A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my partner is a sex addict. I cant be sure but having read online articles I am finding alot of matching information that match his habits. I'll give you a run down.My partner likes to masturbate at least ten times a week. His sex drive cannot be sated. We will have sex and then two hours later he's ready to go again. His sexual habits worry me because its feeling like its more about sex and getting a hit and there isn't any emotion at all. Sometimes we have sex he won't start hard but will be determined to finish and I can tell he gets frustrated when he can't get it up because he then proceeds to masturbate to porn in front of me and he will ejaculate to that but not by looking at me.Regular sex is off the table, if im not dressed up and caked in makeup he's not interested. He doesn't want to just have standard naked sex missionary kissing and touching and loving. He will get irrationally angry if I suggest it. If I say no he has a mini break down. Another thing I've noticed is the sex always has to be planned and spoken about before hand its never spontaneous. Alot of the time he talks about sex and what he wants to do and its always at inappropriate times.I dont know what to do, his habits are becoming a problem, I dread hearing the word sex because its just another conversation about his wants.He has so many files on his computer of dirty porn and he doesn't hide it.Is he a sex addict? What can I do to approach this? Without hurting him? it is ruining our relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): I understand that you may LOVE him OP and this is the reason you have put up with him for as long as you have. It is also the reason you have allowed him access to your body to use as he wishes, without any regard for your well being. Well, it is time you took care of your own well being sweetie. Because all he is interested in is his own gratification. He is probably charming and attractive and has done enough in this relationship to keep you around. But it is no longer good enough when he has been using you and mistreating you sexually. The bad outweighs the good. That is how you know the relationship is not working. His actions are destroying your own self esteem and self respect. Nobody should be given permission to bring us down in any way. But you have given it to this man. And I think it is time to take your life back. Deny him permission to use your body like you are a porn star. You are a woman with a heart, and much more going for her. You need and deserve love, respect, affection, loyalty, support and kindness in order for you to feel emotionally safe with a man, and he is not making you feel safe because he is not meeting any of your critical needs. It seems clear to all here that he is using you. And he is a mean and selfish person to say the very least.
We women are nurturers and we want to make your men happy, often to our own detriment. We know in our hearts that this is abuse, yet we put our blinders on and try to forget all the bad in favor of any good. We are deluding ourselves into thinking all is well because we love the man, despite all his failures and shortcomings. And we stay, and keep trying to change him. We feel that if we love him more, try harder, do more, that he will come around and become the man we envision in our heads. A good man. But you are now opening your eyes and realizing that he cannot be the man you want or need him to be. He likely never was. I sense you are vulnerable in some way and latched onto him for love, affection and validation. He may have given you that in the beginning but as time went on, you started to see his other personality, the real man behind the facade. And it scares you. You should never be afraid of the person you love. If you are, something is terribly wrong.
I suggest you find a trusted friend and talk to them about this. I think you need to get away from him because I fear that if you turn him down sexually, he might lose control and rape you or beat you. He sounds dangerous and living in a fantasy world. Not normal and not healthy. Yes, he is addicted to porn. It is also possible that a man so driven by sex as he is has or is cheating on you. I would not give my body to someone like this, especially if they may have STD's. Don't think for a minute that people are refraining from casual sex during Covid. Some people are incapable. He sounds like he would be one of these people.
You need to talk to a therapist to find out why you latched onto such a man. You need to find your own strength and sense of self worth again. This guy dragged you down. He must have sensed a vulnerability in you when you met and he preyed on it. And now you are struggling to keep your head above water. I know that in the beginning being a sex Goddess to a man can be a big ego boost and exhilarating and makes you feel sexy and invincible. But that only lasts so long. It grows old and tired when you keep being JUST a sex Goddess and nothing else and the sex becomes empty and predictable for you. And then you are turned off by him because it becomes mechanical and meaningless. We women, in time, need more than sex. No woman on earth will want casual sex indefinitely. We need the love and emotional connection to keep it going. Men don't. When they want sex they can use your body all they want even when they do not love you and even when they are using all sorts of fantasies while having sex with you to get off.
Sorry it wasn't better news. But this guy is BAD NEWS and you can find yourself a man who is worthy of you because this one doesn't deserve you, or any woman for that matter. He needs to slither back into his artificial little porn world and live there. Eventually he is going to be a sad and lonely man. In fact, he already is; he just doesn't know it.
