A
female
age
36-40,
*eleste55
writes:My bf and I have been going out for just over a year. About a month ago I moved out on my own because I could no longer tolerate the living situation I was in. For 6 months my bf lived together and in those six months our relationship went from good-bad-worse-terrible. The last month we lived together we spent most of it not talking and broken up. Now that I have moved out on my own my bf has strangely taken this turn to become a complete gentleman complimenting me, doing things for me, calling and texting and telling me he loves me all the time. All of these things he would never do when we lived together. Also when we lived together we would never have sex, he would give me excuses that he was tired ect or just didn't feel like it. Now he wants it all the time. Because of his uncharacteristic I'm wondering why all of a sudden the change and what has caused this change in behaviour. Prior to my moving out I noticed a strange relationship with my gay landlord evolve over the months we lived together. It went from going downstairs to have a drink to all night drinking binges and doing drugs. Our landlord went from being "our" landlord to being his best friend. Our landlord is gay, blantantly so and has hit on my bf dozens in not hundreds of times even right in front of me. It got to the point where my bf stopped talking to me and would ignore me for days while he hid downstairs with our landlord. He would listen fir hours about our landlords problems while he wouldn't give me 10 minutes for my grievances about my day. I felt like I became the house pariah and all I wanted was the loving bf I once had to come back and acknowledge me. I needed to be loved and cared about and told him this. I tried to be open and honest, tried to be calm tried to talk to him and it was like we were speaking to each other in a different laungage. He didn't understand me when I was clearly telling him why I was upset. I tried and I tried and it got worse and worse as if my trying was only pushing him farther away. He didn't mind my landlord hitting on him, in fact he seemed to enjoy the attention. Many times they have been alone going hot rubbing naked together, getting drunk and high, watching movies, eating dinner together and even giving each other massages. I have been told that this behaviour is not normal of a hetro guy, especially one whol claims he wants to marry me and have children. He still lives in the house now and hangs out with our landlord and now I have no clue what is going on as I no longer live there. My bf has already lied to me about doing coke many times and I have to wonder if he is lying to me about his relationship with our landlord. My gut is telling me something is off, especially with his new behaviour towards me. I love him, but I can't be with him if he is gay or has cheated with me with his landlord. I've asked him outright but of course he denied it, but even how he answered made me suspicious. This man has been asking me my ring size and I don't want to be presented with a engagement based upon lies. I don't want to be the woman he has kids with and I find in bed with another man 2,3,5 years or months or whatever from now. Please I don't need negativity I just want to make the right choices in my life, as I want him to be true to himself. He could be curious, he could be just looking for a shoulder to lean on as he has gone through alot with his family concerning his brother. It could be be many things, but there has been signs and I don't want to be with someone who is unsure about what they want in their lives or is only using me as a cover. Any advice, wisdom would be helpful. Please take in consideration that I do love him want the best for him, but I've been hurt too many times to put myself through another dissapointment/heartbreak.Thank you
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Definitely time to move on. It sounds like, with your writing that (in a way) your trying to justify this, as in where it pertains to you. Self blame, confusion, etc. That is normal. My exwife use to mess with me, stating she'd become lesbian, so I could be responsible for turning two girls. This was not at all your fault. Anytime you question yourself as to why he'd do this with the landlord, remind yourself of that. The only behavior you have any responsibility over is your own, and the only guys who'd be massaging your landlord are one's who are into doing so.
Its time to move forward from this, no looking back and find someone who sees you as being the only one he wants his all over.
A
female
reader, Celeste55 +, writes (15 February 2010):
Celeste55 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to add that while we lived together my bf and I we would fight constantly over minor stupid things. I would want to talk to him about it and get to the bottom of the problem while he would clam up and get mad and either leave the house entirely or go downstairs. So when I said he hides downstairs he was running away from our fights and refusing to deal with any of the issues. He would rather ignore me for 2-3 days and pretend like nothing happened. I would always have to be the bigger person and apologize and chase him down to make things right. The last three months at that house I think I cried at least once a week over my frustration.
Also to clarify the typo"hot rubbing" they have been hot tubbing, my bf claims to have not gotten naked himself but my landlord frequently took his shorts off and went in naked while they were alone together. Also I was just trying to describe how much time they had together doing things that I thought we should have been doing. My bf thought I was jealous of the landlord when I told him that I was jealous of the way he treated our landlord which should have been the way he treated me.
The most disturbing thing that I witnessed between them was when my landlord was complaining about his back and my bf offered him a massage. My landlord took off his shirt lied down in front of the fireplace and my bf then straddled him and massaged him for a good 10-15 minutes before I got so uncomfortable I had to leave. When my bf came upstairs to see why I left I told him that it made me uncomfortable that he was massaging our landlord. He then told me that I was being ridiculous and even though I asked him to stop he refused. I have since inquired and have been told that they still massage one another. I also want to add that for a few months my bf would ask me to massage him nor would he offer for me unless I asked. Also the night I witnessed the massaging my landlord was having a conversation regarding hetro men turning gay or becoming curious. Our landlord played it off as him just being curious and wanting opinions but I feel as if it was a manipulative play.
If anyone has any questions regarding clarifying please ask.
Update: my friend I'm staying with was talking about how uncomfortable she is about her brother being gay, and from what I could tell from his body laungage my friend and I agree that he looked very uncomfortable. She said normally he would have interjected and asked "why are we having this conversation?" normally what he would have said prior to meeting our landlord.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 February 2010):
As a strait-male, I'd wait for a female to offer a massage, before accepting one. I'd pay for a massage at a parlor if I really needed one. Something does seem strange with his behavior, especially the "naked" whatever that is that you said they did together. I don't feel comfortable in a sauna where another guy comes in, that's my cue to vacate.
How'd you ask him if they did? Outright, so just come out and ask "you gay"? I'd say, "you asked for my hand in marriage, got massages and (whatever else you saw), and you're going to tell me spending all that time alone didn't lead to something else. I can't believe that, and to even consider "marriage", truth and trust are essential, so tell me, what really happened?" Then you can make your determination from what he says.
You also need to remember that you deserve to be treated good by whoever you're with. Not this treating you like crap living together and like a queen when you're not. That's not a solid foundation to build your relationship off of.
I hope this helps, take care.
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