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female
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anonymous
writes: If someone says to you ‘I’m not sure if I am in love with you or not’ at the beginning of a relationship, do you stay in the relationship hoping that one day they will or do you break up? I have been fighting back tears for most of today because I don’t know what to do about this. I (31 yrs) have been going out with my bf (8 yrs younger) for just 1 1/2 months. We were very close friends for 9 months before this. I have been helping him to try to get over his ex fiancee who he was with for 5 years. Well, I have wanted to be with him since the beginning of our friendship but because of his situation I kept my feelings to myself and let him do the chasing when he was ready and also to avoid us getting hurt. Even so, I was still very wary of becoming his gf. After alot of thought, 3 weeks later I said I would like to be his gf but only if we agreed to take it slow. He said that he only has sex as part of a long term relationship (despite having several gf’s, his ex fiancee is the only girl he has slept with).A few weeks ago, he said that he was very scared about starting a physical relationship with anyone else as he had only been with his ex. I accepted this but all the kisses and cuddles seemed to dry up after this too. I felt really confused because I started to think that he didn’t find me attractive.I aimed that we would not have sex for at least a year, but last night we wanted each other so bad that all our talk of waiting went straight out the window and we ended up having sex. Even though I wanted to do it, I now feel cheap and used because I did not establish beforehand how he felt about me. He was a really considerate lover, but halfway through he pulled out of me (he seemed to be struggling to maintain an erection). Afterwards he asked me if I liked him or was in love with him. I said I couldn’t answer that yet (I am in love with him) because I just have a feeling I was going to get hurt so I asked him the same question back. He said ‘I’m not sure if I am in love with you or not’. I was stunned because he told me several months ago that he thought he was falling for me and when we were in bed together I really felt like he loved me. I didn’t get upset and just said that I appreciated his honesty (which I do. However much it hurts I’d rather he be honest). Why did he ask me this question, guys, if he is not sure of his feelings for me????Well, the real heartbreaking bit for me is that he started talking about his ex-girlfriend saying that he worshipped the ground she walked on, he would have done literally anything for her and he gave his heart to her 110%. He just could not do enough for her. Yet she ended up lying and cheating on him and he is still trying to see her with the aim of being friends. He told me he was waiting outside her workplace and that he wanted to know what was going on with this new guy she was seeing. He says that he still feels very protective of her. He has constantly reassured me that he doesn’t want to go out with her ever again and yet he wants her to regret splitting up with him which suggests to me that he does have feelings for her. He told me that he himself does not understand why he still wants to be friends with a liar and a cheater. He’s told me several times that he is over her. Before we got together he said that he will never get over her and his next girlfriend would have to realise that but I figured that was because it was still raw for him. Yet, I am beginning to think he will never be over her. I just feel like I will never match up to this girl and I feel like I have been left with the remnants of his heart. I so wish I was this girl. At times he seems like an empty shell. I felt like this after my previous relationship ended so I want to be more understanding of him but it is so tough when I am ready to give my heart to him. I said that if he wanted to split up with me he should do it now but he says he doesn’t want to split up with me, yet his actions sometimes suggest to me that he isn’t as loving as he could be and I don’t know if that is because he is trying to test me. He said that all girls do is break your heart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): It probably came as a shock to him that she was lying and cheating on him, one minute they are together and the next he finds out this horrible thing. Maybe all he needs is more time, to talk about it more to get over it. id say its difficult for both of you, maybe talk about you and him more, and cool the relationship for a bit so that with a little space he might see things more clearly. dont push him because you dont want to push him away altogether.. He should know that if he ever got back with his ex it would mean a lot of trust and anger issues to deal with and if she's met someone else, someone that she would rather be with than him, then she's not the person for him. you sound like a loyal woman and you've practically been through his break up with him.... so for now maybe just be there for him as a friend and in time(Time is the greatest healer!) see how things go. I know you were friends for months so it must be frustrating for you. But if you really do love him then wait for him. You dont want to be a rebound (ive been there plenty).. just be careful with your heart and when he's ready to really move on, you'll be there for him and it will mean alot to him . Good luck xxx
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