A
male
age
36-40,
*ico
writes:Hi,Basically I'm going through a really tough time at the moment, I have been on and off with my partner over the past few months and I don't see us working any more even though I want us to be together. She is about 6 months pregnant and it is both our first child, we didn't plan it but we decided we both wanted him. The past few days it's came to a conclusion where we both have virtually called it a day. My head is all over the place, I don't want to be out of his life, I want to be with him 24/7 and watch him grow up, but I feel us not being together won't allow this to happen, I'm worried she will find someone else to be with and I'll be in the background, it's heartbreaking thinking my son could be growing up around another man and thinking he's the dad etc.I'm really feeling low at the moment. Please help. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Sadly, this is a common fear of men separating from the mothers of their children.As a mother, I can agree that shared custody with my daughter would not feel “enough”. You will learn that to be a good father, you must put the interests of your son ahead of your own. (No comfort here – I know – but bear with me.)Rather than "fighting for her", may I suggest you fight for friendship with the mother in the name of your child? Pregnancy is not fun and, presuming your (soon-to-be?) ex is a good person and there is no bad blood, your understanding and assistance will be treasured and could help pave the way towards her continued reliance on you as a father when Baby is born.While you are feeling down, start looking at your life in terms of what can be arranged to accommodate shared custody. For example, begin discussions with the mother about custodial arrangements after Junior is born. Can you change your work schedule to allow full mid-week days with your son once or twice a week? Is your home child-proof? A new mother (especially one breast-feeding) will likely not wish her new baby to be away from her for too long, but be patient. As your child grows, the length of time he is with you will also grow.Planning for an amicable future will be comforting as it is taking control of something you are unhappy about.And take solace in the fact that if you are there now and always, NO MAN will be able to usurp your role as "Dad" in your son's life.. ever.Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): excellent advice from miamigirls below. if you love her then fight! if not then you have no choice but to step aside, yes that may mean she will meet someone else and naturally whoever that is will be around your son, but you will still have a role to play.
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A
female
reader, miamigirls1  +, writes (8 September 2009):
First of all I have a question: do you love her? if so, fight for her!! if you don't please step aside her life but never step aside your son's life! sometimes it's better for the kids to grow up in a household of divorce/separate parents than in one where the parents fight all the time. think about it....
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