A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my bf have been 2gether over a year and we've never had sex. We're both experienced in this dept but he was in a relationship with a MUCH younger girl (she was barely 17, he was 28). I feel like because I am 30 and not a "young buck" anymore, that this is why we have no sexual relationship. We masturbate each other only while watching porn (of other women masturbating). I'm not sure how I feel about this. I look at porn but not to become aroused. By that time I am already aroused. I have also found that he looks at normal pictures of teens when he is alone. Pictures of girls in bathing suits, etc. I know about the stories of guys and the Sears lingerie catalogs but is this normal or should I be concerned?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): If the "girls" and "teens" are images of girls who don't look like they're all the way through puberty then this is a BIG problem. BIG. It signifies a fascination with people before they are fully grown.If the "girls" are more like just very young (but still sexually-mature-looking) women, then it's nothing to get too worked up about IMO. Older women often complain when they feel like they don't measure up to their BF's fantasies. But the same women usually were loudly in favor of dating older men back when THEY were young themselves (and probably threatening a previous generation of older women at the time). What goes around comes around.
A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Again...Addictions recovery program...will help you start all over and with open eyes, address your issues-there is no hiding once you join one. They're awesome.
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (7 November 2007):
 You should maybe post a question regarding some of these issues that are directly affecting your ability to make good choices. The answer to one of your questions is "if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what your getting."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all of you for the advice that you have given. I know that it is all so TRUTHFUL and I tend to make excuses for other peoples behavior. This is my soft spot. Its something that I really need to work on. There however, is so much more involved that I have not mentioned. Its really sad. I began coversing on this site so I can try to be more open about my issues and somehow I still find it hard to release all info for fear of someone finding out who or what I really am. I have really had a hard time with my life the past 5 years. Jail, drugs, losing family, my children and now I am trying to rebulid but it has been difficult. It seems like I have bad the same bad choices over and over again and I am not sure why I continue to do these things. Again, I thank you for all your advice and I will try to work on these issues.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (6 November 2007):
It isn't normal behaviour. Normal behaviour means putting your partner first. Not having to rely on porn as a means for self gratification.
Physical Intimacy promotes love, trust, communication, and love in a relationship.
Why would a man or woman, who claims to love their partner-put porn as a top priority and rob from their partner what is a healthy and responsible adult way of being in a relationship?
This isn't happiness. Why would you stay?
His actions demonstrate he is unable to function healthily. His actions are hurting you. His actions are self serving.
No man or woman is ever truly happy when they are with a self serving individual. Self esteems plummets, emotions are all over, uncertainty abounds, mistrust is dominate...
Chica...why do you think staying with him is going to change him? Men for one, don't like to be changed. They want to be accepted as is. Some men will work to change for the better as they are aware is their partner is happy-they are happy.
I think he is afraid of being alone. What he is doing is lonely. It's sad and pathetic.
I don't think he understands what intimacy is, be it emotional, physical. I think porn has taken from him an ability to know how a real adult relationship is and what his responsibilities are.
He made his choice. Can you live this way? You think it has gotten better, or worse?
I think he is in the thrall of addiction and needs to see he has one, admit it, then seek to recover.
Have you thought to join an addictions group for support?
Maybe it will give you the strength to leave. Maybe it will give you the sight to see that he is not at his potential and may never want to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): Hey I feel your pain and anger. It is a terrible situation to be in. But I guess the point that you are not understanding is that it is not normal for a guy that age to not want to have sex, even if he just got out of a relationship. Men always want to have sex. Clearly he has sexual desires and if he is not getting it from you he is absolutely going to get his rocks off somewhere else, (in this case he masturbates while looking at photos of teens.) Do you think that just because for whatever bizarre reason he doesn't have sex with you that he doesn't think about sex a million times a day?? OR have the urge to masturbate and look at female flesh once in a while. Cause he does. So this is precisely why I asked you why you have tolerated the no sex for so long. Cause if he is going to be looking at anybody's flesh it better be yours. And if he is not wanting to have sex with you then I would not put up with it because you can be sure that he is going to be looking for other outlets. I mean just because he won't have sex with you doesn't stop him from being a man. He still thinks about sex 5 million times a day and all that. He has still got raging hormones. I couldn't live with knowing that my bf didn't want to have sex with me cause I know how men are. Not have sex with me yet think about sex all day?? No way! In that case he better please me! He is no different than any other man. That is why I don't understand why you put up with it. It is like Colloroy said, he is probably using you to prove that he can have a 'normal' relationship. But it is not normal and it is hurting you as it would hurt any girl in that position. It is very weird.
