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female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes: My question: Is love selfish?does someone only love because it makes them happy inside? would someone love a person who doesn't make them happy? look at these questions while you answer my question.- why do people stop loving a person? when they are bored of them. when they hurt them. when they betray them.but they stop the love b/c the love doesn't benefit the person anymore.so can't love be selfish? can one argue that love is selfish. one can say that they would give everything up in life for a certain person - but maybe they do it b/c they find that person more pleasing to them then other things.isn't then love selfish for that one person - when a person is fed up with crap from the person they're with then they end up leaving that person - thus doesn't a person only stay with someone for "love" when they feel like they are satisfied and when they are not they leave to find something else that makes them happy.so you love to see your own happiness.so wouldn't love be selfish.when i say love being selfish i mean the person honestly only loves themselves b/c in the end the person is with someone for his/her happiness - not really for the other person.what do you think? do you think it is a good argument. i want to write a paper for my English class regarding this issue b/c i honestly think that "love is selfish" but is this argument good enough. (well this is not an argument its just explaining my idea)if there are any questions regarding my question or anything unclear plz mention it to me and i will try my best to make it sound understandable. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dazzerg  + ♥, writes (25 November 2007):
 Further to this...i produced a blog on the topic...is below
Is love selfish??
As my readers on here are probably not aware, I am part of a moderating team for a relationships advice site. An interesting question was posted the other day from a American teenager who was writing an essay on the question of whether love was selfish or not. She made a convincing case for the prosecution citing the fact that when a “person is fed up with crap from the person they’re with then they end up leaving that person” thus “only stay with someone for “love” when they feel like they are satisfied and when they are not they leave to find something else that makes them happy”.
Romantics would, of course, recoil at such cynicism but there can be little doubt in the real world that this is how things pan out. People do sometimes stay in unhappy relationships but it would be untrue that this is due plainly to a generosity of spirit; after all that persons lack of self-esteem or tendency towards emotional masochism, or ‘moth-to-the-flame syndrome’, can be factors that weigh just as heavily in that scenario. Equally some people equate love with suffering and view it as not being true love if there is no suffering involved; that is not to deny genuine selfless impulses exist it’s just to argue against them being the sole motivation for people sticking with an unhappy relationship.
Love is ultimately an expression with our desire to connect with the people around us and a way of mediating the gaps and intricacies of our various emotional and physical relationships that we form as we journey through life. This is the reason for ‘different kinds of love’ and for the definition of love being as highly subjective and individual as it is; for example, one relationship, that we have with those that provide for us as young is governed by family love. The need to procreate and find a mate is governed by romantic love; the need for companionship governed by friendship love etc, etc.
In all of these love’s we get something in return for what is given (or not as the case maybe). Having said that, there is an empathic tendency within most people to derive happiness directly from providing for the happiness and well being of another and fulfilling a sense of loyalty to another which can override our own tendency to self-preservation. I have just finished reading a not unsympathetic account of the life of Marie-Antoinette and there can be little doubt that her determination to stand by the side of her husband, Louis XVI, cost the hapless Hapsburg her life and that of her children too. Life is full of examples of such selflessness done in the name of love.
Selflessness is as deeply routed in human nature as selfishness and it can be said that a healthy dose of both has contributed immensely to the success of humanity as a species. Love is normally celebrated only for its selfless side but there is unquestionably a side to it that is self-serving and perhaps it is time it was celebrated as what it is; an expression of humanity both at it’s best and it’s worst.
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female
reader, calamitysil +, writes (24 November 2007):
 There are many different kinds of love. The love for family and friends, your pets, your children, some people love a "god", nature, romantic love, self love etc etc.
It's impossible not to have an element of selfish love in romantic love. When you love someone it's only natural to expect the other person to respond to you too. This is why unrequited love can be so incredibly painful. It's hard to love someone who doesn't feel the same way. When relationships have gone wrong, and people hurt each other in cruel ways, love doesn't immediately die. Some people hang in there and continue to be abused, telling themselves they love the other person despite the way they treat them. But is that love? Or hope that things can go back to how they once were? A certain amount of selfishness needs to exist, otherwise people have no self respect and allow people to hurt them over and over in the name of love.Love is respect, for yourself and the other person.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 My question: Is love selfish?
