| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Can being a virgin make you never want to get married?I'm so distressed about being a virgin and turning 23 in April. I have had sexual contact in the past but never sex. I used to like the idea of holding a girlfriend and having sex a lot and then getting married. As the years went by though now I hate it. I associate Marriage as this expensive thing that would probably only have sex for the first year and then no more. I don't even want kids anymore because I don't want them to become socially awkward virgins like me either. On paper, people think I have most of what is needed to be a loudmouthed confident guy with women but it never materialized. I don't want to marry the next girl I meet because I don't see a way I can be confident sexually unless I am able to play the field like everyone else my age. Being good at sex, is really important to me, so much so that whenever I do get a rare kiss/sexual encounter I focus only on the girl and don't even care what I get. Is it possible being a forced virgin makes you hate committment/marriage? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): Lots of men do feel like forced virgins. Other men will totally understand why he might say that even if women don't.
It's not that they are literally forced, they just suffer from a case of normal healthy values. Sleeping with some drunken chaotic attention-starved mess below their standards is not something that most healthy people like doing. If you are a man who isn't socially skilled or very attractive, then it can be quite difficult and discouraging trying to "just get laid."
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 January 2016):
 Next time you see your therapist ask him/her how to help you DROP all these absurd preconceived notions you have.
Like you have to marry to have sex and then WHEN you marry the sex stops. That women ONLY wants jerks with experience, or that women are some totally alien species.
Most people don't marry the first person they date or the first person they have sex with.
And those who DO marry or stick together (without the paper) and make it work long term have sex for decades. Granted it does ebb and flow over the years, but there is usually an intimacy you just don't have with a one-night stand, which is way more important for most people over sex. Doesn't mean sex is left at the door after a year of marriage.
Being "good" at sex isn't about the number of woman you have slept with. It's the ABILITY to read your partner, to LISTEN to your partner and to CONVEY to your partner what you like. Being creative and enthusiastic in bed is a million times more important than how many vaginas you stuck your penis in.
Just like many men don't like women who have had a LOT of lovers, many women don't want a dude who has nothing to offer except sex.
As for "forced virginity"... WTF is that? Who is "forcing" you?
Virginity is ONE thing, INEXPERIENCE in the actual sex act. It's NOT a state of mind.
You know, YOU are the one making this BIG deal out of being a virgin. Most girls can't tell just by looking at you - and even if they do, so what? EVERYONE has been a virgin at some point in their life.
Keep working on your social skills. If you can have female friends, you are heading in the right direction. But don't just stick to women, men too can TEACH you a lot, just by observing them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): First and foremost, get rid of the negative notions and preconceptions you've invented in your mind about sex and commitment. If you're not getting any; so then the reaction is to form a very harsh and negative opinion about it. That's how men in general handle things far too often. They become mean, insensitive, and uncaring towards women for this very reason.
You can't live an entire life-time without sex. The world is over-populated, sex is in your face everyday! You have to remember that people have to take precautions for health reasons, women want emotion to be tied to the act of sex, and unwanted pregnancy is more of a female concern than for males. They have to make the decision on whether to keep it, or not. They may end-up a single mother, and having to explain to a child why their father isn't in their life. So you may not get sex on demand. Unless you pay for it.
You can go on dating sites that you can get hookups every second. Well, you'll also increase your risk of STD's and grow even more insensitive to commitment and caring about women. You will objectify them, and just use them. So if not getting sex is frustrating you, consider your attitude and the immature perceptions you have.
Sex is not that hard to get. If you're just scared or not sure how to approach a woman for it; many females don't mind leading the way. You have the perception they always want someone "experienced."
Perhaps so, but the general consensus is that they want someone caring. Someone who wants them after the sex. If all you need are one-night stands, there's always the drunk girl with issues at a party or club, who just wants a guy to make her feel desired for one evening. She just needs to get screwed and thrown out like the garbage. She has a poor perception of men and sex. She is just the opposite of what you're presenting in your post.
She will be submissive and sad. It will be empty sex. Although good for one night. The next morning, she'll feel shamed for it. Trust me, you won't feel any better for it either.