Anyways, I hope you understand what I am trying to say about that. And if you choose to not tolerate this anymore than good for you because I don't think that you should. Now on the part about teen girls in swimsuits, well obviously he has got a fetish for teen girls. I am not sure what kind of pics he is looking at but he obviously likes the young petite looking figure of a girl. I do find it a little bit weird that his tastes are so LIMITED to just teens.
But the weirdest thing is that he won't have sex with you and he is putting you in this position. He is not going to stop having urges or looking at pictures or fantasizing about teens. There are so many good guys out there who are cute, great in bed, love to please a woman, don't have these issues or fetishes and who will love to love you and make you happy. You are never going to see the beauty of a HEALTHY relationship until you leave this fool. He is not going to change. I promise you. So that is something to think about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI accepted the fact that he had just gotten out of the relationship with the "adolescent" female and I also had been fresh out of a relationship of 5 years. It really didn't bother me in the beginning that he wanted to wait a while before we had sex. Now I have developed stronger feelings for him and during our foreplay or foul-play it should be called, I want to have sex so badly. The issue here is the fact that he looks at normal pictures of 16 yr old girls that are exposing skin in an everyday usual way. Waiting for sex , I can handle but waiting for sex while he's jerking off to family vacation photos, I'm not so sure. He doesn't know that I found these pics on his pc (yes, I was being nosy) so how would I even bring this topic up to discuss with him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI accepted the fact that he had just gotten out of the relationship with the "adolescent" female and I also had been fresh out of a relationship of 5 years. It really didn't bother me in the beginning that he wanted to wait a while before we had sex. Now I have developed stronger feelings for him and during our foreplay or foul-play it should be called, I want to have sex so badly. The issue here is the fact that he looks at normal pictures of 16 yr old girls that are exposing skin in an everyday usual way. Waiting for sex , I can handle but waiting for sex while he's jerking off to family vacation photos, I'm not so sure. He doesn't know that I found these pics on his pc (yes, I was being nosy) so how would I even bring this topic up to discuss with him?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I'm sorry to say mate, this doesnt look good. You have been together a year and no sex? But you engage in the activity which is for his pleasure only.
You could be right, he may not be able to get turned on by someone out of their teenage years, but he's using you to prove that he can have a 'normal' relationship.
Honestly, I can't see for the life of me why you would settle for this. You're still a young woman, there's still plenty of time to meet someone who actually wants to have real sex. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I just don't understand why exactly you two have never had sex?? Do you want to have sex?? And if so, why have you been in and tolerated a sex-less relationship for an entire year?? That is the part that I find the strangest about all this. I mean you are a 30 year old hot blooded woman with sexual desires. So you are old enough to know that sex is an integral part of any relationship. I mean whatever his reasons may be for not having sex, it is your relationship too and if you saw early on in the relationship that he didn't want to have sex with you, why did you put up with it for this long?? Most people your age have sex with their partner within the first couple months of meeting, so why didn't you bring this up then???
I don't think the issue here is about him liking younger women. I think the issue here is that you have not been getting what you want and what you deserve out of this relationship since day one, and even so you have put up with it. Why???
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (5 November 2007):
If you are unhappy with him and unsatisfied and cannot think to trust him and if he is not wanting to function in your adult relationship to your expecations-why stay?
You are already concerned.
I would be too in that it does seem, by your information, that he may not be a healthy, adjusted adult in his desires, expectations, and has little to no real interactive skills in the social skills department.
So what exactly are you trying to conclude?
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