| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend always has to or wants to stick at least his fingers if not a vibrator in my anus to be able to get off. Why? I know a lil of his past history and he could have been abused in some way. Would something like that cause people problems? Cause it is for us. Thank you,JennRenee’
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (7 January 2022):
 I assume the reason you're asking this is because if it is rooted in prior abuse, once you solve the abuse issue, the sexual tastes will also be 'solved'.This will not happen.Whatever the cause he enjoys it and it causes him no harm or grief, so he has no incentive to change his tastes.As the others have pointed out, all you can do is choose not to engage in it. You don't owe it to him or anyone, no matter what they've suffered or how otherwise delightful they may be. Understand that this could cause you the relationship, you'd then have to ask yourself if you could be happy making this compromise. If not, then it's a dealbreaker for you, and that is perfectly reasonable.The next step is in communicating this to him (and others in the future if he turns out not to be 'the one'). I strongly recommend you keep it brief and adopt a calm, confident demeanour. If you don't truly feel it, just fake it 'til you make it. Don't offer any further explanations. When asked 'why?' you simply respond with 'I just don't'.Nothing more is required.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 January 2022):
 I have to agree, for me (at least) it comes down to DO YOU enjoy this or not?
If you enjoy it, OK
If you don't, then you need to have a talk about it. It sounds more like a "porn notion" (as in, something he has seen or porn and presumes ALL women enjoy).
Can it be that due to abuse, he isn't good with ASKING about boundaries? Or understanding that YOU might have different boundaries? Yes. However, that is irrelevant, as YOU need to assert your own boundaries. Not him. He needs to assert HIS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): Actually the adolescence years of a young mans life are the formative years of his sexual tastes. For instance if he was exposed frequently to female nudity at home or by a female member of the family he would end up seeking female nudity such as in strip clubs and nude magazines and films. I assume your man watches a lot of porn and what you describe here are some of the things they do in porn.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (6 January 2022):
 Is this something you enjoy? From the tone of your post, I am guessing not. Why are you allowing it to happen?
I guess it IS possible that this behaviour is, in some way, linked to the abuse he suffered in the past. However, it might also be for different reasons. A couple which immediately spring to mind are that a former partner enjoyed this and he thinks all women enjoy it or he read about it somewhere and thinks this is what women want. While SOME women may enjoy this, it doesn't sound like it is something you want or enjoy. Regardless of the "reason" behind it, you should not be allowing him to do things to you which you find unpleasant. If you have not already done so, you will eventually come to hate sex, and even yourself, for allowing this to happen.
Sit him down and talk to him. If you are intimate enough to have sex, you should be comfortable enough to discuss it. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that this is NOT something you desire or enjoy. If it is something HE needs, then you two are not compatible and you need to go your separate ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022): You should ask your boyfriend. You're allowing him to do things to your body, without even wanting to know why? Nobody here can read his mind.
If you don't get pleasure out what someone is doing to your body, you don't have to do it. It isn't absolutely necessary, it's something he likes to do.
Madame, you are mature and experienced enough at this point in your life to know that you don't have to completely submit to whatever a man wants in order to keep one. If you've reduced yourself to this kind of mindset; you will find that it will be detrimental to both your mental and physical health in the long-run.
If you want to know if this might cause you physiological problems down the road, I strongly urge you to ask your doctor or gynecologist.
If you truly enjoyed it, you probably wouldn't be here asking strangers. You really should ask your boyfriend. The one who is doing it to you! If you find it disgusting or unpleasant; you have every right to refuse to let him do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022): It's causing a problem for you not him, he enjoys it. He won't go to a therapist in the hope he changes and loses that!
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