Jerks who don't care, can get-off and move on like stray mutts and alley cats. In the end, what goes around comes around. Nobody really cares about them either. They're human and need love too. They end-up drunks and drug addicts, sex-addicts, or infected. The worst get played by their female-equivalent, or a scorned-woman. She'll steal his heart, and rip it out of his chest and eat it in-front of him. She'll wreck his wretched life. Karma for his past.
Don't let your frustrations drive you to being one of those guys. They're the devil's rejects. They get no real love, or destroy good women who fall for them. They all die lonely and unhappy if they don't change. Virginity still leaves you time to mature and develop the right attitude towards women, about love, and having sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Sex doesn't always die a year after getting married. When it does that is usually because somebody was misleading their partner about their sex drive or romantic feelings for the sake of getting married.
In fact studies show that people in steady long term relationships have a more satisfying sex life overall than single people. Single people have a lot of bad sex, and a lot of them don't even have the bad sex very often.
Women want sexually experienced men because they want men who are sexy enough to get it. Most guys who sleep around aren't trying very hard to make the women even enjoy it.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (24 January 2016):
Your big mistake here is that you’ve made a massive issue of your virginity. You assume, quite wrongly, that sexual experience is so important to a girl that it will be the end of the world if you’ve haven’t got much (and I say much, because you could lose your virginity tomorrow and nothing really would change). It feels like the end of the world to you, and that’s distorted your thinking: you made it that way. A woman doesn’t look for some-one who has played the field: the person looking for marriage and commitment isn’t going to be impressed by the number of one night stands you might have clocked up. Anyway, sex within a loving relationship is totally different to sex without emotion or meaning. Also, sex is different with every person you have it, so however much sexual history you’ve got, with every partner you’ll have to learn about each other and discover what you like doing together and what pleases your partner. As a 26 year-old virgin completely reconciled to that status, let me tell you this: realising that what makes you relationship material isn’t your sexual prowess but your character, and realising that relationships are about so much more than sex, will help you put your lack of sexual experience in perspective. Not everyone plays the field, and to many women, that really doesn’t matter. But if you’re so wrapped up in angst about your sexual prowess that you aren’t emotionally available to your woman, that’s a much bigger turn-off.
You ask whether being a virgin could make you hate commitment. The answer is that I’m not sure you really understand what commitment means at this stage. You got some characteristically excellent advice from WiseOwlE which you should reflect carefully on. When you can understand the implications of what he’s saying, you’ll be more ready for marriage and commitment. Then you’ll know if you want it or not.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): [Edit]:Accept you had sex.
Correction: "Except you had sex."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Virginity is not a disease or disorder. After having a sexual encounter, nothing much will be changed about you. Accept you had sex.
Sex is not a cure for social disorders; nor will it make the blind see and the crippled walk. Hating kids and marriage because you haven't had sex really makes no sense. There is no correlation between having sexual-experience and desiring to marry and have children. One does not necessarily lead to the other; and just having sex doesn't always make people happy, or want to settle-down.
There's no such thing as a "forced virginity." No one will ever die of virginity. Priests, nuns, religious monks, and various orders of religion who've taken vows of celibacy seem to live as long as anyone else. They seem to do just fine without sex. Being a virgin is a choice. You can end it anytime you like. The way that's good for you, or a way that's bad.
You must lie awake at night inventing these things in your head. If you're absolutely desperate, you can pay for it and call it a day. Once you've had it, there will be no epiphany or huge transformation. You'll wonder why you fretted so much about it. It's not always good, and you don't always have the right partner. You may not be very good at it. You may be good, but never satisfied.
Commitment comes from love and trust. People who don't have sex until they're married do just fine by retaining their virginity until ready to share it with a spouse.
Create all sorts of weird scenarios, theories, and ideologies if you will. People get addicted to it, it's taken by force, or can be had too soon in a young person's life. From your post, perhaps you're not emotionally prepared for it. Fate has it, that it hasn't happened for you yet. Maybe that's a good thing. You need to have a more mature understanding of it.
If it has no emotional connection, doesn't start from the mind,heart, and soul. Then work it's way into a real relationship between two people who trust and care for each other. It's just an act. Primal and empty. Nothing more, and nothing less.
...............................
|
