A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister is 29 and just became an anesthesiologist She makes about 100k and her husband makes 150k as an accountant. They both make pretty good money and live pretty well. My sisters husband Chris has Always had a hard time fitting into our family epically with my father. My father always critizes Chris about not being doctors like me, my sister and brother. Chris is very smart, incredibly kind and extremely funny. He's going to be a great dad and nice husband. Also Chris is white and my sibling and I are black and hispanic so there is a cultural difference. Also we grew up upper middle class while he grew up lower middle class so there are still sme differences. Recently Chris wanted to move to California and my sister agreed she confided in me that she really didn't Want to leave (we live on the east coast) but Chris really wanted a change so my sister went along with it. A few weeks later Chris woke and told my sister that he wants to become a highschool gym teacher. My sister was shocked but again she went along with it and he is now a teacher and he coaches girls soccer, boys basketball and boys lacrosse. My sister thought that Chris should change his mind and become an accountant but it's been 2 years and he is very happy. My sister doesn't eant to damper his happiness but they've had to sell 2 of their condos and her husband has traded in his Mercedes for a Chevy. My sister is starting to worry that her kids won't have what we had as children since money is getting tightgher. They still live pretty nice but my sister is also vey self conscious about her making more than her husband. She never thought he would feel this way and hates it. My sister wanted to be a stay at home my mom for when she has children but with her husband making 50k a year how can he support a family. My sister has always talked having at least 3. She also hates how girls try to add her husband on fb and will flirt with him at games. My sisters feeling the pressure of being the breadwinner and is making her stressed. There is no way they can continue their lifestyle if they have children and he remains a teacher. My sister paid most of her way through college by herself without help and worked her a$$ off to get good grades so she could enjoy the nice life and have a wonderful profession. She loves her husband but she does want a certain lifestyle. What should she do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for answering I have showed my sister all of your answers and now have made made a plan and are following it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): That's a tough one. There are different ways of looking at this.
Money are very important, there is no question about it. But, i know what it is to hate your job. Your sisters situation definitely is not the most comfortable, but it's life. It's really up to her now what she wants to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): in the end what does she love more - her husband, or the lifestyle?that's really what it comes down to. If she truly loves him she wont' care about the lifestyle, she will have the attitude that "I can live anywhere as long as it's with you"if she values her materialistic lifestyle more than her husband then she should leave him and find a new husband who shares her more materialistic views. otherwise she will live the rest of her life stewing in resentment at him or eventually 'force' him to give up the job he loves and back into the career he hates. In that situation, no matter which way it goes - whether he stays in teaching or goes back into accounting - one of the spouses wins and the other loses. That's not a good foundation for a marriage.it sounds like they may be very fundamentally incompatible in their outlook on life, to me this spells trouble ahead....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): OK so he's making $50K/ year now, but she's still making $100K so surely their combined $150K /yr is enough to have a family?? Most people I know raise families on far less than that. it is not necessary to have a mercedes to have a family."My sister wanted to be a stay at home my mom for when she has children but with her husband making 50k a year how can he support a family."Did her husband agree that he should be the sole breadwinner of the family AND provide her with the upscale lifestyle she has in mind, or is that just her plan? I doubt the husband would have decided to change his career if he had personally bought into the idea of becoming the sole maintainer of the upper middle class lifestyle.Personally I think your sister needs to realize that things have changed and she needs to adapt. With their combined $150K/yr they are not in poverty by any means, that's way more money than what most families will ever see. It's certainly not holding her back from starting a family. So what if she can't be stay at home - most women cannot afford that luxury either, it's not the end of the world. Learn to adapt to reality.I applaud her husband for becoming less materialistic and following his heart to go into a noble and undervalued profession that benefits society even though it means trading the mercedes for a chevyIf your sister sees her husband not as her life partner to work in cooperation with but as her resource provider for the life SHE wants, then she married the wrong man because he obviously sees his calling in life to be a teacher, not to be her sole financial provider.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 I agree; it's the sister's decision. Apparently she is fine with what is going on.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 July 2012):
 To answer your question, your sisters marriage is in trouble if she continues to act hurt that her husband switched to a career that he likes better and because he switched his Mercedes for a chevy. Big effing deal. It's a car.
I highly doubt she went through 10-12 years of schooling to become a stay at home mom. Choosing to be a doctor doesn't give you the option to be a stay at home mom.
Men don't have to be the breadwinners anymore. If he, the man and husband, isn't bothered by her making more, really, why is she so bothered? It shouldn't bother her, it should make her feel empowered!
I get the impression you and your sister value money and materialistic things too much- is it really a big deal that they sold 2 condos? They have a roof above their heads, right?
Together they are making 150k a year, and believe it or not, a couple can live very comfortably with that. You say she wants a certain lifestyle, but in the end, money doesn't buy you happiness. She seems to have a sweet husband, and she runs the risk of losing him and not realizing what shes got until it's gone.
I know you're asking "what should she do?" and ultimately it's going to be her decision. She has to decide what is more important to her- a certain lifestyle or her marriage. It's HER decision, not yours, not your dad's, her friends, no one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): Your sister and her husband need to seek out a highly rated and licensed marriage counselor. They seem to have issues with communication and probably need assistance from a 3rd party to work through this and decide whether they are satisfied with their marriage, what they feel must be changed in order to be satisfied with their marriage, or whether their outlook on the future has changed in such a way that they would be better off amicably separating or divorcing and pursuing their interests and seperate lives.
About high school girls flirting with Coach husband: that is what high school girls do when they find a male instructor attractive and personable. They may have a difficult home situation and look up to him as a male role model. He, as the adult, should neither be returning the flirtatous advances, nor adding any of them to friends lists on social networking sites. Most schools and school districts have begun to implement a 'zero tolerance' policy to employee/student 'friendships' on social networking sites.
Please encourage your sister to go to marriage counseling. $50,000/year is not enough money to comfortably raise a family in california. Other states, a coach would make significantly less. If children are definately in their future, perhaps she could consider working part time as an anestheologist for maybe a private practice (plastic surgeon, or oral surgeon), and her husband could use his accounting skills to pick up additional work for private citizens and small businesses doing things like tax returns and balancing finances.
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