Check out the dictionary def'n of Love and Selfish.
Also, I think there is a difference between selfish and self-centered. Selfish is when you do things for your own best self interest. Self-centered is when you consider yourself above being good to other people, and only take yourself into account.
does someone only love because it makes them happy inside? would someone love a person who doesn't make them happy?
Becuase that person may address her emotional needs. There is a difference between what a person likes (being made happy) and what a person RESPONDS to (being with a person that makes her unhappy but that simutaniously addresses her emotional needs.
- why do people stop loving a person? when they are bored of them. when they hurt them. when they betray them.
Only if those things are a direct result of violating what the most important emotional needs are for her. If drama is important to her, then being bored is a factor. If trust is the most important, then betrayal is also. BAsically, love disappears when her emotional needs are violted either on a regular basis, or one big violation of an important need. This is where people are different.
so can't love be selfish? can one argue that love is selfish.
I see love as a result of emotional needs being met, not as the catalyst. I love my wife becuase she addresses my emotional needs as a man. She loves me as I address her emotional needs as a woman. We continue to do so out of love, so yes love is the insparation, but the love was a result of something first. Now, LUST, what some take as love...that is a different story.
one can say that they would give everything up in life for a certain person - but maybe they do it b/c they find that person more pleasing to them then other things.
Yup. If you were with someone that addressed all your emotional needs in a way that made you not want to live without that persons ability to address your emotional needs, then sacficing yourself is easier to handle than not being with that person.
isn't then love selfish for that one person - when a person is fed up with crap from the person they're with then they end up leaving that person - thus doesn't a person only stay with someone for "love" when they feel like they are satisfied and when they are not they leave to find something else that makes them happy.
Maybe when people are younger as it is easier to leave. WHen they are older, they have more at stake. They may have children, finances, and other concerns that make them stay in bad situations. Usually the deciding factor again comes to emotional needs. If a person's emotional needs are better addressed staying in a bad relationship, instead of breaking it off, then no matter how they feel, they will stay. And vice-versa.
so you love to see your own happiness.
I think your own happiness is what love grows from.
so wouldn't love be selfish.
In this context, then everything is selfish if done out of self interest.
when i say love being selfish i mean the person honestly only loves themselves b/c in the end the person is with someone for his/her happiness - not really for the other person.
Well, consider the opposite...would you ever be able to find love with someont that does not consider themselves in high regard? If they are not willing to fight for themselves, and go after the best for themselves, they could never do it for the relationships they are in.
I Hope you found this useful.
-Frank B Kermit, author of Everything out of her mouth is a test: A man's guide to the emotional needs of women
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A
female
reader, ariel +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Is Love selfish???? Well that would depend on your concept of love. We all have different assumptions of love and what we want. So I guess love can be just as selfish as it’s selfless. We can’t help who we are attracted to, we seem to choose people with qualities we like .Those similarities are usually what we like in ourselves or what we would like in ourselves. This is where most people cock it up in relationships, they seem to fall for the image (ego) the other person is portraying, only to be disillusioned when they realize the person is not like that at all. Or through jealousy or fear of loosing that person they try and control the person to suit them, to me that is selfish. Love is about giving and not expecting anything in return, allowing space for both of you to grow, because lets face it people change as they develop and age.
So to answer your question, we choose who we love, we made a decision to love them. Is that selfish? They accepted to love us back through their own choice. With decision comes responsibility and a lot of people are afraid of too much responsibility. They think they have to take care of how others feel. We are not responsible how others feel, that is their responsibility. We are taught from a young age to make others feel more important than ourselves. Imagine if everyone took responsibility for their own feelings eg: jealousy, pain, insecurity. You would not need to feel pressurized to explain or console a loved one. Blah! This question is very much like what came first the chicken or the egg. Some say egg and some say chicken.
Its one of those questions where everyone has to agree to disagree because we are taught by our parents and there parents before how we should feel about certain things.
Anyway ,I wish you good luck with your paper.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg + ♥, writes (24 November 2007):
Firstly, well done on constructing a very credible argument. I think your question is one of those ones where there is no definitive right or wrong answer just many different points of view. I dont think there is one absolute 'true' answer just different angles which articulate loads of different truths.
