A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, first a bit of background to this. I met my gf earlier this year. We hit it off straight away and fell in love quite quickly. We have just moved in together (about a month ago) and eveything has been going fantastically well.She stayed round her family's house on Friday and on Saturday, I receieved an unexpected text where she said she had taken some clothes and was staying at her mums for a few days as she "hasnt been happy", needed some space and would speak to me in a few days. It's been a few days and she keeps saying that she will contact me "2morro". I dont mind her needing some space, but i do think that she has treated me unfairly by just txting me randomly and not wanting to talk about it first.
View related questions:
fell in love, moved in, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 No. It was done in a manner you did not like and felt powerless. Even if it was done in face-you would not accept it.
You got an answer. As tough as it is-closure happened. It was just not the way you wanted.
Time will pass and the sting of this disappointment will fade.
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Well - i know it is horrible for you right now. So sorry you had to hear about it this way. And you are right in saying it was cowardly of her to do it by text.
At least now you have your answer. It is always better to know. Good luck. Mail me if you want to chat.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. well she's just text me. and i quote...hi sorry dont think its a good idea that we meet just yet. ive done a lot more thinking since talking 2 u last night. I feel that it wont work out. things might change 4 a while then they'll go back 2 how they r now. so thought it would be best 4 me 2 get my things, so i have been 2 the house 2 collect them. I will email u later.I cant believe it! How cowardly that she's done it by text!! After I begged her that if we're over, dont do it on the phone!If she's taken all her stuff I'm pretty much shafted. everything in the house was hers...... :(
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (8 November 2007):
Good luck!!!
If you guys really love each other, you can make this work...
Let us know how it goes. I'll think of you...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFinally spoke to her on the phone last night. We got a few things to sort out, but at least I now know wot they are! Feeling a lot better now and actually got a good nights sleep :)Going to meet her tonight so fingers crossed.... :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again. Now 8:36am, not had much sleep again. I've decided to text her this morning with the following;
ok, i dont no wots going on & its hard 4 me 2 accept not knowing but i have given u space u wanted. However i cannot wait 4ever babe. I need 2 talk 2day. If we're over, or if we're not but u cant live me now, or if ur jst going 2 tell me why u r not happy & we work on it like a normal couple, i jst need 2 no. I have written u a letter saying how i feel. Do u want me 2 email it so u can read b4 we meet 2day? Luvs ya 4ever xx
I hate text's but I know its the only way she'll listen to me at the moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (7 November 2007):
Most adult relationships that are based on trust, honesty, and communication will have both partners being invovled in decision making as well as being there in time of need.
She made a commitment to talk to you at 6PM and did not keep it. That isn't honest by any means. Embarassment is just a word to hide behind and is closely related to pride.
Pride is often the stumbling block that prevents happiness and peace.
You are being played with and it is highly unfair to you to keep you strung along.
Even if she was of the thought she is testing your love-she is void of it herself. No one in love with another would seek to cause them discomfort, pain, confusion.
This is a means to control.
Give her until Friday and keep your promise to yourself.
You deserve more than this game playing-it's a waste of your time and energy that could be spent on someone who is aware how much your love and energy is a blessing to them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey Fade878, thanks for getting back again. Your comments make a lot more sence now thank you.
She said yesterday that she would speak to me today. I left it till 6pm (GMT) and asked if she was ready to talk. She replied an hour later that she was not. She would "maybe talk to me 2moro"....
This is driving me insane! I havent now spoken to her since Friday evening and still have no idea whats going on. For all I know the relationship is over (even tho I dont want it to be) or it could just be something trivial. I just dont know!
Its now 1:55am Wednesday morning here and I am soooo tired thru lack of sleep about this but cannot get to sleep as its just going round and round in my head!
Altho, I think I may text her something along the lines of what Fade878 has said at the bottom of her latest post. I think perhaps I should say that I will give her till the end of the week and if there is still nothing it is clear that its not going to work. I'm just worried that its something to do with a medical condition that she has and she is embarrassed or something like that is affecting what she is thinking.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (6 November 2007):
Hey sorry about misreading the time frame. Now that I have rested, I see it was six months of successful dating and one month after...this new and surprising, unexpected behaviour. Ouch.
Soz about the misunderstanding.
She doesn't sound happy, may be a bit prideful, may have not had so great relationships which is causing her to carry it over into this one.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. Especially withholding information. It shows lack of maturity ( that word is so inappropriate at times) or adult responsibility.
Communciation skills are not fairing well which is causing you heartache.
You have the right idea.
If she can't involve you and give you the courtesy of saying...I am struggling with something and need a week.
You could say I don't know what is going on, and it's hard for me to just accept not knowing but I will give you space for the next x days. If you are still not forthcoming I will have to believe this relationship will go nowhere. And I cannot wait forever with no consideration, it just doesn't work that way babe.
