A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for about a month now. We have a lot in common, and we have a great time when we're together, which has generally been at weekends. This weekend a friend of his in in town and naturally he's arranging to meet up with an old group of friends he hangs around with, who are all professionally interconnected (I work a different kind of job and am not part of the same circle). He's made it clear that it'll be 'awkward' if I attend because his ex will be there and she might be uncomfortable with me as the 'new girlfriend'. I feel hurt by this. It seems as though I'm good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to be part of his public, social life. On top of this, he's kind of selfish. He takes much more than he gives in bed. He's quite happy for me to volunteer to cook for him and spoil him, but doesn't return the favour.Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this? Especially as it's very early days for the relationship? Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your help.
He has now made me a true part of his life and I am very happy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): You really need to talk to him about how you feel. I would be concerned that he was more worried about upsetting his ex, than showing you off as his new gf.
I had a slightly similar experience with my ex bf, who was also a little like your man - we had a big row because I had written a message on his facebook wall and added kisses (xx) on the end. He blew up at me and deleted the comment because "his ex might see it". I was upset and furious about this, but it turned out that he was actually more worried about the girl he was seeing on the side seeing the comments and thinking he was attached as he had told her he was single. The ex-gf comment was just an excuse.
Please be careful and dont put up with any nonsense. If he cant be bothered to think about you as well as himself, then he really isnt worth your time.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): Definitely talk to him not just about the issue with the ex but about the relationship in general and your feelings. If you feel you are losing your identity in the relationship, yes by all means take some time for yourself, take care of yourself and your needs you deserve that. But you can't emotionally bail out of a relationship, b/c then you will have issues, you might need to retreat for a bit and think things over I get that but if he's not good for you and the two of you aren't both committed to working on the relationship I say better to end it, so you can properly move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say a huge thank you to both of you who have responded so far.
Yes, he has introduced me as his girlfriend to people in public, but he's clearly very close to his ex still. The fact that he's more worried about her feelings than mine is definitely ringing alarm bells. I think you're right about letting him know how I feel, in as non-dramatic a way as possible. I need to be honest with him.
I also think I am going to have to try to pull back a bit from the relationship at an emotional level. I've really fallen for this guy, and I don't think he feels the same way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): I also think you are right to feel hurt. I do know sometimes my husband wants to bring me along and sometimes he wants a night to just go out with his friends, same for me and I hang in a mixed group boys and girls. Has he introduced you to anyone as his girlfriend? How is he in public with you? Does anyone know you are a couple?
You definitely should talk to him about your feelings. I would be concerned that he's more worried about his ex feeling awkward, it'd make more sense if he was like an ex of mine will be there would you feel comfortable meeting her? It makes more sense that he'd show more concern over his current girlfriend! Of course it makes some sense if you are insanely jealous and make scenes all the time but it doesn't sound like you are that sort of person. Well he could just be showing his true colors from the get go (and you have to decide if this man is right for you), the scary part is most people try and show their best in the beginning and if this is his best what's he usually like!
Anyways men aren't psychic and sometimes people are just dense, or emotionally retarded so if you need something from him you can't expect him to read your mind you have to tell him. You are in for a ton of disappointments if you wait for your man to get hints or to just figure it out b/c it seems like common sense, a good relationship is based on honest open communication, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately considering what goes on in my own head) no matter how long you are together or how much you love each other your partner will never become a mind-reader. Yes they will get to know you better and start to make better choices and figure out more of what you like and need without any help, but you should never stop communicating. Don't expect the impossible.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (30 April 2009):
 Yes i think you are right to feel hurt i would as you rightly said your ok to have sex with but not good enough to mingle with his circle of friends, i would have thought it would have been the opposite because his ex would be there he would want you along to show you he is over her etc: Seems he is being very selfish he has you doing things but cant even invite you to join his group of friends?
I would make it quite clear your not happy with this i know it is early days but even so i feel he is being very self centred here and i would let it be known your not happy.
Gina
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