A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to have the "all or nothing" mentality? Must we remain friends? Is it ok if you have no interest in being a friend to a woman who (place excuse here) and just wants to be friends. We have been close friends for 2 years and now that I have exposed my feelings, I am shot down. What would you do?Thanks, Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): Pretended? Have you lost your mind? I didn't like her that way at first, it was gradual...you must be a teenager.It doesnt matter anyway, we aren't speaking at the moment, and I perfectly fine with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): In this case I do think it is wrong. You have been friends with the woman for two years. And just because you didn't get what you wanted out of it now you are going to drop her as a friend. I just think that is mean. You shouldn't have pretended to be her friend for two years if you only had an ulterior motive behind it all along. I mean ok you are embarrassed. But so what.
I mean it is one thing if you are "friends" with someone for a month and then find out she doesn't like you back and you move on. But two years is quite different. I think you should get over it and continue being her friend. Otherwise you were never her friend to begin with. That's just mean. You should never have pretended to be her friend.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 September 2007):
 Sometimes it is all or nothing. Once the genie is out of the bottle it's hard to put him back inside. The other person always knows you look at them in a different light and desire them. This is the hard part. The person who is desired feels obligated to put up a little wall around them so you don't feel encouraged to keep trying. If they didn't build the wall, they'd be accused of leading you on. If you're the one building the wall, just accept defeat and be decent to the other person.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (29 September 2007):
So basicaly your asking is it ok or wrong to either want to be in a relationship with this girl, or to have nothing and loose the friendship?
I dont think its wrong to feel like that! many people find it hard to maintain friendships with those they have deeper feelings for when those feelings arent returned. So no its not wrong to want that. But it would be a pitty to give up on what could be a great freindship. Obviously being shot down is a very hurtful thing to go through, and you may find it hard to be around your friend for a while, but once you get through this, as everyone moves on from feeling like that, you may be able to still have a friendship with her- if thats what you want.
Personaly if I was you, I would try to keep the frinedship, but then I guess it really depends on your reason for not wanting it. Is it because you would find it too hard to be around her becuase you were shot down? If so then give yourself time, to work through that, and tell her that you need sometime by yourself or whatever, then when you feel you are ready you may be able to go back to that friendship. Those feelings wont last forever, so I bet at one stage or another, you will want that friendship back :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): you will know if your friend feels same way that you do if she responds to your passes. if not, then you're better off being friends.
it would take for some woman to respond longer in cases like this. so be patient. show that you are sincere and you mean what you feel.
good luck
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