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*lue_angel
writes: Need some opinions...trying to decide if I should move on or hang on... My ex-husband and I got married about 10 years ago when I found out I was pregnant. We were not in love, but felt a strong commitment to our child. We did fall in love and he was my best friend and I was his. We had another child three years later. Only problem, he wanted to be out of the house all the time while I took care of the house and kids (which I did put before his needs). I felt like all he did was complain and not help. He was unhappy and drank too much too often and a few times this caused him to push me down or pull my hair. Then the last time he choked me. I took the kids and ran. He came and picked me up at the local motel in the middle of the night, apologizing (of course) and I went with him. All I wanted was for us to be a normal family. But things didn't get better so I asked him to leave, which he did. This was almost 3 years ago, but he only lives a few miles away and he always acts like he's on the verge of coming back. I filed for divorce and then let it sit until my lawyer told me that I either had to drop it or go forward, I couldn't wait any longer to decide. So, right after he, I and the boys got back from vacation at Disney World, I went down and made the divorce final. It was like nothing had changed. He is still around and I'm not sure if we are doing the right thing. This certainly isn't what I would consider normal, but somehow it seems to work. Is this strange relationship going to hurt my kids? I don't want to lose him and I do love him, but I'm scared to live with him also. I don't want to be miserable again. Thanks for helping if you have any advice.
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reader, blue_angel +, writes (15 June 2005):
Thank you all so much for your replies. And no, I'm not scared of him at all. As long as he’s sober, he's a great friend and companion and a good father. Since we separated I haven't seen him drink excessively. He did go to a therapist for a short time and it did seem to help. He helps me with the boys a great deal now that we're living apart. I've just been concerned about the kids, but like I said it seems to work for us and we are remaining close because we both love our children and want them to be happy. Sometimes I think I would like to move on and meet someone else, but all of your opinions have helped me to realize that I am doing the right thing. They are growing up with both parents very involved. And I can take advantage this help that I'm getting by taking a few more college classes. So, that's my new plan. Thanks again! KK
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2005): your relationship is not strange. Continuing to live in an abusive relationship would be a terrible influence on your childrens lives. Well done for moving on and well done for mananging to maintain the best type of family unit you can - you are simply seperated parents who actually manage to keep a relationship for the children which is more than most can manage - keep it that way, you deserve a medal for keeping strong - he is not on the verge of coming back because that would not be the right thing for you.Are you scared of him at all? because it is different if you feel you are living under the threat if him returning.Good Luck
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reader, Wendyg  +, writes (13 June 2005):
 I dont see that it will harm the children, they will need to have input from both parents as they grow up. If you live apart, that not strange this day and age. If you can keep thigns positive when the children are around then there shouldnt be a problem.. The main thing is you are both part of the childrens lives, and so longs they know they have the support of their parents, thats all they will need. So long as the children come first and they know they can count on their parents, there shouldt be a problem. At least you are able to talk to your ex civilally this makes it all the better for you and your children.. Try not to worry about it too much, so longs you all get along and the children are happy then things will be fine.Take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2005): What you must do is put your kids first, which seems like something you are taking steps to do. If you and their father can't have a healthy relationship (i.e. no abuse), than it is absolutely the correct move to end the marriage and live seperately. This said, they will need their father's presence in their lives, and the fact that you can be amicable is good. However, if things have not changed since the divorce, then it is up to you to decide what changes need to be made and do it. You and your lawyer need to set up visitation times and figure out custody concerns. If he lives very close, maybe set up a clause that will prohibit him from coming around outside of visitation hours or when he is taking the boys for his time with them. Make any transfers on neutral ground and make sure you take time to start a life outside of him. make friends he has never met and don't know you as a married couple, start a hobby that is relaxing for you and that is flexible, alowing you to be away from the area while the kids are with their father. You seem to be making all the right decisins, but be sure that no one ends up anused. Divorce is not an easy thing and it is inevitable that the kids will feel the effects. Make sure you stay close to them and don't pit them against their father and if you two are friends, make sure he does the same. Good luck, and make sure your kids are safe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2005): Only keep in touch with your ex-husband for the sake of the children. Perhaps go out with some friends and meet someone new. This will make your ex know that it is over between you.
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