A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my ex husband is crazy, that or his actions are making me wonder if I am!We have a 2 year old child. I've been open to lots of visits-encouraged it even, but he rarely takes the child. There is always an excuse.Most recently, he told me he can't take child more often because he "can't afford to". He makes more than double my annual salary, yet somehow, I can afford to keep him 95% of the month?I send him emails asking him what type of schedule he can adhere to, he emails back saying what I came up with is fine. However, it's been twice now when he's tried to skip visitation because he "forgot" or he "didn't realize it was his weekend, or whatever. How hard is it to remember-2nd and 4th weekend of every month?! Then he has the nerve to keep asking me to change my plans. Furthermore after he skipped a visit to hang out with his friends, he comes back and says "It's not like I forgot or didn't want to take our child, I just didn't know I was supposed to" I've tried multiple times to call him out on his behavior, but he always just blows me off and then tells me that he's a good father and to not talk about him like he's not.He's driving me mad! Is there anything I can do???
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 You can't force him to be a parent. The only thing you can force is your child support payments for your child.
he may step up as his child gets older. Perhaps he's not totally comfortable with visitation with a 2 year old...
I strongly suggest seeing an attorney to make sure all Child support is up to date and in place and if you have even a single concern that you won't get the proper amount, have it garnished out of his wages.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2013):
 I would go through a lawyer as well. Not try and set up visitation on your own.
My thoughts though, if he doesn't WANT to see them or make the effort why bother keep trying?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): Well if he is paying child support then it is possible that ie cannot afford much of anything else even if he does make twice what you do.As for forgetting visitation.it sounds like he just isn't interested in being involved in his child's life. He sees it as a chore and doesn't look forward to it. Not everyone is cut out to enjoy parenting and I am afraid you cannot force him to want to be a father when he doesn't. Just let it go. It doesn't help to force the issue. Maybe when he child is older and can do more fun thongs then you ex may be more interested in having a relationship with the kid. Until then if he doesn't want it then don't force him as that wont do anything good. Just make sure he pays child support. And similarly make sure that since you are doing 99% of the parenting that your ex understands this means you should get almost sole decision making power about everything to do with the child such as which school or daycare or activities your child is involved in. If he isn't involved then he doesn't get any say in these things in future. His choice. Another thing you could do is start the process on legally changing your child's last name to yours. Usually this will somehow make the father all of a sudden want to be involved so the child will keep his name. Pure ego at play here but again I think it only fair that if the child essentially has no father then why should he or she carry the name of the man who is choosing not to be there rather than the name of the parent who actually is raising him or her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): Is he paying maintenance? I assume so seeing as you don't mention it. He obviously only wants to be a father when it's convenient to him, sometimes and I know this seems wrong but when guys like him are paying for their kid they'll want their moneys worth.
OP I'd go speak to a lawyer, he's making every excuse possible not to see the kid, maybe it's time you went for full custody with only supervised visits or something.
I don't know the law in America but in Ireland we wouldn't bother chasing down someone to be a parent, we go to court and we get them to officially set dates he can see the kid, if he doesn't bother on those dates for whatever shit excuse, I'd personally go for full custody and remove his rights altogether.
Can't have a father who just comes in and out of a kids life when he feels like it or treats it like a chore. I don't know this guy but I'd seriously question what he's like when he actually has the child, maybe he just throws it in front of the TV and goes off and does his own thing.
OP have you spoken to his mother about this? Or his parents? Do his family see your child?
I'd send another email and tell him it's time to get lawyers involved and have the court appoint set visitation. You're not going to allow him to flake on his fatherly duties, he either steps up or he loses his rights. Again in Ireland we can do that. I'm not sure how it works in the US. We can even get the father to pay more maintenance if we can prove he's not stepping up physically, and if he repeatedly shirks taking the kid then the court can and will take his rights away.
It's all about stability here OP, you really cannot have that child grow up all excited to see their dad only to be let down time and again because he wasn't bothered. Better to have no dad than a person who continually crushes them. It's annoying for you, imagine how hurtful it would be to your kid, do you really want to have constantly explain that daddy does love them but this time he couldn't because...?
Time to get serious with him.
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