A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a friendship dilemma and don't know what to do for the best on it. I'll explain, basically I'm friends with a female at work, she's kind natured and tries to make the time for me when she isn't busy or hasn't got things on.The other day she told me she was going away for sevens months to do a project abroad and to help the disadvantaged. While I'm happy she is trying to make a difference and to help others who can't help themselves.I'm worried she will forget about me, won't talk to me again, online or in person if I see her, and can sense it will happen, and it upsets me thinking about it.When I spoke to her on he last day at work, I didn't tell her properly how I felt and I regret not doing so, because I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and come across as weak.I don't remotely love this person, but I do like and care about her as a friend and feel ive lost her already.What should I do? Help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): I see what you mean now, I like this site because it's useful and you can ask people and tell them your problems no matter how big or small they are.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): Sorry about this, my internet was playing up last night and i didnt realise the same post was on today until i checked. Please show kindness and respect towards me, i dont treat you all any differently. Im here for advice not to be verbally attacked.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): modnote- OP means the ''original poster'' = the person who asked the question....................Whats op mean?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2016):
 Poor OP :) he is getting rapped on his knuckles for posting the same question 3 times... but he is not doing anything different from other repeat posters ,some of whom posted,and are posting, the same question, every now and then, even 10, 20 times !
I don't want anybody accusing the Aunts to treat better female posters than males:) so I'll answer again.
I suspect that what you ,OP, would like to hear from us are words of reassurance : oh don't worry, dear, she will not forget you, you are still best friends .
If we said that we would be dishonest and condescending, because we simply don't know. We don't know , plus, if we have to guess , it does not sounds too probable, considering that she is going to be abroad, very busy on her project and very focused on other stuff than social contacts.
What we can say is that , although you deny any romantic attachment, you are nonetheless in anxious attachment mode. You are making this person ( who, let's face it, is NOT your best friend, she is a nice person at work, and at work only, that gives you some time and attention when she's got some to spare ) the only or main responsible for your wellbeing and peace of mind. You have to watch out OP- you should consciously contrast this inclination of yours. It' BS that we just feel what we feel and we have no control over our emotions. We DO have a measure of control, insofar we can choose at least to not indulge or fuel certain states of mind, and to read our emotion to the light of our rational thought.
Which should tell you :
- this great friendship might be a bit unilateral, meaning that it counts way more for you than for her . So, strictly speaking, is not even a true friendship, more like a not totally healthy attachment of yours. For which you can't make her responsible. You can't sort of pull her sleeve to make her love you ( in a friendly sense ) as much as you love her. It's ineffective, and also unfair to her. She never encouraged you to think that your relationship is " thicker " or more meaningful than a pleasant work relationship, in fact she has been pulling back, lately, and this , I suspect, is a clear sign that you are making excessive emotional demands on her .
- it is normal to miss the persons whom we like and that are not around anymore, it sucks but it is something we have to come to terms with. We cannot and should not allow that the absence of one person voids our whle life of any joy, satisfaction, meaning and purpose. You are acting as if the occasional email with this ex colleague is the highlight of your whole life and as if there's nothing and nobody else that could give you the same comfort and satisfaction.
You need to watch out that too, OP. This is not friendship, or caring for somebody, that's emotional addiction. It's a bit like when a chain smoker quits smoking, for a good while they think that nothing else ever can give the same gratification, the same comfort, the same pleasure, nothing else matters BUT their deprivation. That's obviously untrue- it's their addiction talking. There's something called emotional- affective addiction too, OP, and you 'b smart to fight it if you have it- or to fight to not develop it.
- In any case, it's only seven months, OP. Seven months , and she'll be back. You are acting as if she were emigrating forever for parts unknown. Good friends CAN stay apart for a few months and then pick up just from they were .
- And what if she does not pick up right from where you were ? What if she usue this trip ( I guess this is what you fear and suspect ? ) as an excuse to distance herself from you and cut you off ?...
Well, in this case, OP, it would obviously suck and you'd be hurt about it, naturally- but it would tell you something : that you are her friend- but she is not yours. That you are open to give her a big , big space in your heart and life, and she does not want to give you ANY.
So, as shocking as this may be at first, think, though : what's the point oof an unilateral friendship ? Of a friendshi you need to beg for, contrive for, plead for, insist for ? ... That's not friendship OP, that would be charity, and you are not a charity chase.
You are just a young an who feels a bit down and lonely, but... she is not the only person in this world that cam help you out of your loneliness. We are seven billions on this planet , OP, there must be someone else beside this girl whom you can connect with at friendship level. She is important to you right now,OK - but do not make her a fetish or an object of cult .
For all the above reasons, no, let her be, don't say anything, don't pour on her the flood of your feelings. If she cares , she woud nevertheless feel pressured and emotionally blackmailed into keeping in touch and entertaining and reassuring you while instead she has so many other things and committments in her mind- and that would be very selfish and indelicate of you.
And if she does not care, she will think , and maybe say ! " Ok, so that's what you feel. And ?... You are telling me because ?.... Am I supposed to care ? ".
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (5 June 2016):
 I recommend that you not burden her with this. Especially when it's something you can't control and don't even know for certain it will happen.
All that will come of such a discussion is your friendship will become a chore, something she has to work to maintain and something that threatens to hold her back.
If you don't want her to forget about you, then be a fun, easy going person she'll miss and WANT to keep in touch with.
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