A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I know we've got dozens of posts on the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater"I have always believed this before but now I am trying to open my eyes again to see if I might be wrong. Ok, so here goes my story. My current boyfriend used to be an online chatbuddy of mine. I never dreamed of dating him neither did he. So I got all info about who he is dating etc. And for a while before, he was only sleeping around with around 7 girls. That was what he was bragging to me about and advised me to just forget about my ex and just enjoy life and my sexuality. However, he told me he was doing this coz he decided that the world is not fair and that the one girl he loved just dumped him for another guy. So he does not want to fall in love again, just sleep around.Long story short, I advised him to exclusively date one girl after so many debates about relationship and sex. So he did just that and chose one among the "friends" he most liked and had somehow feelings for. This he did and I distanced myself as he is already in a relationship. The thing is after a month, he stalked me to where I was with my friends and I was forced to speak to him and invite him to my group. From then on he kept on seeing me. I admit I had fault that I was not able to resist him and that I knew this would hurt his gf. But he told me he is in love with me. I told him to break up with his gf first and get an STD test.He did all of this. In short he followed my demands and so I accepted him. He broke up with his gf and we became official. But I will have to agree that he emotionally cheated on her with me and until now I still feel guilty.So the question now is, sometimes I have this fear he will cheat on me. So far, as we are already 1.5 years as a couple, he has been a very sweet loving bf. He deactivated his dating accounts. I see his phone whenever I want to and he leaves them anywhere and sometimes i read his texts for him. He has a boring life now to be honest as we are together daily. I asked him if he missed the clubs and he said, he is passed that stage and now he is a different person. He stopped drinking and would go out only if his friends would pick him up for card games. I teased him about the women he used to see before and he told me that was his old life. I am the only person for his eyes now.I don't know, should I be afraid that one day he might cheat or am I just looking for something that is not there at all?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (4 September 2011):
"once a cheater always a cheater" is a myth that in its simplicity fails utterly to account for the complexity of the human being.People grow, change, and evolve. Do cheaters often repeat the habit? perhaps. We surely hear the anecdotes from the nightmarishly selfish and destructive ones that do. That is where the saying comes from.However, I would bet that for every one of those horror stories we hear about the serial cheat, there's probably 5 untold stories about the one time cheat who regrets so strongly that it would never happen again.Even if that's not the case immediately, like I said, people grow, change, and evolve.In your specific situation, I agree with the other aunts. Your worries are a liitle out of proportion and premature. Not wildly so, but a little. Were I you, I would find a way to communicate your feelings to him, but in a non accusatory manner. Tell him you need his comfort and his help.
A
male
reader, IAmNumber7  +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hi. Great post and question. I don’t want to sound biased but you have to give every person a chance or maybe another chance because people are all created fragile. We all commit mistakes as we go along in life. But despite those mistakes, we, men -- gradually become mature and learn to cope with these situations. Although of course I have to admit, girls become mature early than men. The journey to maturity is long and as a man tackles this path, there will be obstacles, adjustments should be made and we automatically do that. A man will always be a man no matter what. I’m not siding with our genders but sometime “sh*t happens”. I believe what your BF is saying as I have somewhat a similar experience. My advice to you now, since you are at 1.5 years as a couple together (that’s pretty strong) are – take some time to be apart. I mean do things with friends without him with you around. At “first” we men love our GFs sticking around like forever. But sooner or later, we may be needing “space”. Men need this more than women. I guess you know what I mean? The result of this “space” is to make us miss you girls if you are not around and realize what would be our lives without you. :DHope this helps. Regards.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): I don't see this man as a cheat really, he just followed his heart,finished with his g/f and then dated you.A lot of men go for no strings fun after a bad break-up,he did, got it out of his system and now dates you exclusively.I wouldn't waste time doubting him just enjoy the fact you have a loyal sweet b/f
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A
female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (4 September 2011):
Well i think if he did all that for you then it's doubtful he's going to cheat on you. In his defense, he probably didn't break up with his gf right a way because he was afraid you wouldn't accept him. I mean seeing how he did go through a heartbreak earlier, it's likely that he has trouble letting go. So in this case, why let go of a little something for nothing. He was most likely trying to ensure himself a little bit of love rather it was with her or you. Fortunately for him, you did accept him so he was able to let go of her. I dont think you have anything to worry about, besides worrying gets you nowhere in life. Why waste your time worrying on something that may never even happen and even if it does, how is worrying going to help the situation. I think you should let it go and just focus on making your relationship last because it's not ever going to get any better if you still have doubts. In order for a relationship to work it needs your undivided attention.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): You will never know until the day you part,if you dont part then he didnt. Can be a very long wait if youre naturaly suspicious and he doesnt give any cause. Looking for something not there? Does that include trust too? Was he using the internet to screw vulnerable birds? I would guess theres a 50 50 balance on either of you cheating. You may get fed up of being ms goody knickers and decide youre bored? He has got things to worry about too then? For now if you have nothing better to go off then forget it and enjoy your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Well I don't think you should be worried about him cheating on you if he did all your requests. In his defense, he probably didn't break up with his gf right away because he wasn't sure if you would accept him. On the other hand, I do believe in the phrase "You never truly know anybody" I'm not sure if it's a legit saying but its my philosophy. I mean it can be confusing but I think you should trust him but if he ever did cheat on you just remember that saying and it will take some of the shock away. In conclusion, I think you need to push all your worries aside and just focus on making your relationship last. It can't get any better if you're still having doubts.
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