A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and a male friend, whom i have known for a couple of years, both have been single, both want someone special but havent been able to find someone. So, we decided to have mutual sex, and on a regular basis. This is a agreed on sex relationship, one day he gets to choose what goes on and the next my turn! We both are very happy with this, the sex is awesome, and we are both stunned how good things are. We are very open and honest with what we want and need, its good. However, I am starting to fall for him! I never thought i would, but we have been closer as friends and see each other differently, at least thats what i feel, now my question. Should i tell him i am falling for him? #2 can he continue to have sex just for sex or could he fall for me? I was wondering on both, especially advice on a mans perspective. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Princesswaiting +, writes (22 May 2008):
I really enjoy all of you who replied! What a great insight on it all. I will keep ya posted on how this continues.....Bye!
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (17 May 2008):
 If this guy develops feelings for you he will do it because he develops feelings for you. We are not complicated enough to label every thing and not rigid enough to keep every thing in the spot where we keep that particular item. If he doesn't develope feelings it's not because you are stuck in the friend category and he will refuse to move you on principle. It will be because you aren't what he is looking for long term. Not really even that. All my long term relationships, if you had asked what I was looking for in a woman at the on set I would not have described the woman I ended up with at all. But once in, I couldn't imagine myself with anybody else. You can't make him fall in love with you any more then he can make himself not fall in love with you. It will happen or it won't. You will have unintended consequences and diminishing returns changing the rules in the middle of the game. If you want him to be attracted to you, be a magnet and just quietly draw him to you. But don't drag him to the party. Just make sure when he is considering his options you are at the top of the list. You are a woman. Its taken me 49 years to get as far as I have to figuring you guys out but I know you know what I am talking about. I don't know much but I know that us guys calling the shots is an illusion that you allow us to have so we feel some sense of self determination, but as far as who chooses who, we are like fish in a barrel. As far as your influence over him you are way up in the bully pulpit so there is no need to get greedy and blow it now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): A man getting sex already feels close to the woman, and what you have together, I'm sure he is feeling the same as you.
You both seem to be open and honest, so I'll assume you'll find a way to communicate to him your feelings.
Your situation isn't unusual. Both desperate for a partner, as friends, you both agree to help each other out. Dang, sounds like you both found the partners you were looking for.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (16 May 2008):
 Can a man have sex with a woman without developing an emotional attachment?
Not sure, but it is a noble goal and one any man would be proud to achieve! No strings sex. What a guy!
Eh, not exactly the response you were hoping for? Though, you asked for it, you got it.
He might care for you, he might not. He might still see you as nothing but a friend, he might even hate your guts. Sex does NOT make a difference. Go on how he behaves around you when you are not between the sheets.
If you are asking, "will he fall for me BECAUSE of the sex", then the answer is no. Doesn't mean he can't have fallen for you, but not because of the sex.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I agree with the last post. The thing is, you are probably already giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend because since you are falling for him, you can't help it! He's getting all this without having to reciprocate a commitment so there is no real incentive for him to commit to you in this type of situation. Men separate love and sex better than women do and that's why it's not good to get into these situations, I've never done it, because we tend to invest more of our emotions like you find yourself doing. It's a no win situation for you and now you are going to have to be willing to break it off if he doesn't want to change his level of investment towards you, see? You agreed to the terms and now want to change them because of "feelings" and guys aren't real receptive to this overall, that's just reality. I would take full responsibility for your feelings, not whine or complain or act hurt, and tell him because of your feelings that you will have to move on and stop this arrangement because at this time in your life you have decided you want a real relationship. Tell him that you are feeling this about him specifically. Don't put expectations on this guy or give him an ultimatum. Be honest and be prepared to walk. If he wants you and can't live without you, he'll come get you!
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A
female
reader, A Cappella + ♥, writes (16 May 2008):
 Well, I don't have a man's perspective, but I was in your place once a long time ago.
My FWB and I talked it out. We decided that we were wrong for each other (long term) and didn't want a romantic relationship. (Yes, I was falling for him, and he for me, but since he'd been my friend for 15 years I knew him well enough to know that we'd be miserable together "for real." He knew this too.)
So we ended the "with benefits" part of the friendship, and kept just the friendship. It's been another 12 years and we're still friends. We wouldn't have been if we'd tried for a different relationship.
So I guess I'm telling you that if this guy is your friend, you should be able to talk to him. Tell him honestly: "I know this was supposed to be only a FWB relationship, but I think I'm interested in more. How do you feel about that?" You have to be ready for both answers (yes, I want more, or no, I don't).
If the answer is no, I recommend some distance so that you can get your heart back. Continuing to sleep with him is the road to continue falling for him. You can save the friendship by giving it a break. I think you know what to do if the answer is yes...
Good luck hon. Let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, les + ♥, writes (16 May 2008):
I'm sorry, as a woman, you can't have sex as a man.
World history and years after years of countless psychological and biological research has shown that women naturally become emotionall attached to those they have sex with. Men dont get the same emotional attachement from sex.
You cant fight biology.
You could try to talk to him and see if he feels the same way about you, but he can have sex just to have sex and I'm sure most well will agree with me.
Seriously, dont do that to yourself. Your not man.
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