A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my partner have been together for almost two years, and while on the outside everything looks fine on the outside it truth its not.The problem comes down to intimacy, we have no sex life to speak of, and even if we are just lying there, alone, holding each other she comes up with any reason to get out of it. (Not feeling well, headaches, hungry, thirsty are the main ones)In public she is all over me, hugging and kissing, but giving her actions when alone i feel this is more of just marking me or trying to make herself feel good. I always have to watch what I say or do, and it’s hard to relax around her, as she has a habit of taking everything so personally and blowing it way out of proportionWe have talked about it to death, and every time I bring it up I’m made to feel like I’m pressuring her, or attacking her.The annoying part is I do love her; it would be far simpler if I didn’t. I believe that while sex is not all there is to a relationship, intimacy is a major part of any healthy one, yet it’s no fun and pointless if it’s one-sided So what, if anything can I do? Is she just using me to help a low self-esteem? Should I just keep waiting indefinitely? Or is this situation just unhealthy, and I should 'bite the bullet' and end it?
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I get very pleased when my husband is able to make out with me on the couch for 20 minutes, complete with rubbing and groping, and then continue with our day. I am glad that you and he realize that it is best to sometimes share romatic, intimate moments with your significant other, without it leading to a home run. It definitely makes me feel better about our relaitonship, and how he feels about me (as not just a sex object), when he does this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice (also as a side note, its interesting to see the male vs. the female perspective, as although I feel like what caringgay and bigron point of view, the logical part of me thinks it should take anonymous or sincerely yours :) )
not sure if i got her in a 'good mood' or what today, but we were able to talk about a lot without it getting out of hand or feel like attacks.
What sincerely yours said is more or less spot on with regards to her point of view. I explained today that it is not sex I’m wanting, but for her to relaxed enough to let herself want me. Although on paper it might seam like a small line, I think for her it was a bit of a shock, as she’s use to (from past relationships) the idea that kissing and foreplay are solely for the reason of sex rather than enjoyment in their own rights
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (22 June 2010):
That's a toughey.
She has low self-esteem... she's overly sensitive.. she doesn't like to have sex or do anything else...
My flags are pointing me in the direction that she's scared of sexual intercourse. I wouldn't know why of course, and I could be wrong, but that's really what I think.
What have you done with her in the past? Anything? How was it? Did she orgasm, or just pretend to? If you have done stuff, has she ever inititated it, or been outgoing in bed? Because if not, I'd say her insecurity has carried over and overflowed into her ability at a sex life. I think that most ofo the time, when people are insecure, they don't want to be fully nude, they don't want to be touched and looked at and when it comes to their performance in bed, they feel like failures.. and they feel like they're being graded.
I wouldn't say she's using you. I'd say that she wants to hug and kiss you and be affectionate, but the only place she feels like she can do it, is in public, because it can't lead to anything else.
You probably don't, but be sure not to ask for sex, etc. everytime you're lyeing together. You don't want to make her feel pressured. I'm sure you don't actually pressure or attack her, but when a person feels isecure or cornered, they tend to get defensive and offensive.
Make sure she knows you are attracted to her. I mean KNOWS, now sometimes thinks you might be. And every now and then, maybe you can do something sexual just for her, making it clear you don't expect anything in return. As your lyeing with her, groping her and what not, tell her everything about her that you admiring.. face, hair, boobs, stomach, etc. and give her a mini confidence boost while you're trying to gear her up.
And make sure you know what you're doing so that when she finally lets you in, you can make it freaking awesome.
ooo I hope I'm on the right track here otherwise this is quite a waste of words :(
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 June 2010):
This just won't work. She's not really talking about it and giving too many excuses. She can't expect you to sit around waiting forever. You shouldn't have to be on edge all the time when you're around her. It just seems to me like you're her comfort blanket and nothing else. So I think you need to try one more time and tell her straight that you are considering leaving if nothing changes. If she just has a go at you, or won't listen, then you'll know that this girl isn't interested in working it and you'll need to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Although it sounds like you've already done this, ask her if there is something wrong that she isn't telling you. If she just blows you off again then it might be best just to end the relationship. If it's all on your side then it might be healthier for you to end it.
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