A
female
age
30-35,
*emi12
writes:My ex split up with me nearly 5months ago why am I still not over him! I want him back but he doesn't want to get back with me. I don't know what to do as I am still not over him. I think about him everyday and I am just so tempted to pick up the phone and call him but I know I can't. I have been on a date with someone else during these 5months and I'm just not interested all I think about is my ex. What shall I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 August 2013):
 Do not DATE til you feel you are over him, that is not fair on a guy.
Time will help. No contact will help too.
I want a lot of things in life, doesn't mean I GET them.. Same goes for you. HE doesn't want to get back together.. YOU will have to accept that even if you don't like it.
I would suggest you go out with friends, take up a hobby and stay away from dating til you feel more healed.
FYI with my first love, it took me a good 12 months before I could even date again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): You're singing my old song, sweetie!
Getting over someone isn't easy. If you think you feel bad now, let temptation make you contact him; and then tell me how you feel. No! Don't you dare do that to yourself.
I am personally in the forth month after being dumped. It will vary how long it takes to get over someone; by each individual, and according to your personality. Just as the reasons why you broke up vary.
However; the range and sequence of emotions are exactly the same. It's hell and the pain runs deep.
What makes getting over someone after a breakup so hard; is that they are rooted in our brain-chemistry.
When you became attracted to each other, your brain released the hormone dopamine.
When we fall in love, feel-good endorphins are released that give us a euphoria; which can eventually become like an addiction to a drug.
The hormone oxytocin plays a role in bonding with another person. So getting over someone isn't just walking away, it's similar to withdrawal from a drug.
You've been through,and you're going through, the full range of emotions. I know them all. Quite well, in fact.
You cry spontaneously. Spend nights staring at the ceiling and recalling every wonderful moment you've spent together. You want to hear his voice. You play back his old voice-mail messages, you read his old text-messages, and e-mails. You can't sleep or eat. Time to delete them.
You can't stand it when you hear a song that reminds you of him. You want to send him a text message to tell him how you feel. You want to have a talk and ask him why, why, why? Apologize for stuff. Feel his arms. Smell his cologne, or hear his heart-beat. You miss him like crazy.
You would reverse the process of healing by calling or trying to contact him. If he has been silent up to now, that is because he does not want to hear from you.
He does not want to deal with your emotionalizing or drama. He is getting over you. Truthfully, he has mostly gotten over you. He knows the hell you feel. It's no longer his problem; because you are no longer his girlfriend.
I'd bet the farm and my new car that, you're stalking his updates on Facebook. If you are. STOP!!! That's equivalent to self-mutilation. You're tearing your heart apart. You're feeding into your pain, and tearing open your wounds.
STOP IT!!! Take pause, and think about yourself.
Don't go near his friends or family. Get busy with your own life. It's about you now. Not him. Obsessing over him hasn't done you any good. Has it? Not one tiny bit!!!
All the words in the world will not make the pain go away. My words are only meant to comfort you and make you think.
I speak from a place of understanding and empathy. Because I've been there, and done that.
Let your emotions flow. That is what it takes to get through the process. You want to know, what can you do now to make this just go away!!!!????? It hurts so bad!
There is no instant cure. It's withdrawal. The knot in your stomach, your heart feels like it's shrinking and tightening into a little hard rock. You feel like you're going insane. You toss and turn all night. Have terrible dreams.
You want to call him or text him. That is because you need a fix. You're addicted to him. Fight it. It gets easier.
You hear all this stuff about the "no contact rule."
Like it's so damned easy. You feel like you want to jump out of your skin. You keep checking your damn messages wanting to hear from him. Every-time your screen lights up on the phone, you hope it's a message from him.
Your heart hits the floor when it's not. Sweetie, it will start to ease. When you allow it to. Keep fighting to survive.
You are still feeding into your pain; because you're struggling not to let go. In your mind, you're telling yourself he will come back someday. You're in denial and living on false-hope. That's wishful thinking.
