A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Every one looks at the opposite sex. Of course..you are going to notice a beautiful woman or a handsome man that walks in your path..right? A glance is ok..let it go..move on with the day. Well..my question is..my boyfriend of 3.5 years looks at and stares at women..all the time. I found out that he undresses them with his eyes..and imagines what it is like to 'be' with them. (often times pleasureing himself later) He has also gone so far as to get a 'hard on'...in the grocery store while standing in line behind a young girl with short shorts on..is this normal? He says all men do these things..is he right? (says he cant help it) Please help me!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 November 2007):
 Let's think about this. When people masturbate they are usually thinking about sex with someone. It might be your partner, some cute person that works in your office or a person you saw on the corner that morning. So yes, he might think about that person sexually. That is natural and PRIVATE. Our thoughts and fantasies are ours to enjoy. Do you really think when he masturbates that he thinking about politics, work or the weather. He's thinking about sex. Period. It's not a reflection on anybody or anything. To believe we only find our partners to be attractive is unrealistic. Men also think in different terms than females. We're more shallow sexually. For example, most women could fulfill their sexual fantasies if the "chose" to do so. If you desired sex with three men at once, you could go out on any given night and accomplish that. If the guy at the car wash really turned you on, you could probably get your way with him. The fact is you don't. If men had the power to fulfill all their fantasies.....look out because I think they would give it a try.
When the two of you opened this conversation, you opened a can of worms too. I don't think most guys get a hard on standing in the store behind a sexy woman. Maybe a teenage boy but not a "regular" guy. Guys don't even get hard ons when they see strippers...and they are naked.
It sounds like your guy is a little more overt about his actions and you're a little naive about reality. IF we look at someone it's because they satisfy whatever it is that got our attention. A vision entered our eyes, reached the brain and created a thought. At no point is there an opportunity to stop that process. The point where choice begins is how we react to our thoughts.
If I see a very pretty woman who is 20 years old, it's too late. I've seen her, noticed her beauty, she's attractive in the flesh. When I find out she's 20 years old, she's still attractive but that changes EVERYTHING. I'm 44 and personally feel it would be wrong to be with a woman of that age. That fact I found her pretty was my initial observation, the fact I thought 20 was too young was my reaction to my thought or my conscience.. If I'm attracted to a woman my age, that is observation. If I find out she's married and I back off, that is my reaction.
In closing, it's not the thought, it's the reaction to the thought. If we punished ourselves for every thought we ever had....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): He is wrong about saying all men do it and that they can't help themselves.
Like India said, I'm not talking about the occasional hottie who walks past, what you are talking about is something entirely different.
Personally, if I am in to a girl, I don't look around at other girls. Firstly because I know it would probably make her feel inferior and second, I am attracted to her and so have no desire to check out anyone else. Men are visually stimulated and if they are really in to a women then their attention is on them, not on every other women that walks past.
I don't know your man, but personally I think when men are as extreme as yours are, it is a clear and obvious sign they just just aren't in to you. I would guess he probably isn't entirely satisfied with the relationship, or at the very least isn't feeling emotionally connected with you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (16 November 2007):
 I sort of agree with you here, sweetness. I think it's perfectly okay to look, I think it's okay to maybe have a 5 second fantasy, but to be undressing them with eyes, masturbating later, getting erections, thinking about doing them, that's just excessive.
I think he's not respecting you enough, and I don't think he's devoting enough attention to fantasizing about YOU. Sure all men (and women) experience the occasional hottie sighting, but it sounds like your man is doing this all the time. It's disrespectful to you and to the women he's staring at and imagining doing.
I wouldn't be having this, sister. Let your man know that what he's doing is extreme and NOT every guy does it. Maybe your man is just hyper sexual... if it's turning into a problem (if it's super excessive), I might even suggest that he go see a counselor.
Good luck, sweetness!
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 Me and one of my exs used to say 'look but dont touch' as the boundary line...I am not sure how that applies here. I think you are right its normal to look at others but your bf is taking that further though I am assuming you have no reason to doubt his faithfulness.
Im not sure what he means by 'its normal for men'...fantisising about others I guess is not unheard of, for example alot of men watch porn but I think how blatent he is being is disrespectful to you and a little insensitive to say the least. You have the right to demand and expect respect and he cant really hide behind 'its a man thing', staring he can definatly exert control over, a involuntary erection might be slightly more difficult to consciously control but still the bottom line is that he should respect you.
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