A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi me and my husband are going to relate on thursday(he had cheated on me 3 times in 21 years of marriage)we want our marriage to work but i want to know the why's Can a person really change?By going to relate what can i expect do they really help or will we be wasting our money.How do i learn to trust again and belive what he is now saying to me? I would be grateful of any replies. THANK-YOU.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): The fact that you are going to relate is good, at least he wants to try. My husband won't go, we went just once before he met his online lover. After that he said he didn't think it would help. I am still trying to persuade him but no luck. We are still together but it has only been since Feb this year, so we have a long road of healing ahead of us. I struggle every day to not think about the other woman, but it haunts me every day. They say that you never forget, I can believe it. He has broken off with her now, he met her online about 6 months ago and decided to met with her. We talk about her and how he feels and why he took it this far. He said it started out just friendly chat and little by little he became emotionally attached to her. He said that she will just remain a friend in his mind. I have forbidden him any contact with her even just as a friend, which I feel he resents. I even tried to stop him chatting to anyone else, but realise that he cannot keep to this promise and we have agreed that he can as long as he never lets it get intimate again. I will never really know if he will do this again, he tells me he doesn't want to leave me, but that he felt bored with his life as it is, career wise, and the future as he sees it, he was just looking for a buzz and this woman made a connection with him, which got out of hand. He keeps saying that these chats are just a distraction, some people, gamble, drink, his is to escape in a fantasy world. Now that he met her, he said he didn't feel that excitement in his stomach that you feel when you first meet someone, yes she was pleasant and attractive and made him feel great, a great confidence booster and he said gave him an enormous ego boost.It appears that your husband wants to make it work and is willing to put the time and effort in. I wish you good luck from someone who knows what pain you are going through.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 May 2009):
 The only way that therapy will work is if you are open-minded and want it to work. If you go in with the attitude that "this is a waste of money" then you will get nothing out of it and you will be completely closed off to any help they may be able to give you.
Now I personally believe that therapy CAN work for everyone as long as you want it to. Relate are amazing for getting issues out into the open that you and your husband have probably been holding onto for years and years. But it takes time, and patience. You cannot go into your first session expecting miracles and that you will come out with a renewed love for each other.
Be prepared to put the time in and work at it, the therapist will be able to do wonders for you but only if you are 100% committed. If you are feeling that after 5 or so sessions that you have not really made a connection with your therapist and that you have not made any progress then dont give up - I suggest you ask to change therapists. The therapist will not be annoyed or upset - therapy is very personal and requires a relationship between the therapist and the clients. If this is not working then it is completely fine to change therapist - after all you are paying good money and it is your right to recieve the best advice possible.
You have made a great step by deciding to go to relate - if you really want your marriage to work then channel that same determination into wanting to make the therapy work. once the therapy is working for you then your marriage will start working again too. Just remember to keep an open mind and persevere - dont give up just because you felt you didnt get much out of one session. Some sessions will be more rewarding than others - this is just the nature of therapy.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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