A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met the man I’m dating several months ago, at which time we started getting to know each other a little. There was minor flirting, and we admitted after a few months that we had crushes on each other. He had just gotten out of a ten-year relationship and just prior I left a 12-year relationship. We’re both in our mid-thirties. He didn’t want to ask me out until he felt better about his emotional place. But we have now been dating for 2 ½ months. We are intimate with each other. A couple weeks into dating he let me know that he was seeing other women, and that he still has a lot of issues to work out with regard to his past relationship. We have been totally honest with each other, which I admire. At this point he is still seeing two other women. He has told me, though I have not pushed for this information, that I am the only woman he is intimate with. Additionally, he has said things to me – “I am seriously falling for you.” “Would you consider moving back to my home town with me at some point?” “Would you ever get married again?” “You deserve the world and I know it’s not fair to you that I am still dealing with these issues.” “It’s going to get better, I promise.” “You make me happy.” “We fit together perfectly.” “I have never felt this way about a woman before.” Again, I never initiate any of these conversations; he says it all on his own accord. We sometimes just lay in bed and stare into each other’s eyes for a while, then talk, and hold each other.He has told his family about me, I have met his sister, I have talked to his brother on the phone, his mom has sent me a hello message while talking to him while I’m there. He takes me to his favorite haunts and introduces me to his friends. He has met my friends and family, and is coming to holiday dinner at my family’s home. He even picked me up from the hospital after a surgery, then took me to his house because he wanted to be the one to take care of me. Likewise, I’ve taken care of him when he was not well, at his request. He said he just wanted me there with him. He admits to being a flake, and sometimes is unavailable, I suspect because he is out with one of his other girls. But he says that he considers us to be in a “dating relationship” while he simply goes out with the other girls. Incidentally, he has told me about the other girls, but they don’t know about me.He knows that I care about him. And I have told him that I admire his honesty, and that I don’t want to be the Rebound-Relationship. I told him that I’d prefer the other girls being his rebounds while he finishes working out the baggage he has from his past relationship – he does talk to a therapist about these issues. A few more details that might help assess this situation – we’re both well educated, we talk about our multitude of mutual interests often, I am an attractive and fit woman who he loves to visually admire and he’s constantly telling me that, I am a care-taker, I cook for him and bake for him, which he loves; he’s from small town Midwest while I’m from west coast city. We have both noted that we’re very comfortable together, that we seem to fit together, and I think this could be a successful relationship after he’s sorted through his issues and we’ve moved on to an exclusive relationship. He has noted that we are on our way to “exclusive”.Question – what is going on here???? I’d love a man’s perspective. Should I hang in there?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): (Moral of the story. Men value what they have to work to get)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Personally, I think your fellow has all the power in the relationship. You have turned into the selectee instead of the selector. In male and female relationships, the woman should never allow a man to feel that she is waiting around on him to be chosen. The Reality TV show the Bachelor illustrates this perfectly. There are about 30 women that this does not make for a happy ending.
If you want to get this guy to snap to and become exclusive then you have got to stop giving him all the benefits without the commitment. Stop cooking for him, stop doting on him hand and foot. If you want to continue to have sex with him fine, but you should demand sexual exclusivity and until you get it, you should be sleeping with some other men of your own...and dating them and making him wait to fit around your schedule, not the other way around.
Tell him you aren't interested in being any one's exclusive girlfriend, you want happily ever after with a man who knows you are the ONE, and until he knows then you will be keeping your heart open to other men, your options open....and if he doesn't want to lock this down any time soon, then he knows he stands to lose you to some guy who will. If you want you can offer him sexual exclusivity, but not commit your heart fully....and that you don't do well with him dating other women, if he wants to do that, then you will just take that as his answer to whether or not he sees a future with you....and go on your way.
Take your power back. Right now he has all of it and he is King Turd sitting on Turd Island and you are the toilet bowl surrounding it. Get it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I would say yes, but be cautious about becoming too emotionally involved too quickly until it's absolutely clear where this relationship is headed.
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