A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm afraid that I'm driving my guy to lie to me. I know I freak out about a lot of things, but we are considering having children soon and I want to instill good values in them. My opinion is that we should completely cut out the bad things until our children are old enough to see them, just like my parents did. He doesn't agree, he wants to let them deal with it from birth. It's causing a lot of fights but now he is saying ok, sure, we will do what you want. But then I found out that he isn't agreeing, he is just saying it to keep me happy. I'm afraid that he will go behind my back and not tell me he is doing bad things, which means he is going to be raising our children that way... Please help me find a way to compromise without either of us feeling the need to lie. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Undisclosed  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 You've reached an impasse. He's lying because he's exhausted his options when you guys talked about it and he's no longer at the negotiation table.You're very focus on this particular issue of your kids but it's unlikely that this is an isolated incident and it can't be treated as such.Recognize that there is now a power imbalance (because he can just act unilaterally) and that any attempts to get him back to the negotiation table will be translated as unatractive efforts to get what YOU want by the same means he's seen in the past. These efforts will simply fall on deaf ears.You need a 180 degree change to overcome this impasse and it begins with "I've thinking a lot about what you said and I think there are some merits to letting our kids experience such things when they're young. It's not something I grew up with, it's foreign to me and I would like your help understanding it..." Don't interject with your concerns, just keep asking open questions and listen, listen, listen until you think he's said everything he has on his mind and more. He needs to genuinely perceive that you are open to persuasion and that you are accepting before he gets back to the table. This is hard because everyone believes that they are open to persuasion but not everyone appears to be open to persuasion in the eyes of the other parties. You have the break up the perception he formed in all your past talks.If you're having a hard time with the power imbalance remeber that he does have a common interest with you: Children don't thrive under a good cop bad cop parenthood, they are develop well under a uniform parenthood that disciplines them equaly under the same expectations and prepares them best for the world.Best of luck!
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Psychology says the average human person lies 7 times a day. Depends on what he's lying about. Most people lie for convenience and being nice. My grandparents lied about having a stillborn which my mom found out when she was a child, after looking at a natal chart with a familiar name, and found out it could be her dead brother. They just told her not to talk about it anymore. They didn't lie about anything else. They are good and moral people. You have to strike a balance between being honest, sincere and slick and smooth. Being blindly honest is not going to get you anywhere in society. Lying and cheating is not okay, while white lies like your dress looks nice is not harmful.
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