Humans like any other species on the planet you care to mention do have a strongly developed desire for self-preservation, there is no question about that. This is natural and to an extent forgetting that skews our perspective, nobody would accuse, for example, any other species of being 'selfish' simply for seeking to preserve itself.
However, the very fact that we have evolved mentally to the point where we can invent the concept of selfishness proves that we can also behave in the opposite way, selfless and there are numerous examples every day the world over of totally selfless behaviour, even somebody who gives up their seat on the bus is displaying that truly human impulse to put another before ones own comfort. Purely selfless people are a myth as are entirely selfish people, people are a complicated mixture of both impulses though some can weigh more one way than the other, of course. Love is pretty much the same, it can be selfish and selfless.
good luck with your eassy and i hope my thoughts have helped a little :)
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A
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reader, Giles  +, writes (24 November 2007):
Well, your response is a bit muddled, but somehow i sense we're on the same wavelegth. Lets work with the first sentence. Im saying that we should love IN SPITE OF how others make us feel about ourselves. I think perhaps you are getting in too deep into this, to the place where things just go in circles and nothing gets resloved beacause anything is possible there. Be wary of that place. 'If you look upon the face of God (infinity) it will destroy you.'What Im saying is, love should be like breathing. No matter what happens, whether its a good day or a bad day, whether you're selfish or selfless, whether you laugh or cry, hate or love, whatever, Breath sill flows. It is happening whether you like it or not, because it is natural. I think love should be like that. If you find that we all love for selfish reasons... well, thats fine. I can accept that. Its good. If you find that someone killed your family, and you catch him and kill him. Fine. accept it. Let it be. You acted. It happened exactly as the script of the play of life required. I know this sounds incredibly ethereal, but I hope that, regardless of whether you understand it or not, that a small piece of you somewhere says, "Yes, I like that." Just breath. watch the breath. it is perfect. Everything in existence is perfect and it cannot possibly be otherwise...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can see your point. but you accept that person b/c they can still hold your patience and as a whole it still is a benefit to you. however, say things went over board and then you left the person. then doesn't it show that you are selfish for yourself. if you feel like it is too much then you will leave. say your partner cheated on you. you would (most likely) i am guessing would leave the person, right? now isn't "true love" being with a person no matter what? or whatever it is. now if a person did something that went over your patience then you would leave them. however, with yourself that is not the case. you can put up with yourself no matter what. and you do want the best for yourself. and once a person goes beyond your limits then you will leave that person b/c the benefit that the person offered is worthless now b/c more flaws are shown and thus a person moves on to something (in this case someone) better who will satisfy their needs more. i know this is a bit unclear, but i hope you understand what i am trying to say.
maybe the word selfish itself is too harsh for this topic.... =/
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A
male
reader, Giles +, writes (24 November 2007):
I remember asking exactly the same question years ago! Quite disillusioning, isn't it? Kind of makes you think maybe we're all beasts, and to a point we are.
My personal opinion though, is that, while this thing we call love is selfish, TRUE love can be summed up in one word: ACCEPTANCE. I must emphasize that this is my opinion, because thise could spark an endless debate, but I think that if you can accept someone or something or some situation, totally, without wishing he/she/it were something else, or trying to change him/her/it into that something else, then that is true love. Anything else, as you correctly pointed out, is motivated by self.
Feel free to use this in your essay, its for free ;)
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female
reader, phiatiger +, writes (24 November 2007):
Yes absolutely. And I think that you will be making a very good argument. Love is entirely selfish, we as humans have labelled love to what in nature would be courtship and finding a mate and it seems that we have modified it over the years to mean exactly what we want - and that leaves the meaning of love different for each individual.
Love is selfish as we find love to make ourselves happy, to stop ourselves being lonely and to fill a gap in our lives.
On the other hand once we do love someone, the relationship lasts because of a mutual love and understanding and is a word used to describe sharing a lifetime together and there is nothing selfish about that.
Hope your paper goes well. You have made some valied points.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionactually i think my argument is more about "is humanity selfish" are we humans naturally born selfish?
my claim is - yes we are.
what do you guys think?
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