A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I recently went through a bad patch and it seems to have recurred.We had our first arguement, it was only a small thing, I was snappy with him and he ignored me for 5 days until I had had enough of wondering if it was over or not (jumping to conclusions as you do) and went rounf his house to confront him. All was sorted out although it left me feeling insecure, I have had ex's do that to me in the past and I can be a little insecure when things like that happen, I assume arguements/silent treatment means the end.So we struggled for a few weeks until things came to a head and a couple of weeks ago he confronted me and said I needed ot make more effort as he felt I didn;t want to be with him. I explained how I felt, about how being ignored made me feel insecure, and all seemed to be well for a few days.Now it's turned around and it feels like he's not making the effort, he texts once a day now and we hardly see each other, despite me making the effort. One night this week he even said he was going to come round to see me but didn't turn up, I didn't hear from him so I left it til midday the next day and called and he apologised and said he had fallen asleep - but I pointed out he could have let me know in the morning!One thing in his defence is that he's working long hours, up at 5am and home at 6pm, so I understand being tired and wanting early nights. But my point is that surely you can find 30 seconds in your day to text or call?I feel hurt that he said that I wasn't making the effort, and I have really tried to get over the hurt I felt over our arguement and move on, and now he's the one making zero effort.I've brought it up with him and he just replies that he's tired from work or doesn't get time to text or call during the day.Is this worth working at? When we are together, even since the arguement, it's brilliant, he's a loving and attentative boyfriend, it's just when I'm not with him it's pretty much zero contact :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've just had a long talk about our future and we have decided to remain friends, nothing more. You are right about the detaching part, I did feel like that and I told him that I look for a boyfriend who will ride out the bad times, and I don't think he is able to do that.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Successful couples know how to love and how to fight and how to recover. Each fight teaches a couple how they will treat each other in the future. Every couple has fights. Big and small. But you can learn things from each fight; where the boundaries are with each of you. What the triggers are for insecurities and mistrust issues. If you're fighting about the same things over and over and the outcome is always the same, then there's a true lack of respect going on the relationship. If you tell your b/f "I don't like it when you do this." and he keeps doing it, then he has no regard for you. Since he has become unresponsive, that too is a message. It says he's detaching at the first sign of trouble. That usually indicates the relationship didn't mean that much to him in the first place. He was just looking for a step off point and this fight was probably it. Do you really want to invest any more in a relationship that appears to be pretty weak in my opinion. Don't beat yourself up. It's good to know how non-compliant he really is before you invest too much of yourself in him.
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