You've put your life on hold, waiting.
Waiting for what?
Don't look at his pictures, get rid of his stuff, and don't check social media to keep up with him.
That is what crazy people do. They keep themselves in limbo. They can't move on and they're driving themselves to madness. They drunk-text, send nasty letters, talk trash, do evil things. It pushes them even further away, and justifies them for dumping you. They think you're crazy.
They would be right.
All this carrying on isn't bringing him back.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO COME BACK!!! You broke up for a reason.
It's no longer anyone's fault. There is nothing else to discuss. The old relationship lies dead in its grave.
It's over, and life has just begun a new chapter. You make your own closure. You are responsible for your own happiness. That was never in his hands. You lied to yourself if you thought so.
Give yourself a break. All this is wearing you down. You are agonizing over a non-existent relationship. Now you have to change your mindset. This will let you slowly recover from the addiction. You fight to be free.
You read all you can about recovery after a breakup. You meditate to distract your mind from ruminating and obsessing over his memory. Take a walk, run, scream.
Hula dance all over your apartment. Shimmy and shake your booty. Laugh and realize how young and free you are!
You pamper yourself to give yourself comfort in other ways.
You eat dark chocolate for the flavonal that will help with the depression. (It has to be a minimum 72% cocoa.) Avoid too much sugar, then you'll cry the blues about the weight-gain! Keep fit. Don't add a heart-attack on top of your heart-break. That could be fatal!
You work out and exercise; which creates endorphins to replace those attached to him. Read about healthy foods that help with depression. I found that they really work.
You will not move on until you make yourself do it. You're caught up in the "mind-tricks." They consume you with thoughts about him finding someone else. Torture you with worrying that he will forget you, or never really cared.
That is all a symptom of withdrawal.
It eases when you fight back. When you regain control of your own thoughts and who you are. You have focused far too much on that man. It is one of the reasons you drove him away. He was everything to you.
That is not healthy.
Insecurities make people cling to other people. They make people suspicious, jealous, possessive, and mean. People get tired of always trying to make you feel better about yourself. People get torn up trying to hang on to cheaters.
Maybe they are cheaters themselves; and can't seem to understand that it's hard to forgive a cheater. They still want to hang on; even if they're wearing their partner down.
Well, like it or not. It's over, and you move on; or end up in a straight-jacket, with eyes spiraling like pin-wheels.
You will get over this. You've got to reach deep inside and convince yourself it is time to love "you." Get to know yourself again. Keep yourself company. Work on fixing and tweaking your weaknesses.
Embrace being single. It's an insecurity if you can't.
Insecurity kills relationships. I hear from readers who say they feel better being in a relationship. That's exactly why they can't keep one. They smother other people to death with neediness. That's co-dependency.
You can survive without him. If you think you can't, that's another reason he had to leave you. That's too big of a responsibility to place on another person.
Your mother weaned you from the bottle, you cried for it. You were a child. You got over it. Now he is weaning you from an old relationship. You'll cry, but you will get over that too. You are now a woman.
Before you are ready for a new partner, love yourself again. This is what fate has set for you. You can't fight it. You are now a free and single woman again. You are young, and lots of life is ahead of you. The right man is waiting, but he can't be right; until you're right with yourself.
People aren't put in our lives just to love us, they're there to help us love ourselves.
It's a shared responsibility. Give and take.
That way, when or if, they move on; you are not totally love-deficient. You have a reserve to live on.
You should have family and friends to fill in the rest of that void. No man will every fill it all.
Okay. I took a lot of time to write this. I also wrote some articles; because this is a serious subject. It takes years for the weakest of us. The strong survive. Only the strong will love again. The weak will lose over and over; because they give up. They aren't smart enough to learn from their failure. They stupidly put all their eggs in one basket.
That's not you. You reached out for help. Here it is, my dear.
Take care of yourself. Be thankful that you're so young.
That helps more than you know.
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