Porn does not sustain.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): I think rather than worry about him I’d be asking myself the following questions ;
What do you get out of this relationship?
Why do you feel you deserve no better than a man who has little respect for you or for women in general ?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (26 January 2022):
 You ask, is he a sex addict? I would ask, why do you stay with a man who disrespects you and abuses you in this way? Sticking a label on his behaviour is not going to change anything.
Sweetheart, we learn as babies/toddlers that you can't force a square peg into a round hole. He does not want what you want and you do not want what he wants. That is the top and bottom of it. He is not willing to consider or try what you want, so how long are you going to accommodate HIS needs while yours are completely ignored? When did you become this man's sex toy, his doormat?
As for approaching the subject "without hurting him", why bother about EITHER thing (discussing it OR hurting him)? He is not considerate of YOUR feelings when he gets angry when you try to express the sort of sex YOU would like.
My advice: call it a day and leave him to his porn and his fantasies, or reconcile yourself to the fact that this is how it is going to be if you don't value yourself more than HE values YOU.
I think you deserve better. The question is, do you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2022): Many young couples have sex two or three times a day, we did. I can't remember not being naked. And it was normal "I love you" sex and we were trying to make babies. We all masturbate, but we hide it. The porn and in front of you is just lights out weird -- RUN!
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (25 January 2022):
 There isn’t any way of going about this without hurting him, the truth does hurt. Plus he doesn’t even seem to care about how you feel. He seems more worried about pleasing himself. And that’s kind of dangerous. In my point of view, that could lead to cheating if he isn’t already doing that.
Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is a big thing, and you guys seem very incompatible in that aspect. You can try and talk to him, but I agree with the other agony aunts that he probably won’t change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 January 2022):
 3 things about your post strike me.
1. He has an unhealthy relationship with porn. 100%.
2. You two are not sexually compatible.
3. He sees you more as a prop than a partner (when it comes to sex) YOU seem to be there to fulfill whatever porn-fueled fantasy he has. What you want OR need doesn't matter to him. Only what HE wants.
As far as the question - Is he a sex addict?
We can't diagnose him. I would wager that his unhealthy relationship with porn is more of an addiction than ACTUAL sex.
From what I have read most sex addicts engage in dangerous sex with anyone with a pulse with no regard for their own safety or health. They are basically hyper promiscuous.
He masturbates A LOT. And he has to PLAN sex with you - so basically he has to "write a porn movie in his head" ahead of time to have sex with you. Seems like he is trying to be in total control of ALL sex. Even his solo thing.
I also wager that you want sex less and less as time goes on. He is "killing" your libido with his weird relationship with porn AND sex.
I think instead of asking "Is he a sex addict?"
You need to ask yourself can I stay with him AS HE IS?
Because YOU can not change him. And I don't think HE wants to change.
Is he the right partner for you? My guess is not really. You are not compatible sexually and he is not respectful or even caring when it comes to YOU (at least with the sex).
Personally, I think you need to end the relationship and find someone who is a better fit.
A for approaching him without hurting him, that might not be possible. The truth often hurts.
And, his behavior ALREADY ruined the relationship. You are shutting down sexually and emotionally. Plus you have lost quite a bit of respect for him (I think?).
You can't FIX this. This isn't healthy for YOU.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (25 January 2022):
 It sounds to me like he is living the life of a single guy, doing exactly as he pleases.
Maybe if he was not getting off on dirty porn, and masturbating 10 times a day then he would be able to stay hard with you, and give you the loving attention that you so rightly deserve.
Regular sex is off the table?. it sounds to me like he is more into pleasing himself than he is pleasing you. I don't know how long the pair of you have been together but from your post it sounds like this relationship finished ages ago, and i think that in your heart of hearts you know this is true.
Yes you can communicate with him, tell him of your concerns and see if anything changes. But in all honesty i can't see him changing, all of a sudden ditching the porn, and refraining from masturbating 10 times a day then being a better lover for you.
He is doing all this to you, and your worried about hurting him, he is obviously not worried about your feelings, and your needs.
I am of the opinion that you need to finish this relationship and run for the hills. Find someone who will give you the support, love, affection that you so rightly deserve. You can do better.
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