A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to be jealous of an ex? When my gf was jealous of my ex i broke off all ties with her. But now that i'm getting jealous of her ex she says i have no choice in the matter and i have to put up with it. She constantly tells me that i have to prove that i love her but if i ever get jealous or mad about them talking it makes it seem like i don't. She used to hate him, and tells me that he's a complete asshole, but if he texts her she cant not respond even if she tries. Shes still attached to him and i cant help but be jealous about it. Her own words were that "you cant help being jealous of him but i cant help not talking to him." She refuses to see that this is starting to tear us apart. From my point of view its hard to see how talking to him is worth ruining our relationship. Am i wrong? Should i just put up with it and if i cant should break up with her? Is it wrong for me to make her choose me or him? I feel like she might choose him if i give her that ultimatum. I don't want our relationship to end over this but i can only take so much of this. Any advice is welcome even if your just telling me to suck it up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust want to say thanks for the advice. Knowing that i wasn't completely wrong in this situation gave me a lot of confidence to really deal with the issue.
A
female
reader, cma +, writes (12 August 2010):
HOW OLD ARE YOU AND YOUR GF? WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN SHE WAS JELOUS OF YOUR EX? MAYBE SHE WANTS YOU TO FEEL HOW SHE FELT WITH YOUR EX. IF SHE REALLY THINKS THE EX IS AN A-HOLE AND SHE STILL TALKING TO HIM THEN SHE HAS A PROBLEM IF IT WAS ME I WOULD NOT BE TALKING TO HIM THAT IS WHY HE IS AN EX, LEAVE IT BEHIND. THAT IS LACK OF RESPECT, BUT WE DON'T KNOW HER SIDE OF THE STORY SO MAKE IT WORK AND YEAH IF IT BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH TELL HOW IT IS DISTURBING YOU , TELL HER IN A GENTLE NICE WAY AND AT THE RIGHT TIME .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Please walk away. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Not only is it a double standard- which is unforgivable in itself- but despite what you have said to her she is adamant that her relationship with her ex is more important than your feelings. Move on from her. This is immature and thoughtless.
Moreover, no girlfriend should be asking you to prove you love her on a regular basis. This sounds like insecurity and, again, immaturity.
Walk away and move onward and upward. Maybe one day she will realise what she lost. But you shouldn't have to suffer. Be strong. Your feelings are 100% spot on.
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A
female
reader, blakjacq +, writes (11 August 2010):
 oooooo. What a sticky situation. Jealousy is an emotion that comes naturally whether you invite the feelings or not, and you both have felt this. (how you act on your jealousy is what you as a person can control). She not talking to your ex seems as though it was fairly easy for you, and if not easy, at least dueable.
I have been in almost this same situation with my current boyfriend, and I was in your girlfriend's position. You said "She used to hate him, and tells me that he's a complete asshole..." If she truely DOES know this then you have one up on this guy. (one less reason to feel threatened) And just because she knows he's an asshole that doesnt cure her past attachment to him. She was probably in love with him, or at least her bodily hormones that aretied to feelings of attachment in the brain were in love with him. and that is not something that just goes away, not if the person hurts you, abuses you, dies, or whatever. (just like an abused puppy still loves it's owners anyways)
I hated my ex most of the time, he was a dush that hurt me so deeply, we lived in different states, both had new significant others, I never even had any intentions of getting back together with him, and yet I STILL talked to him. Why? I'm not sure.... it's how I got my closure I think.
My opinion is who cares if someone talks to their ex's, that's one's perogative. (her not letting you talk to your ex... that's a different answer/conversaton that I'm not addressing in this post.) Your jealousy is natural but should be dealt with. What you should be concerned about is, is this guys a threat to you? Everything in this life is conditional.....AKA. nothing is just black and white... it's some shade of grey. So ask yourself these questions:
Is he trying to get her back? Is she interested in getting back with him? Does she keep him as an option in case you guys break up? How does she communicate wit him other than phone? Do they ever meet in person? How honest with you is she when it comes to this guy?
Make you decisions based off of the answers to THESE question and definetly talk her about how u feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): You know what "you cant help being jealous of him but i cant help not talking to him." means?
It means she's already chosen him over you and your relationship.
It's game over and you know it. You're struggling to find a way to possibly rationalize what she's doing or trying to find a way of making it not seem like she's going completely against your wishes and reigniting her relationship with her ex.
She doesn't care that you're jealous, in fact she might even like that you are, but the fact remains you've told her she's hurting you and she'd rather talk to this guy than stop hurting you.
When a girl says she can't help talking to a certain guy that's romancing her, you're in big trouble.
You don't have to make her choose, she's already chosen, just like you made a choice when you found out she didn't like you talking to your ex. The choice you made was her, the choice she made was him.
I think you know in your heart where this is leading, he's her ex, he knows all the right things to say, he knows all her buttons and with every text, phonecall, message on myspace or facebook he's getting his claws deeper into her.
Her feelings for him are still strong, you know this because she said she can't help herself. Well if she can't help herself now, how is it going to be in a few weeks, months after endless contact and texts. That's right, it's a horrible thought but it's really the only way this is going to go and deep down you know that.
Nobody here will tell you to suck it up, because no one in their right mind would advise another person to put up with this.
This relationship was over the minute she said she can't help herself with a guy that she also called an asshole.
Time for you to let her go, because they will just continue to get closer and closer as time goes by, and frankly that's not something you can nor should have to live with.
Good luck man.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Double standards is THE... yes THE worst quality to have in a partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): You asked if it would be wrong for you to ask her to cut contact with him... that is exactly what she made you do with your ex! Fairness works both ways in a relationship. Either she stops talking to her ex, or you start talking to yours again. If she knows that it bothers you then she should be doing something about it. If she valued you or your relationship at all then she wouldn't reply to his texts, but if he's such an "a**hole" then why would she talk to him anyway?
I'm sorry to have to say this but if I were you I'd walk away. Having one rule for you and another for her is not how relationships work. Please talk to her about this and tell her how serious you are!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 August 2010):
 My advice is to end it. Not because of the jealousy, but because of the glaring double standard that she has put out. You can't talk to your ex, but she can talk to hers? Really? Fuck that.
She can definitely not text him. It's easy. You don't type a message. You also know that his motivation in contacting her isn't just friendly, it's to get back into her pants. You know how guys operate, and you're right not to trust him.
Personally, I don't like anyone to dictate to me who I can and cannot contact. Nobody rules me but me. If I'm in love with someone, and they provide a good enough reason for me to make a change with regard to who I can and can't talk to, I may consider it. Especially if it hurts them deeply. I would need to know why it hurts them so badly though.
To me she sounds completely self centered. Relationships are about compromise, and she isn't willing to bend. If you don't break it off, I don't see this getting better.
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