ex had nine years of your past, but he is your past. The current man in your life is actively loving you every day. It is unfair of him not to make a conscious decision to love him, to commit. Love above all else requires committment. Feelings wax and wain, committment is about vowing to love that person when those feelings sometimes go away..they can come back when we get things back on track.
You might try reading a really great book that will possibly be life changing for you in your view of life and love. "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck.
Therapy isn't going to work until you make a decision to be a person worthy of love.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (20 July 2010):
 What is it about your ex you can not get over? Is it what you had or what you thought you had or what you wanted? I had a very wise friend tell me that life wasn't meant to go in reverse, only forward.
I do believe that people can change but in the case of your ex, he was the one who left you and hurt you. Are you still hung up on him because he hurt you and you want to erase that pain by going back to him? The pain you felt is what shaped your life and what drew you to your new man. Your new man treats you with respect and is giving you all of the things your ex could not.
I honestly believe that if you went back to the ex you would still be unhappy because he hurt you and that kind of hurt will come up in arguments and when you are feeling unsure.
No one here can tell you what to do but it has been my experience that failed relationships are rarely better the 2nd time around.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Why is that you you still cannot get over your ex? What is holding you back?
Whatever it is, you cannot really commit to the new man while you feel this way. You take a chance on losing a good guy if you don't respond positively, and what guarantee do you have if you go back to your ex that it will work out this time?
You do realize, I think, it's a gamble? You can't have both men. Maybe you should return to your therapist for one or two sessions to see if you can sort out this dilemma.
After all, you do say you wish you could completely get over your ex in order to move forward with your current boyfriend. Well, truth is, you'll never forget the nine years you had together, but you can make up your mind that it belongs in the past, and you're not going to act on it - unless of course, you DO want to give it another chance.
Either way, both men will be hurt.
Third alternative is to say "the heck with both of 'em" and not get any more involved with either one - at least until you can come to a clear understanding of what you do and don't want. As I said, maybe a session or two with your therapist would be helpful at this point.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2010):
 What did your therapist say? Rather than torturing yourself with choice? How about just go along with whomever proposed to your first? At least the new guy had not disappointed you before. Don't worry about your ex, he could bounce back and find another woman. You are not the only one who is marriage material. I don't believe in "the one." Once you make a decision firmly you would be able to get over him because after you get married, seeing your ex is not an option. Seriously I would never date a guy who parties. This is what happens on my date. Around the fifth sentence, I would ask him what do you like to do in your free time? If he says he likes to party with friends at night, then I would tell him sorry, you are not my type, just being honest so we don't waste time. Try to imagine yourself going back in time and you said this to him. This mess wouldn't have happened, he wouldn't have strung you along, and those 9 years would have been so much better. Just pretend you never met him. When he contacts you tell him "I don't know you. Who's this?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Do you still talk to your ex? Keep things around that remind you of him? If so, get rid of all of that. You chose this new guy over your ex, and it's not fair to him that you have this hang-up.Furthermore, I understand that you still love your ex. He was a part of your life for a very long time. It's perfectly fine to still care about someone--don't confuse that for love, though! I say, carry on with this new guy -- he sounds like he really wants to be with you. Ignore your ex and break all contact with him. He wasn't ready for you then, but he can't have you now because you already have something good. Tell him too little too late and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Well, in this kind of situation SOMEONE is going to get HURT.its unavoidable.talk to the new guy and explain to him that its not fair for you to have feelings for someone else while your with him,he doesnt deserve that and u both know it.if you really can't get over the old guy, tell ur new guy that u cant go the rest of ur life not knowing what couldve been ,bcause u will.if he doesnt understand maybe he's not so kind.but hey, its up to you.ive had kinda the same situation.and if u see that the old guy has really changed, after and if u give him another chance,u'll know who to pick.uve gotta know.i also think theres something u never got to do with the old guy that u should do and get over with, atleast thats my situation.
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