It's reasonable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont quite know where Fade878's comments come from. I never said any of those things! Granted, from time of falling in love to moving in, it has only been 6 months. But not 1 month! Not even I'm that hasty!! :) And too suggest abuse?!?!? wtf?!? I'm almost offended at that, unless you are implying that she is the abusive one? Even so, that's a tad extreme.
Still, 6 months after love may have been too soon, but that isn't the question here. As said (and also thanks for the comments by you other guys to reaffirm this in my own head) she should have her own space if she wants it. The question is one of the way she has informed me that she needs this space.
A Cappella, I can go to where she is, but I'm not sure I want to, at least not yet. I want her to have space, if that is what she wants. Altho, you are right that we need to talk about this, but at the moment she doesnt want to. I have txted her again but she insists that she will only speak when she is ready, maybe tomorrow.
I have half accepted that this relationship is over. Either by her means, or by me not being sure that I want to be with someone who cant communicate with me, in a mature manner.
Either way, many thanks for the responses. I actually feel a lot better now and I will let you know how it turns out :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Fade878 - er, what?! I think you're missing the point completely."You moved in with one another a month after meeting?" - the guy said he moved in a month ago, not a month after meeting"."You hit it off as if you knew one another?" - the guy said they hit it off quickly.And who said the relationship was abusive? Seems to me you should read what the poor guy has to say properly before giving such rash responses.Now to the actual problem: Mate, I would have to say that you need to perhaps go over there and talk this out face to face at her family's house if necessary. Prepare yourself for the fact that it could well already be over in her mind. Maybe not, but it is a possibility. It was very immature of her to do such a thing to you by text. You should explain to her that a healthy relationship envolves discussing these things openly. If you do that, then you will have the truth. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (5 November 2007):
You are correct in saying that your girlfriend is not treating you fairly. An explanation would help - i know. If my experience (or personality) is anything to go by, then you need to respect her space.
Contact her one more time, and tell her that you love her, want to be with her (and whatever else you want), and then say that you will now grant her the space that she requests, but she needs to explain to you what is happening at some point.
Then you sit back, and wait. Give yourself a time-line, and keep to it.
If you decide that you will give her another week, then do so, but after that - accept that something is wrong, and confront her. (Maybe face to face - if you know where her parents are)
She might not understand what is happening to her, or even know why she's unhappy. Maybe it is not you. Maybe she needs to sort out some personal issues? Either way - you need to allow her the space to figure it out.
If you guys are meant to be, it will work out.
When initially moving in together, there are bound to be some "issues" to resolve. Maybe she doesn't know how to take these issues up with you. I moved in with my bf a couple of months ago - and the first month was great, but then the "issues" came. It almost caused a split, but we are working through it, because we love each other. It has taken change from both of us, but it is working out now.
Good luck - and just be patient...
...............................
A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (5 November 2007):
Egads.
You moved in with one another a month after meeting? You hit it off as if you knew one another?
From this and that she is now taking time away...it indicates to me that the both of you, have established patterns of emotional dependancy and abusive traits.
Most abusive relationships begin with a higher than usual connection, and recognition. You are recognizing a fellow individual who shares the sames insecurities, fear, and possible emotional abuse history that occured in past relationships or in your childhood home life.
You now possibly feel abandoned, hurt, and confused.
Have you felt and experienced any of this before?
Regardless of what others may say, reading psychology books on abusive relationships and indicators...you seem to list alot of them in this one post.
Do you have a history of choosing emotionally unavailable women? Do have a history of professing love quicker than the average adult relationship? Do you have a history of relationships that fail and may be explosive ?
It is not a healthy and respectable adult that knows how to communicate let alone function at a level where communication is occuring that would be doing what she is doing.
It is unfair to withhold affection, presence, information. It is an indicator of emotional abuse.
Unexplained absences that create more distress, neediness, confusion in a partner is emotional abuse.
Empty promises, no real information to work with, no reassurance, no comfort-elusiveness is emotional abuse.
So why do you love and think you need her? Is this how healthy adults show love and communicate?
Does a healthy adult partner want to cause their partner pain?
NO.
Have you ever thought to seek counselling to stop falling for such partners? Why do you choose them? Do you like feeling lost, hurt, confused, off balanced, needy, desperate? Are you currently happy, at peace?
Counselling would be a good place to start to avoid future instances such as this.
...............................
A
female
reader, A Cappella  + ♥, writes (5 November 2007):
 I agree that she's treating you unfairly. She can't expect you to read her mind -- if she's been unhappy and she hasn't told you that she's been unhappy (or how you can help you fix it) then her expectations aren't realistic.Can you GO to where she is? The two of you need to talk, badly, and she's going to "space" herself right out of your flat if you're not careful.
...............................
|
